A Few Simple Words

Today the Spirit dropped a thought in my heart as I was praying for Ivena. She (Spirit) prompted me with this question, "When was the last time you told your dad how much you loved him?"

I decided to follow the leading of the Spirit to convey this message to Ivy. In the process, this spoke to me as well. It made me question, "When was the last time I actually told my mom that I loved her?"

Honestly, I could not remember ever telling my parents how much I truly loved them.

So, I felt that the words spoke and challenged me as well to do the same for my parents. So, alright, I am gonna call them and tell them how much I loved them.

Of course, I had to kill my arrogant and egoistic self that just wanted to do all it could to stop me saying those words.

So then, 12.30 a.m., I finally called home. Had a good talk with mom. Suddenly, the line went dead because she ran out of credit.

Not wanting to leave the conversation hanging, I decided to dial home, though I knew it would cost heaps. After a few more moments of talking, I could feel things building up to this climactic point, where near the end of the conversation, I quickly grabbed the opportunity to slip in the words "I love you, mom" before my rationalisation and pride kicked in.

It was very liberating for me to have finally spoken these words, words that I thought I'd never say. And I could tell how that touched my mom - she was in tears at the end of it. 

As for me personally, truly, I still can't believe I said it...but I did...and it feels so amazing. A few simple words can be so difficult to utter sometimes, but when you do, it really does set you free, free to love and to believe.

I love you mom and dad, dearly.

Ironies of Life

I've come to realise that God loves to indulge in ironies sometimes. He likes to take something that humans dislike or despise and work it out for an outcome that shocks and surprises everyone.

As I reflect, I can think of two major instances in my life where God has challenged and confronted my beliefs about the world, where He has taken something that I utterly despised or had no regard for and turned it into something I would have never expected.

The first is this. When I was younger, I was quite the high achiever, the top scorer. So I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm my own god. I can do anything and go anywhere in life. Who needs religion anyway when I can do everything on my own?" Little do I realise that years later, God would crush and break me to the point where I was so desperate for security that the only one that I could turn to was Him. And so, despite my puffy and arrogant proclamation, God still found a way to turn this stubborn kid into His faithful servant. Back then, I would never have imagined that I would be a Christian. Little did I thought that I would be serving this day the One whom I boldly rejected.

The second one is a tad stranger, yet more interesting at the same time. When I was still in Malaysia, we had to undergo these Patriotism camps, where they immersed and brainwashed you into being more patriotic and loyal towards your country. Now, I have no real major issue with camps like these, though I do think that they are rather a waste of time at times. In these camps, they'd always use the example of Indonesia as the "poor neighbour" and they'd emphasise how Malaysia is far more superior economically and politically to Indonesia. And of course, having heard so many bad reports and sayings about Indonesia, I'd grown up being cynical and disdainful of the "poor neighbour". 

So, here's the twist. Little did I know that years later, I'd end up liking an Indonesian girl. If anything, this has got to be the biggest slap in my face ever. It's like God saying to me, "So, you see nothing but bad things in Indonesia? Well, how about that Indonesian girl that you like so much now, huh? *chuckles*" I guess that's true. In reality, I never thought God would turn the tables on me like that. This has got to be one of life's greatest ironies ever! Yet, I am thankful for it, because this Indonesian girl has helped me see so many of the good things in life, and she's definitely one of the most gracious and loving people I've ever met, contrary to what I've been taught as a kid!

Rant on Relationship

Relationships has got to be one of the hardest things, ever! Just when you think you've got it, you discover that you've lost it.

I know that to be true for myself. While I truly do love her, there are just so many things that get in the way of me really expressing that kind of love and grace to her.

One of the things that for me is really annoying is my ego. I sometimes have this pride inside of me that says, "I'm right, you're wrong!" There is this part of me that insists on getting things done my way, and that I have to somehow convince her of what I believe is true. 

