Over the past few weeks, I have had time to reflect upon and to struggle with my feelings for her. It's been a hard wrestle between two states of mind - I WANT her, yet I DON'T KNOW if I am prepared to handle the relationship.
Yet, as I have discovered over the weeks, it is really not about pursuing or getting her, but it is more about walking the journey of faith with her, and to care and love her as a dear sister, as someone that I am learning to trust and as someone that I truly want to see grow and mature into all that she was created to be.
And with each moment that we share, there is something about our conversations that surprise me. Just when I thought that I know all there is to know about her, and that I fully understand and comprehend her life journey, she surprises me yet again with new stories and fresh perspectives. It really challenged me and made me think of how little I actually know about her.
So here I am, barely knowing her, yet trusting her with my secrets and personal stories, and believing for her as though I have known her inside out. Relationships are truly complicated and interesting. There is always an element of it that catches you off guard, one part of it that speaks something new to you each day, a part of it that reminds you of what it means to love and to care for another human being.
I think my friendship and journey with her has indeed taught me much about what it means to love and to care for someone. It has challenged me to rethink the ways I engage in my relationships. It has really challenged me what it means to not just pursue her, but to really believe in her life journey, her hopes, her dreams and her life.
There is definitely still much to learn, but I am truly glad that I could be part of her life. I am truly glad that we have had the chance to cross paths and to allow our journeys to intertwine.
I am truly thankful for the opportunity that I have had to meet her during our tutorials together in Semester 2. I am thankful for the times spent together since then, the words, the meals, the conversations, the outings that have brought our friendship to this point.
Yet, as I have discovered over the weeks, it is really not about pursuing or getting her, but it is more about walking the journey of faith with her, and to care and love her as a dear sister, as someone that I am learning to trust and as someone that I truly want to see grow and mature into all that she was created to be.
And with each moment that we share, there is something about our conversations that surprise me. Just when I thought that I know all there is to know about her, and that I fully understand and comprehend her life journey, she surprises me yet again with new stories and fresh perspectives. It really challenged me and made me think of how little I actually know about her.
So here I am, barely knowing her, yet trusting her with my secrets and personal stories, and believing for her as though I have known her inside out. Relationships are truly complicated and interesting. There is always an element of it that catches you off guard, one part of it that speaks something new to you each day, a part of it that reminds you of what it means to love and to care for another human being.
I think my friendship and journey with her has indeed taught me much about what it means to love and to care for someone. It has challenged me to rethink the ways I engage in my relationships. It has really challenged me what it means to not just pursue her, but to really believe in her life journey, her hopes, her dreams and her life.
There is definitely still much to learn, but I am truly glad that I could be part of her life. I am truly glad that we have had the chance to cross paths and to allow our journeys to intertwine.
I am truly thankful for the opportunity that I have had to meet her during our tutorials together in Semester 2. I am thankful for the times spent together since then, the words, the meals, the conversations, the outings that have brought our friendship to this point.
We spent the day together yesterday before she went back to her home country for holidays. I thought it was a really amazing day, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I think as much as I enjoyed the time spent together doing things, I really enjoyed the meaningful conversations that we've had over dinner, and over our walk along the Yarra afterwards.
It was always eye-opening and heart-warming to listen to the stories that she has to tell, and to hear the voice of her heart and to catch snippets of the expressions of the spirit that is within her. I treasure her openness in her sharing, I value her honesty in her words, I cherish her freedom in her expressions. To many people, these conversations and life stories might not mean much at all, but to me, they are captured moments, still frames and engravings etched on the face of time and history that have shaped and moulded me, and have taught me what it means to love, to care and to be thankful for the abundance that I have.
And today, I know just how much I truly care for her. It was during dance rehearsal today for my community's upcoming annual dinner. During the rehearsal, some strange feeling of moodiness just settled upon me and I just could not explain it. I guess I am not a very person to joke around with when I am moody. The members were, as usual, always teasing me - not that I have problems with that, I do enjoy a good laughter - but I guess this just annoyed me and I ended up snapping at one of my brothers. I was shocked at my impulsiveness and apologised afterwards, but I guess now that I've thought about it, I realise just how much I truly care about her and just how much I miss her already.
I know it's silly to be sad, because she'll be back again pretty soon. I know that I should release her in faith and in the blessings of the Lord to accomplish all that she set out to do this holidays. Yet, I suppose that sometimes, there is always the emotional attachment involved.
I know that my feelings for her are true, yet I do know at the same time not to rely solely on my feelings because they can be misleading sometimes.
As per our friendship now, I believe in the love of Christ that we share with one another, I believe in the bond of the Spirit that unites us, I believe in the good purposes that the Creator has for her life, I believe in the faithfulness of our Lord and His grace that is manifested in her life. Although I must admit that I do not fully share her passions and her visions, I am learning each day lift her up in prayer and to speak courage and faith into her life for the dreams that she has.
People might think that: Oh, you might think that now because you are still in your "romance" period. Just wait till the going gets tough. Let's see if you would still have the same convictions for her then.
Well, I do not pretend to be ignorant of this. I am fully aware that I am still in the relatively 'sweet' period of a friendship and there definitely is much uncertainty that awaits me in the future. I am fully aware that circumstances will change and things will not always be as sweet as they are right now.
There would most likely be conflicts and frustrations, dissatisfaction and anger. I do not pretend to be oblivious or indifferent to them. At times, the thought of these possibilities really do scare me.
Yet, I also know deep down in my spirit that there is a God who is greater than all these things, that there is a God who plans and guides my path, a God who desires the best for me and a God who will make all things beautiful in their time.
I am well aware, then, that there is a possibility that I would have to let her go so that she can be all that she was made to be, that she would achieve the best possible for her life. I am well aware that to love her means that there is chance that I would have to release her to achieve the dreams that God has placed in her heart and to allow her to walk the path that she has meant to tread. But, truly, if that is what is best for her life, then so let it be. If that is what it takes for the dove to fly, then let her be free to soar.
Issues of relationships are never straightforward and there are no one-size-fits-all kind of answers. Yet, I do believe that at the core of it is the love of the Creator that sets us free, the faith of Christ that anchors us, and the hope of the Spirit that moves us.
There are many things that I am uncertain of, and there are countless possibilities of what the future holds.
Yet, I know this to be true: that I care for this girl and love her deeply - NOT as someone that I can possess as a "girlfriend" (whatever this term means anyway), BUT as a special friend and a sister who I trust and want to share my life journey with.
So in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I consecrate my friendship with her unto the Lord Almighty. May you, O Lord, lead us together to greater heights, and pour out you grace, love and joy more abundantly into our lives. Teach us what it means to love each other with same kind of love that you have poured out to us. And teach us what it means to care for another as Christ cared for His Church.
So, today I speak these blessings into our lives. May Your grace and your love be present and manifested in our daily lives, in our interactions, in our words, in our thoughts and in our deeds. And, in Your Son's most precious and holy name I pray these things.
Amen.
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