The fiddling sounds of the violin reverberated through the hallway. The hallway once filled with life, but was now as silent as a chilly winter night. Class had ended for the day, but I decided to stay on. With bow in my hand, I brushed it against the light metal strings. A solemn tune echoed throughout the room.
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I've always loved the violin, though I'm not particularly good at it. A light-weight wooden instrument, easy to carry, produces nice music, though not exactly easy to learn.
It was a great friend in times of loneliness, one who was always there for me. In my sadness, I would fiddle out a tune of sadness. In my frustrations, I would vent them out with a melody of frustration. In my insecurities, I would comfort myself with a song of comfort.
Playing the violin wasn't always a sweet experience, unfortunately. Occasionally, as I'm playing, I am reminded the one performance that really made an impact on my life.
The day was another one of those days where everything didn't turn out right for me. I was steeped in loneliness yet again, an inexplicable sense of longing. I tried hard to mix around with people, yet the more I tried, the more it became clear to me that I just didn't fit in with any group.
Perhaps it was my own personality. I'm a loner. That was all I could say. Not good in small chatter. Not good in mixing in large groups. I don't share interests with many people I know - I'm not that keen at soccer which is what guys usually like, I don't watch television much, I'm not good in music at all thanks to my half-hearted learning last time.
--
Argh! What annoying thoughts. How I wish I could get them out of my head. I focused on my music as I continued to fiddle with increasing speed, missing a beat now and then. I really wanted to vent out my frustrations.
A off-key note pierced through the stillness of the room. I stopped.
As the last trails of the aberrant note faded away into utter silence, I stared blankly at the blackboard in front of me. Heaving a long sigh, I grasped my violin in my hands and walked off to a corner. Sitting down on a piano chair, I looked at the wooden instrument that has kept me company all this while. I turned my eyes to the piano now. Reaching out my fingers, letting it rest on one of the keys, I pressed in firmly. It was an "E".
The high pitched note filled the room momentarily, then quickly vanished.
Quickly, my fingers reached for one of the pegs on my violin. Feeling a little jittery, I began to turn it slowly.
Snap! I could hear the string break.
Ah! What a bummer!
I knew I was never good at tuning the last string, the finest of the four. I broke the same string the last time I tried to tune my violin.
Just what I need to add to my list of problems...what a day this is turning out to be!
Feeling angry at myself for my unaptness, I set the instrument beside me on the piano chair.
Loosening my grip, I could feel emotions welling up deep with within me.
I'm not good at music...never was...never will be...
--
My music background is perhaps a sad one compared to many people that I know. I used to learn the organ when I was young. My teacher told me that I had the talent, but I was lazy and unmotivated, a spoiled little brat back then. I'd always forget to practise and take my lessons half-heartedly. Finally, my apathy towards music got the best of me and I stopped. Two years after I quit, I moved on to college. After seeing so many talented musicians among people I knew there, that was the one decision that I sincerely regretted.
It was in those days when I first joined a Christian fellowship group. I never really knew what it was about until I saw it with my own eyes. They were really a bunch of great people serving God faithfully, setting apart a day each week to just worship the Lord with music and to bask in His Presence and be convicted by His Word. I guess it was there that I really found some true meaning to my existence, for the things that I did, for all my struggles, my ambitions, my goals, my dreams. All of them made more sense in light of what God wanted to do in the world, and He was calling me to be part of it.
So, I served faithfully in Campus Alive, as that group was called and they were some of the most fulfilling moments of my life, being able to just be a blessing to others and just set apart my time to serve others.
Despite all this wonderful time I had, I suppose there was one thing that I felt really sad about. It was my inability to serve in the worship team, thanks to my unskilfulness with chords and my lack of proficiency at improvisation. That was one of the major things that made me feel really disappointed with myself. I should have paid more attention last time during lessons. I should have taken them more seriously.
--
Sigh...when will I ever measure up to others?
It was another mundane old day of lectures and tutorials. I had been studying alone yet again, allowing my introversion to suffuse me, filling me with aversion to interacting with the people around me. I tried hard to find a group around University to which I can belong to, but I guess it's just too difficult for me. I'm no fan of big gangs. I have a strong disinclination to cut in between conversations or to initiate new topics. Most often, I'd just be the silent observer, tuning in to the discussions going on around me but afraid to voice out my opinions.
It was in these times of loneliness that I would shut myself up in one of the lecture theatres, weeping silently to myself. Occasionally, I would carry my little violin there and I would just spend the next hour or so fiddling in the stillness of the room, allowing my emotions to run free, allowing my feelings to permeate every square inch of my body.
I'd love those one-person-audience recitals, where it's just between God and I. I'd let my frustrations, anger, disappointments seep through my impromptu presentations, and God would hear me play, I suppose. I wasn't sure if He enjoyed them though 'cuz they were riddled with off-key notes and aberrant beats and embarrassing jittery sounds when I tried playing long bow strokes. In short, I wasn't particularly a skilled violinist, but it was something I enjoyed doing.