I really detest this arrogance, because it seems to imply that I've got her figured out and somehow I can control her and make her behave in a certain way that I want. The trouble with getting things done my way is that I miss out on all the richness and beauty of the things that she has discovered personally in her life. By trying so hard to convince her to take my viewpoint, I have failed to be present to the creativity, freshness and newness that she can possibly bring into my world.

But to really live free from my ego means that I have to kill it, every single day. Each time a tinge of pride starts springing out from my heart, I have to be clear that this will not bring life into the situation (although it does feel good) and I have to make that conscious choice to crucify my pride before it grows and spreads and takes over my entire being.

The second thing that really torments me a lot of the time is the feeling of missing her and just wanting to be with her. It's kind of like taking a drug such as cocaine - you just can't let it go!

Of course, that in itself is not a bad thing. It is definitely a delightful feeling to like somebody, when that warm, fuzzy feeling starts suffuses you with joy, anticipation, romance, and you suddenly see beauty all around you.

Again, trouble comes when I allow my own expectations to rule over me, when I'm in that zone of missing her. I have this expectation that she would show that she cared for me, by calling or at least drop me an SMS!

"Agh! She didn't reply my message! How selfish of her!"

"Why doesn't she call! Doesn't she care about our friendship (which is kind of a funny way to think about things, 'cuz even friends don't call one another every day!)!"

"Agh! Why do I have to keep doing all the calling and SMS-ing! Why can't she initiate, for once!"

I know this might sound stupid or silly, but these are the issues, trivial as they may seem, that I am faced with almost every single day of my life! Sometimes, these seemingly harmless problems can escalate into full-blown jealousy, resentment, etc. and it just consumes me. Sounds horrendous doesn't it?

Working through relationships is definitely a struggle. But there is definitely something wonderful and delightful when, despite knowing the fears, insecurities, expectations, ego that I have, that she still chooses to trust and love me just the way I am. And I am learning each day to embrace her and to love her the way she is, regardless of her imperfections and insecurities.

And there is something amazing, even a miracle, when two people, with their own problems, issues, hurts, fears and major differences, still learn to love one another and embrace each other as they are, learning to trust and to hold faith for the dreams and visions that are being birthed in each person's heart, learning to uphold each other in his/her struggles and to encourage him/her towards good deeds, learning to join with one another in Spirit to see life and goodness overflow to the people around them.

It is a pain, but a blessing at the same time. Some might say that it's just not worth the trouble. Some might say let's just focus on the good bits and ignore the bad bits.

As for me, I want to treasure each struggle as a battle that I fight because she is just worth that effort. And I want to savour the good times, when I can enjoy each moment with her for who she is, one whom I trust and truly care for.

Still a Kid

Soon, I shall no longer be in my teens. I never thought that this day would come so quickly. I know that I should be wiser, more mature, able to handle the world and its complexities, prepared to take on the challenges of life.

Yet, I know that deep down, I'm still a kid, learning his way around the world, struggling to get up and walk, training to run the race of endurance. I'm still a kid, wanting to see more of the beauty of this world, still desiring to peer into the mystery of existence with the eyes of awe and wonder. I'm still a kid, wanting to just be free to live each day as it comes, not being anxious or worried about the days ahead, what I will eat, or wear, or the people whom I will cross paths with.

But biology and society say that it's time to grow up, to leave behind my childhood games and learn to be part of the 'real' world. Perhaps they're right. Perhaps it is time.

Perhaps it is time to put away my looking glass and my crystal globe. Perhaps it is time to take a walk down the streets into this larger world called 'earth'. Perhaps it is time to get up and run. Perhaps it is time to grow up...

In the Rain

I love walking in the rain. There is this invigorating sense of refreshing and newness of being drenched in the life-giving waters from heaven. It is the source of fresh growth and fruitfulness on the earth, nourishing, rehydrating, rejuvenating the parched, arid, sparse landscape, and turning it into wellsprings of life, luscious greenery and vibrant gardens.

