I Like Her...But Do I Love Her?

I like her. I really, really like her. But can I say I love her?

There is this girl in Uni that I like, very much. Ah, darn it. I’ve said it! We first met as tutorial mates. I thought she was annoying at first, talking so much during tutorials, stealing the conversations and I thought, well, there’s a competition for me! I gradually got to know her better and we began spending time during lunches at Uni, and now it has progressed to this stage.

It has been an interesting journey with her so far. And at this point, I feel that my conceptions and ideas of relationships are being stretched and tested.

I don’t know if it’s a common thing among others, but I feel that as you progress in a friendship (or relationship, for that matter) with someone, you gradually “grow fond” of the person and do not respect them as much as you used to when you first started out. That was my case with her. I started out having a certain kind of “fear” and respect for her and what she had to say. But as our friendship progressed, I could really feel that I had begun treating her as someone less and I did not really care as much about what she had to share any more. Gradually, our conversations became centred on what I have discovered, or what I am going through, or what I am thinking about. It is all about me! But, what about her?

Also, in relationships, there is always tendency to get possessive and self-centred, especially among guys (correct me if I am wrong). I discovered that as our friendship progressed, it became more centred on the fun that I can get while being with her, or the way she made me felt when I am around her. During our conversations, I would talk so much about my dreams, my goals, and my ambitions, but do not quite stop to ask her about hers. Also, at times, I could not help but give a glare of envy (though I try really hard to fight it) when she talked to someone else, especially if it was another guy. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I am saying all this!

Then, the question hit me today: What do I believe for her life?

When it came, I stood still in the bathroom (yes, good insights come in the bathroom!) for a few minutes. I thought to myself: Hmm…good question. What do I believe for her life?  

When the question came, I could not answer it. It was then I realised that I have based my friendship with her thus far upon what I can derive from her (the fun moments, the listening ear, etc.) but I have not taken the time to actually think through what I believe for her life.

And today, I have made it a point to ponder through this question.

Through the previous conversations that I have had with her, I discovered that her life was not an easy one. She has gone through much suffering and hardships, and it is amazing that she is here today, so full of joy and the grace of the Lord.

And her story really encourages me. Now that I think about it, there is just so much beauty in her, so much more than meets the eye. She has such a beautiful heart and spirit, and her joy and worship to the Lord is just amazing.

Honestly, I feel ashamed that I have tried to take this beautiful person and turn her into another “object” that I can possess and that which gives me comfort. I feel ashamed that I have not taken the time to appreciate her as a beautiful person, made in the image of God, carrying His grace and His life onto this earth. I feel ashamed for being so focused on me that I have forgotten about her, the very being and person that she is.

And truly, Lord, I repent of my sins. Forgive me for my shortcomings. Thank you Lord for this beautiful heart and spirit that you have placed in my life. Help me see through the outer layers and superficialities into the person that lies beneath – her heart, her dreams, her visions, her spirit, her life!

As of now, I do not believe that I am ready for a life-giving relationship. I still need to step out of my self-centred mindset to peer into the beauty that lies inside of her and to believe in the things that God has placed in her heart.

Would I come to a point where I can believe enough for her life to take the step of faith forward?

I like her, but would I be able to say that I love her…dearly…for the person that she truly is?