'When did you start learning the violin?' someone might ask. Well...that's another story in itself...
--
It all began with an inspiration. An inspiration that came from a movie that I watched back in my college days.
"Music of the Heart" as it was called, a film itself inspired by the life of a woman named Roberta Guaspari Demetras, was a heart-warming story of the struggles of that woman to rise up against the social systems of this world that ostracized inner-city children, the so-called social rejects, and her efforts to bring hope and vision for them.The movie really struck me in the sense that it gave me the realization that with the proper guidance and motivation, coupled with vision and faith, anything is possible. Thanks to Roberta's vision and faith in the children, she was able to defeat all the accusations and reasons that prevented her from bringing hope into the lives of the children.
Following her painful divorce with her husband, Roberta moved to East Harlem to start life anew with her two sons. After the agony of searching for a job, she finally filled in as substitute violin teacher for East Harlem School. Initially thrilled by the prospect of sharing her passion of the violin with a new generation, she soon found out that the students of that school were a handful. This is due to the fact that many of them were inner-city children, who were mostly delinquents and plagued with numerous disciplinary problems.
When she started teaching the students, many of them belittled her efforts, not seeing the purpose of learning the violin. Even some of the students' parents did not think it worthwhile for their children to pursue music, stemming from their beliefs that their children should be working to earn money for the family.
Fighting an uphill battle to maintain her sanity, faced with a choice between relinquishing her post or to battle on to bring life and hope into the lives of the inner-city children, not to mention struggling to keep her crumbled family apart, Roberta refuses to give up and pushes on with faith and vision for the children.
After much tears and agony she put in to sow the seeds of music into the lives of the children and to water them with her care and dedication, she was at last rewarded with a bountiful harvest of great violinists. As a result of her efforts, the children who were once social rejects had a place in society. Owing to her perseverance and her dedication, the children who were once labeled as failures rose up in defiance of the social system and became beacons of hope for the many inner-city children out there.
Yes...I want to have that vision for myself. Yes...I want to have the faith that Roberta had. I want to say, 'Yes, I have overcome all the reasons for not being able to learn music and now I've done it.'
With the clarity of that inspiration, I developed a vision (well maybe not to be a great violinist or anything but to be able to play the violin). And with that vision, I pushed forward into learning the violin. At that point of time, I really believed that I could do it.
When I went back to my hometown, Sandakan at the end of my first semester of college, I went on to attend violin lessons with my old music teacher. She was surprised to see me develop the sudden interest with the violin. With the faith that I will succeed, I began my lesson with her, intending not to give up this time. For the subsequent 4 weeks of my holidays, I practised voraciously, hoping to grasp the art of fiddling before my next semester began.
I suppose I did manage to learn the basic skills of fiddling, after much time and effort invested into practising, having to deal with the trembles of long bow strokes, having to hear my way around the finger board, not to mention having to polish my sight-playing skills again which have kinda rusted with disuse. With that, I moved on to my next semester of college.
Feeling proud of myself that I managed to learn a new musical instrument, I was eager to show it off to my friends. Initially I was enthusiastic about it, but soon after discovering that many more people could actually play the violin so much better, the fire that was burning in me somehow died down. I was discouraged yet again by my inadequacies and shortcoming compared to those who could play the instrument so elegantly and beautifully.
And so, the clarity and the vision that I once was now obscured, blurred by the mist of uncertainties and doubt. The burning faith that was once in me was now stifled, extinguished by the icy cold water of disillusionment.
--
Half an hour had elapsed since I sat on the chair, chained in my prison of self-pity, caged in my confinement filled with disappointments, trapped within the unyielding walls of my self condemnations.
Why God? Why am I just not good in this?
I contended with God.
Had I spent less time on my studies last time in secondary school, had I taken the time to make more friends, had I been led to participate in church, all of this would probably not have happened. Yea...if I had known God much earlier, I would have been able to serve Him in the worship team in church and I would've been able to pick an instrument back then.
Yea, I would have had much more time to develop my talent in music. Then, I would not have to be plagued with my incompetence in music as I am right now. Then, I would have been able to serve God better by participating in the worship team. Then, I would not have all these negative thoughts filling my head with doubts about myself and what I am capable of.
Yea, things would definitely be different, won't they?
But why God? Why didn't you lead me to church back then? Why did you not fill my heart with passion for you when I was younger, when it was still not too late? Why, indeed...
I looked up at the blackboard. It was filled with musical notes scribbled all over it. I always liked the Old Music lecture theatre. It was nice and cozy, with an old, classical feel to it. It still used a blackboard and had the old wooden benches and tables. It had all the instruments I could imagine. After lecture hours, this was perfect getaway for me. A place of solitude where I can reflect on life, pour out my grievances and hurts and just space out for hours.
What is it that's really your problem? Is it really about your lack of proficiency in music?
The question resounded in my mind.
What's this? An abrupt outburst of honesty? A sudden revelation of the hesitation within myself? A lack of clarity about the nature of my problem?