In the rain, I just feel so alive and free. Each time it rains, and I happen to have raindrops falling on my head, the song rings in my head:

Let the rain fall down, and wake my dreams,

Let it wash away, my sanity,

'Cause I wanna feel the thunder, I wanna scream,

Let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean.

Truly, I just feel like screaming my lungs out, singing to my heart's content. I just feel like having my dreams awakened and my sanity, logic, reasoning washed away for that moment, drowned out in the freedom to do whatever I want - to run, to jump, to dance with delight, to twirl around, and just be me!

I just want to be free to dream, to feel the largeness of the infinite skies, to experience the awesomeness of a thunder roll, to feel the wind beating against my face, as I tread, as I run, down the city streets, down the green grass, down the gravel pavements, down the dirt roads.

In the rain. I am alive and free!

Fairy Tales

We turned and left without our usual goodbyes. Not even a parting glance, or an endearing smile.

A hasty farewell, an abrupt parting. A sad ending, perhaps, to what was a wonderful fairy tale.

"See you," she said, in a dull, monotonous voice, as she headed for the tram.

"Yea...see you," I reciprocated, in an equally empty and languid tone. A sharp turn to the left on the sidewalk.

And I was on my way back home. No parting glances. No endearing smiles. No turning back.

"I'm really sorry about today...," I said in a text message to her later on, "...but I guess not all stories have happy endings."

"That's OK, I guess it's better that way."

"Yea, perhaps..."

A choice that had to be made. A step that had to be taken.

Perhaps, it was never meant to be in the first place. Perhaps, it would have been better if we had never met. Perhaps, it was time to let go.

Of all things. The sweet laughter, the delightful memories, the florid smiles, the colourful times, the wonderful journey.

That night in the Docklands under the moonlight, facing the magnificent waterfront.

Pounded by the cold, chilly winds. Shivering and writhing out in the open air on a winter night.

Yet, there was something warm and delightful about her presence. We popped the cork and poured some sparkling wine into our glasses. A toast to one year of friendship.

Sipping the wine, savouring its flavour. A delightful tinge in the mouth.

"You know, I really do like you, I really do. But I know that I am not prepared for a relationship. But no matter what, you will always be a really special friend to me."

"Do you like me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Do you think I like you?"

I was taken aback by her question. "Umm...maybe?"

"Yes, I do."

"So, what do you think of our relationship now?"

"What do you think?"

"I really do like you, but I guess I'm not ready for it. And I believe that going for it now would not be the best thing for the both of us."

"Don't get me wrong. I really do enjoy being with you. But right now, I'm more concerned about seeing you grow in your walk with God and I don't want our relationship to be a hindrance to the things that God has called you to do."

"Then I'll wait. Do what you think is best..."

--

Looking back. Did we really like each other? Does it even matter now?

Were those words lies? Empty syllables from a well rehearsed skit, excerpts from a fantasy story that was never meant to come true.

Perhaps it was all never meant to be.

But surely, it can't end here! There has to be more. I really do care about her. I really do treasure her.

A faint glimmer of light in the distance. A small gentle voice whispering in my heart.

"I know you're annoyed. I'm really sorry for today. I guess these things do happen, and perhaps we shouldn't make too big a deal out of it. I really do treasure our friendship."

Her reply startled me.

"What are you apologising for? By the way, what colour do you like?"

I could not withhold a smile. With laughter in my heart, thinking to myself, "What in the world is this crazy girl thinking?!"

