Rant on Relationship

Relationships has got to be one of the hardest things, ever! Just when you think you've got it, you discover that you've lost it.

I know that to be true for myself. While I truly do love her, there are just so many things that get in the way of me really expressing that kind of love and grace to her.

One of the things that for me is really annoying is my ego. I sometimes have this pride inside of me that says, "I'm right, you're wrong!" There is this part of me that insists on getting things done my way, and that I have to somehow convince her of what I believe is true. 

I really detest this arrogance, because it seems to imply that I've got her figured out and somehow I can control her and make her behave in a certain way that I want. The trouble with getting things done my way is that I miss out on all the richness and beauty of the things that she has discovered personally in her life. By trying so hard to convince her to take my viewpoint, I have failed to be present to the creativity, freshness and newness that she can possibly bring into my world.

But to really live free from my ego means that I have to kill it, every single day. Each time a tinge of pride starts springing out from my heart, I have to be clear that this will not bring life into the situation (although it does feel good) and I have to make that conscious choice to crucify my pride before it grows and spreads and takes over my entire being.

The second thing that really torments me a lot of the time is the feeling of missing her and just wanting to be with her. It's kind of like taking a drug such as cocaine - you just can't let it go!

Of course, that in itself is not a bad thing. It is definitely a delightful feeling to like somebody, when that warm, fuzzy feeling starts suffuses you with joy, anticipation, romance, and you suddenly see beauty all around you.

Again, trouble comes when I allow my own expectations to rule over me, when I'm in that zone of missing her. I have this expectation that she would show that she cared for me, by calling or at least drop me an SMS!

"Agh! She didn't reply my message! How selfish of her!"

"Why doesn't she call! Doesn't she care about our friendship (which is kind of a funny way to think about things, 'cuz even friends don't call one another every day!)!"

"Agh! Why do I have to keep doing all the calling and SMS-ing! Why can't she initiate, for once!"

I know this might sound stupid or silly, but these are the issues, trivial as they may seem, that I am faced with almost every single day of my life! Sometimes, these seemingly harmless problems can escalate into full-blown jealousy, resentment, etc. and it just consumes me. Sounds horrendous doesn't it?

Working through relationships is definitely a struggle. But there is definitely something wonderful and delightful when, despite knowing the fears, insecurities, expectations, ego that I have, that she still chooses to trust and love me just the way I am. And I am learning each day to embrace her and to love her the way she is, regardless of her imperfections and insecurities.

And there is something amazing, even a miracle, when two people, with their own problems, issues, hurts, fears and major differences, still learn to love one another and embrace each other as they are, learning to trust and to hold faith for the dreams and visions that are being birthed in each person's heart, learning to uphold each other in his/her struggles and to encourage him/her towards good deeds, learning to join with one another in Spirit to see life and goodness overflow to the people around them.

It is a pain, but a blessing at the same time. Some might say that it's just not worth the trouble. Some might say let's just focus on the good bits and ignore the bad bits.

As for me, I want to treasure each struggle as a battle that I fight because she is just worth that effort. And I want to savour the good times, when I can enjoy each moment with her for who she is, one whom I trust and truly care for.