Two Sides of a Coin

VISIONS

Visions surfacing within my mind,

Instilling a new sense of hope and discovery,

Suffusing my being with wondrous delight,

In bringing purpose, and faith, and joyous belonging,

One glimpse of the Kingdom Christ came to bring,

Nullifies all fears, and hesitations and trivialities,

So let it be then, the vision that I bear.

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AGENDAS

A list of agendas runs through my mind,

Goals to be met, grace to be kept,

Ever pursuing this perpetual spiral,

Never stopping for small little tears,

Deaf to the sounds of joy and laughter,

Amidst the seas of high towering ambitions.

So untrustworthy have I become.

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Two sides of a coin. It’s scary to think how closely they are related to one another. A head and a tail. Two opposing dimensions separated only by the viewing angle.

One flip of the coin. How easily things can change. What seemed like a winning coin toss might turn out to be just another losing bet.

Common visions and personal agendas. How alike they really are. Two opposing dimensions differentiated only by the eye of the beholder.

One flip of the coin. How easily things can change. What seemed a beautiful vision might turn out to be just another personal agenda.

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Heads – The Vision

Do you believe in something greater for OCF?

Yes, I do.

What do you believe in?

That there will be a new generation that rises up to take their places on this earth to walk with faith, hope and love.

I want to really see a generation of believers who can rise up together to bring the goodness and grace, love and mercy of God onto this earth. Moreover, I want to see a generation rise up to stand in the purposes and promises that God has both for their lives.

I want to see a whole new generation of people who can share their life journeys with one another, empowering each other with their life stories and building each other up with their convictions and beliefs.

It dawned upon me after more than 2 weeks of wrestling with OCF. I had been rethinking my purpose of going to OCF. Spiritual growth wise, I am not really growing at all. Fellowship wise, I don’t think I am really connecting with the people there. The superficialities and trivialities of the relationships there sickened me. Many people talk about the OCF family, but I just don’t feel kinship ties being established there.

Beneath all the smiles and the laughter, is there really anything deeper that binds us together? Aside from doing things together, is there any common conviction that we hold on to?

Then I had this thought that perhaps the purpose of me being there was to bring newness to OCF, to bring about a change from within, to challenge the perspectives of my fellow brothers and sisters and to open up spaces for new convictions and beliefs to grow and flourish.

I do believe that each individual has their own dreams and visions that they want to pursue. I truly want to support them in their pursuit. I truly want to play a bigger role in other people’s lives.

But all I see is superficiality and triviality. It would seem that people are keen on talking about the latest movies than about their more recent visions that God has given them. It appears that people enjoy so much of the trivial conversations and empty chatter than sharing their faiths and their spiritual journeys.

Do you have the faith to pursue this vision?

I do not know. Only time will tell.

What drives you to continue to carry this vision?

I guess the hopes that God will do something to intervene in the situation.

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Tails – The Agenda

I have come to realise that my relationships have been ridden with agendas. It just dawned upon me that the things that I do, the things that I say are all coated with a layer of goals.

Now I’m beginning to question that. Is it because I truly want to see my fellow OCFers grow and mature to become true Christ followers? Or is it because I want to impose my beliefs upon them so that I can have OCF run the way I think it is supposed to be run?

I really do not trust myself anymore. I no longer know what I am thinking, or what my real motives for going to OCF are. Only God knows.

What do you hope to see in the relationship?

To be accepted for who I really am.

What do you hope that other people will do for you?

That they will strike conversations with me and not wait for me to go up to them and have conversations with them.

How has that been for you so far?

Not very good. I still find it difficult to strike conversations with people or to share in the things that they enjoy.

Yet, I detect some sense of control within you. Are you sure that your motivations are purely for the growth and good of OCF?

To be honest, I am not that sure anymore.

Don’t you think that the fact that you are not mixing well may be because you’re not actually making the effort?

Well, I suppose so.

Or perhaps you already have expectations of others within a relationship?

Maybe that as well.

Is your vision, then, something with which to mask your personal agenda?

Perhaps that may well be.

I am starting to realise that some of my relationships with others have been riffled with goals and expectations. Perhaps one of my major flaws is that I am unable to adapt to the conversations that are going on in large groups. Perhaps one of the factors that I find it so difficult is that I lack knowledge of the most current hypes or entertainments. In fact, I don’t think that I have much interesting experiences in my life to share with others.

I think that the only way that I can really contribute to OCF is probably by teaching them or sharing what little knowledge that I have (if it is of any worth at all). Again, perhaps relationships aren’t meant to be built upon achieving goals or meeting needs. Ties are meant to be formed by the quality of time spent together and the sense of belonging to the people with whom we interact.

In that case, then perhaps I am in deep trouble. I find it hard to interact and mingle around in large groups, often times because I am reticent to share my thoughts in the midst of the conversations going on around me. I’ve discovered through the ages that I find it so difficult to blend in with their conversations, especially if it’s about the latest movies, or songs, or perhaps some funny experiences. It’s because I don’t really have any preferences or experiences in such things.

Or perhaps it could also be due to my expectations of others. In my mind, I already have ideas of where I would like the conversation to head towards. If it doesn’t turn out the way I imagine it would be, I draw back and the relationship would be scarred.

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It’s shocking really how quickly a tower of security that I had built for myself could come crumbling down so quickly.

Do I dare to dream again? Do I dare to hold my hopes out high?

Do I dare to have new aspirations for OCF?

Which side of the coin am I on?

Am I leaning towards a vision for OCF? Or am I, in reality, lying flat on the face of my own personal agendas of finding comfort in the midst of my own insecurities?

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I arose from my sea of chaotic, incoherent thoughts.

It was not easy immersing myself in the madness, but it had to be done. I had to let out all the bottled up frustrations and resentment that had built up within me. The immensity of the stream of consciousness threatened to rip apart my sanity and my emotional stability. An emotional and spiritual battle was actively fought in soul.

Suddenly there was calm. It dawned upon me the peace of mind to sift through the thoughts and ideas running amok in my head.

I do believe that the dilemma that I am facing now is partly due to the difficulties in changing the mindsets already engrained deeply within each person’s hearts. And I believe that applies to me as well. I had been reluctant to adapt to the circumstances in which I had been placed and I do believe that it is time to change it.

Another thought that came to mind was that of comparisons. I had been so busy comparing myself to others that I did not have the time to listen to the Spirit’s promptings and sense what God is trying to do in the lives of the people around me. I had been too busy trying to match up people’s expectations and trying to figure out what people like or dislike that there was no room for life and spontaneity to flow out from me.

I believe that it is time to make a change.

I may not be as much of a joker as some of them, or have as much interesting experiences in life as they do, but that certainly does not mean that I am any lesser than they are.

I am reminded once again by my PBL tutorials. The changes that came upon me really amazed me. Initially I was reticent and was unwilling to participate, but once I chose to step out in faith and join in the gang, it was smoother sailing for me. I believe that it would be no different in this case as well. If I choose to step out in faith, opportunities would definitely open up for me in my interactions with others.

I might not have the solutions to my current predicament, but I do believe that God will open up doors for me to step out and respond to His leading.

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Ultimately, though, I need to ask myself.

Am I still flipping the coin? Or am I fixing my eyes off the coin to a higher power?

Am I still playing with personal agendas? Or am I pursuing a vision that is worthy of my calling?

And I believe that those are questions that all of us face – questions that demand a response.

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