Nah...perhaps it's just some random burst of emotions, made out of desperation in an attempt to console myself. Of course the problem is my lack of skills in music!
"I think it's more of your lack of confidence in yourself, who God has called you to be. I believe you are lacking the confidence to engage with people because of your uncertainties of your own identity. Perhaps that's why you're constantly comparing yourself with others." The words of a friend echoed within the chasms of my mind.
Am I? Lacking confidence in myself? Uncertain of my own identity?
"Freedom is the knowledge, relationships and opportunities to be all that you are called to be. We are called by the Creator to take rulership over Creation in relationship with Him. Often, we are uncertain of the purposes that God has for us because we lack the clarity and presentness of the Spirit in our lives." I remembered this clearly from my one of my pastor's sermons.
"Our uncertainties of our own identity in Christ, as sons of God, lead us down a road of condemnations, comparisons, categorizations and cynicism."
I'm called for a higher purpose than the comparisons and categorizations I'm placing myself in right now.
"Brian, I think you face this loneliness because you forget about God's presence in your life, not that you're not trying hard enough."
Lack of God's presence in my life?
I'm participating in church now. I join OCF. I read the Bible everyday. How's God's presence not in my life?
"Count your many blessings and you will know how much you truly are. Think of the less fortunate people around you. How about those who don't know music? Or those who don't have the opportunity to even learn? What do they have to say about it?"
What do they have to say about it? Yea...what do they have to say about it? That God's being unfair to them and not blessing them enough? I suppose not.
At that moment, the weight of my problem seemed less heavy than I originally thought.
Perhaps there is truth in that. Maybe I am lacking God's presence in my life. Maybe I haven't listening to where the Spirit is leading me. Maybe I am not even sure of my own identity in Christ.
Yes, it all makes sense now. All my comparisons with others. All that I perceive to be my lack of talent, or God not opening up opportunities for me...they actually come from my own insecurities, from my own lack of clarity about who I am called to be, from my own feelings of competition and wanting to outdo others.
Yes...it all makes sense now...
--
The night of the AUSMAT Program Grand Dinner, the night of our graduation from college, the culmination of our one-and-a-half year journey in college, the finale of all our struggles in college, the joy and pain that we shared between one another, this was the focal point of it all.
"And the next performance is, a song entitled 'Melodi' performed by our very own Lin Yu Zhong and Sheila Majid. Let's give them a round of applause..."
The announcement was followed by cheers from the audience. The band performing that night took its place on the stage, I took my place among the violinists.
The crowd grew silent, in eager anticipation of the performance before them.
Sheng Yu, the keyboardist and Zen Yang, the er hu (Chinese-style violin) player kicked off the song.
Then, my 2 other violinist friends, Hui Qing and Calvin, and I came in with our violins. Jim came in with the guitar and Leon with the bass.
Kau melodi yang indah, menusuk di jiwa tanpamu, hidupku tak bermakna...
Saliza, the first singer began her part. Kien Seng followed in with his part in Chinese.
The performance was beautiful. At the end of it, the audience applauded, shouting "Encore! Encore!"
--
The grand scene that had built up in my mind remained there for the next few minutes. I allowed my thoughts to just be fixed on that particular piece of memory from all the memories that I had accumulated back in college.
I felt really privileged to be able to perform at my college graduation night. It was one performance that I will never forget for the rest of my life.
And come to think of it, it was all made possible because my friend, Sheng Yu, had asked me to perform for that event. It was also possible because Calvin helped me with the scores, helping to simplify them so that I could play them. Come to think of it, God did open up opportunities and avenues for me to go into music. He placed the people around me for that reason.
I was overwhelmed by God's grace, how He has allowed my friends to just bless me with this opportunity to perform, even if just once, in music. I was honored, yet humbled at the same time.
Yes...I may lack the skills to perform in music, but that does not mean that I lack the people around me to help me grow in it, to help me nurture my talent, to help me build up my skills.
Yes...I may not be up the level that I hoped to achieve, but that does not mean that I should let this be a hindrance to me, that I should let this be a stumbling block for my confidence in my identity in Christ, that I should let this be a barrier to my walk in faith of His guidance and provision.
Yes...I may not be as talented as others in music, but that does not mean that I need to compare myself with others in it. No, I can draw inspiration and vision from their talents and allow this to be the motivating factor that pushes me on to excellence.
Come to think of it, while performing solo may be good, it is the communion and fellowship of a symphony that makes music really just stand out to me. It is the opportunity to share the joy and pain, the experiences in growing with one another in that symphony that makes music so beautiful, so elegant, so enchanting.
I want to be part of that communion of musicians.
But wait, I already am. Come to think of it, I am now part of the Grand Symphony of Heaven's Ballroom. And I will be part of it forever...
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Note: I dedicate this story to all my friends who performed with me on the night of the AUSMAT Grand Dinner, and to Zi Yi as well for his effort in composing the scores. Thank you all for your inspirations.
Picture taken from: http://abigel.deviantart.com/art/Violin-74695919
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