The Distant Voice

Feeling lost in this space, in this time

The slow creep of languor and fatigue

Seeping insidiously into the heart

Displacing life, dispelling certainty

The deafening drones of endless tirades

Of the same mechanical routines

Churning and spinning round and round

Like the synchrony of clockwork

The unnerving hustles and bustles

Of never-ending work

Formless, empty and dark

Devoid of meaning, deficient in purpose 

The irony of life, the paradox of the self

Gnaws away at the core of the soul

Gently erasing all rhyme and reason

Steadily effacing all traces of sanity

This unwilling union of body and mind

Tugs and pulls, wrestles and contends

The two seeming so distant from each other

Yet, so intricately linked, in an uneasy truce

The mind desires freedom 

In its world unfettered by rules and laws

Yet the body sees reality

Governed by finiteness, ruled by uncertainty

A battle of idealism and reality

Of the boundless against the bound

Fleeting glimpses of love and hope pitted

Against the stone cold gaze of a cynical world

Freshness drained and desiccated

Creativity stifled and stolen

Dreams mangled and macerated

Hopes pilfered and pillaged 

The dullness and dreariness settle in

The chimes of void and emptiness ring

In the monotony, silence sings

Its ceaseless tune of yearning and longing

Lone souls travelling and searching

Longing, hungering for purpose and meaning

Searching in a world

Fumbling for its own sense of direction

Everywhere they look, 

High and low, near and distant,

Everyone wallowing in their self pity and mockery

Constantly judging, always accusing

Individuals so bereft of passion for life

Communities so sapped of identity and belonging

Cities reaching ever farther and taller

Yet somehow drained of its human essence

Humanity climbing higher the stairs of heaven

Revelling in their grand achievements and intellect

Genetic manipulation, at one time, cloning, the next

Artificial intelligence and war machines to add to the lot 

Shoot for the stars as it may

It has neglected its poor and the oppressed

It has sidelined the needy and those at the bottom

It has rejected the core meaning of being human

Should we be surprised, then?

When another revolution is sparked and ignited

When wars erupt and terror reigns

When the social fabric as we know is torn and tattered

What calamity it would be

When mankind deteriorates to its final amnesia

Forgetting ever what it means to love

Never remembering grace, and faith, and hope

Perhaps this is what humanity needs

To awaken it from its deep slumber

When communities lie in desolate shambles

When cities are reduced to ashen rubble

Do we hear the distant voice?

Calling out, longing for our attention

Do we hear the distant voice?

Whispering gently in the chambers of our hearts

The voice calling out in the wilderness

Calling us back to life

To embrace the gift and miracle of every second

To treasure and value each breath we draw

The voice calling from our hearts

Calling us back to love

To extend grace and to receive forgiveness

To always preserve and protect

To love our neighbours, as we do ourselves

To love our enemies, as we do our brothers

To love our communities, as we do our families

To love our cities, as we do our homes

The voice calling from the earth

Calling us back to faith

The substance of things hoped for

And the evidence of things not seen

To believe in our heritage and belonging

To believe in our identity and purpose

To believe in our calling and destiny

To believe in our vision and mission

The voice calling from the heavens

Calling us back to hope

For the greater things that are yet to come

For the good promises that will be done

To hope for His Kingdom upon this earth

To hope that we will enter and dwell in the land

To hope that we will be fruitful and fill the earth

To hope that we will one day call this place home

That voice singing to us for all time

Its eternal melody of clarity and purpose

That voice singing to us one more time

Its enthralling tune of grace and life

That voice which breathes into us

Untainted freshness and boundless creativity

That voice which speaks into us

Unchained visions and unlimited dreams 

That voice calling us out

Out from darkness and into light

Out from emptiness into purpose

Out from formlessness into identity

That voice leading us back

Back to what it means to be human

Back to what it means to be free

Back to what it means to live free

That distant voice calling to us

In the midst of a parched and desiccated land

In the midst of a scorched and macerated earth

In the midst of a dry and pillaged world

That distant voice calling out to us

Yearning to break through to us

Through the unnerving hustles and bustles

Through the deafening drones of endless tirades

That distant voice calling to us

Restoring our souls, retracing our sanity

Stopping the relentless spin of clockwork

Displacing languor, dispelling fatigue

Feeling lost in this space, in this time

As a lone soul travelling and searching

In the silence, that distant voice sings

In the silence, the Creator speaks.