Diaphanous Memories

A New Season

2010-03-20T01:06:00.006+11:00

Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come away,

For behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone,

The flowers have appeared in the land,

The time has come for pruning the vines,

And the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land.

The fig tree has ripened its figs,

And the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance,

Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come away!

(Song of Songs 2:10 - 13)

It is time to move on. It had been a season of waiting and learning for me, but now I feel to press on. We hold on to things for a season, then we let go. And now, it is time to leave the old things behind. This blog, the memories that have been inscribed in it, will remain as perhaps reminders, fragments, and perhaps figments of one season of my life. But that season is now over, and a new chapter has begun.

And now, my beloved calls for me. I must move on with Him. It is time to go.

Hurry, my beloved, and lead me on...

...to our secret place...

By Faith

2009-10-11T00:17:00.002+11:00

Experience takes us from A point to B where we have been, but it is faith that takes us to C beyond.

We were made for a faith-filled life. We were made to dream outside the box, to uncover hidden truths, to chart unknown territories, to craft and to contrive new ideas and innovations, to dare ourselves to peer into the black box and take the plunge into the unseen realm.

In truth, we were never made to be confined to mental boxes or social frameworks. We were never meant to just rationalize and helplessly accept the seemingly 'inevitable'.

We were never meant to just be passive observers of an atomic structure, or mere infants bewildered by the glory of the sun and the stars. We were never made to live oblivious towards the dandelions or the honey bees, or fearful of the mountain heights or the ocean depths.

No, we were made to interact and actively engage with each and every part of creation, unlimited and unbound by the fetters of our rationales or the chains of our fears and doubts, not held back by what our senses dictate, not restrained by what our mind prescribes.

No, we have always had the capacity to manipulate molecules and atoms, controlling the electron spin and density, phasing through lattice structures and covalent bonds, changing and challenging physical laws and properties of matter and mass, in essence, walking through walls, shifting across distances in the blink of an eye, shrinking ourselves down to the size of a pinhead, or stretching our bodies to the heights to towering redwood.

We marvel at the glory at the celestial bodies, yes, but even beyond mere marvel, we were meant to rule and to master them. We have always had the capacity for space travel, zooming past galaxies beyond the speed of light, defying even Einstein's theory of special relativity, viewing our solar system from the Alpha Centauri, planting our feet on the rings of Saturn, introducing a fresh breath of life in the lifeless Milky Way.

We were made to engage fully with all our senses, fully attuned to the rhythm of creation, to savour and indulge every piece and detail, every big picture and minutiae of creation with the fullest complements of all our sense organs and sense cortices. Imagine if, the sight of the flowers, every shade of pink and blue, triggers a rich fusion of tantalising aromas and fragrances. Or the sound of the honeybees in the field, humming their melodies of joy, setting off an appreciation of the intricate visual detail of the anatomy of each joint and sinew, each segment and component of humble creature, or the texture of their surfaces, with their waxy exoskeletons and their furry thoraces. Imagine the whole symphony of creation - the soothing rumble of the wind, the shrill rustles of the savannah grass, the low-pitched croaking of the jumpy marsh frogs, the triumphant bellows of the lofty elephants - an orchestra of multiple layers of sounds, of a complex blend and mixture of tones and voices, all meeting and intertwining to form a glorious proclamation of the beauty and majesty of our Maker.

We were never meant to be afraid of the natural world. The natural world might have been designed to function according to the set laws of physics and chemistry, but we were never meant to be bound and constrained by these set laws. We were meant to be creative in the way we interact with creation, to play with and experiment with nature. What would it look like if we took the step and flew up to the heavens, or if we explored into the deepest sea trenches and still be breathing as though on land, or scaled the highest peaks without fear of death from hypothermia, or reached into the core of the earth without worry of being incinerated?

All of these sound like grandiose fantasies and wild imaginations of a childhood long past. But what if these childhood dreams and 'irrational' reveries are the way we were meant to live in the first place? What if these insane ideas and fanciful 'delusions' are very much part of our destinies and calling as human beings - to be rulers over creation?

After all, what is stopping us from embracing our calling and destiny? What is stopping us from believing in the impossible? What is limiting us to be content to just submitting to the laws of nature and physics? What is putting the lid on our dreams and visions that yearn to be set free and venture?

Perhaps that is why we are called to live by faith rather than experience. After all, experience can only take you as far as you have been. It is faith that takes you that one step beyond what you have experienced, beyond the mundaneness of our rational thinking, beyond the limitations of our mortal selves.

My Dreams of Psychiatry

2009-10-02T21:36:00.001+10:00

I enjoy studying the brain and the mind. I am really keen on topics related to neuro- or psych-.

I think of myself becoming a psychiatrist or a neuropsychiatrist one day. I know, interacting with patients with mental disabilities, cognitive impairments, disturbances of their psychological wellbeing may not sound like the most glamorous job around.

In fact, the thought of it scares me and puts me off sometimes. Compared to going out an engaging with patients with mental disabilities, I would feel very much more comfortable in an imaging laboratory or administrative office, dealing with fMRI scans and paperwork rather than coming face to face with real, living people who might not appreciate my efforts to help them.

Yet, I know that at the end of the day, the greatest investment that one can make is in the lives of other human beings. The kind of work that stirs and inspires people for generations to come is the work that is geared towards acts of service to people. The kind of work that is life-changing and moving is the work that is built on a certain kind of hope for human beings in future generations.

I am called to prepare now for the work that is ahead of me. I am called to equip myself with the knowledge and skills necessary to complete and carry out my task skilfully and competently.

But more importantly, I am called to train myself in the kind of faith, hope and love that is necessary to channel all my skills, expertise, knowledge and learning into a kind of service that is based upon genuine love for these people and a faith and hope for something greater in their lives.

I pray that my work will be one where I can learn to pour out the love of the Creator into the lives of the people that I care for.

I pray that my work will be one where I dare to believe in something larger for the lives of my patients even when the world around them has given up on them.

I pray that my work will be one where I can usher in the newness of life and the grace of the Spirit that will cast out all spirits of oppression and demonic bondages in their psyche, and fill it with the fruits of love, joy and peace.

And perhaps, there might even come a time when I shall have to lay down my life for someone that I love and believe in. Who knows, I might get killed in the line of duty. Yet, I consider it a worthwhile investment to be able to stand as a representative of a God who wants to bring psychiatry back into submission to the authority of His rapidly advancing Kingdom.

To Die and Rise Again

2009-09-28T00:19:00.002+10:00

Today, I got to witness and celebrate the death and resurrection of a sister. It was an amazing moment to see her choose to let go of her tightrope and allow herself to fall into the great abyss beneath her, and to trust that a faithful God will catch her and lift her up again.

During worship, the words "many witnesses" kept resounding in my mind. Many witnesses - all of God's people, my brothers and sisters in Christ, all of creation - testifying to the faithfulness and holiness of our Creator God. It was later that I realised that my sister was about to undergo her baptism, where she would be plunged into the pool and to rise up again out of the waters. It was then I realised the words were spoken to me. We were all about to bear witness to the death and resurrection of our dear sister.

It was a heartwarming moment, truly, to see her make her choice to follow the Lord Jesus and to serve Him wholeheartedly all the days of her life, to say that she has been crucified with the Lord, that it is no longer she who lives but Christ who lives in her, and that the life that she lives now in the body she lives for the Son of God who loved her and gave himself for her.

I was praying and seeking God for myself later in the evening.

I was seeking wisdom and vision for my relationship. I was seeking guidance for choices of faith that I have to make. I was seeking re-affirmation and re-dedication of all the choices that I have made.

As I was opening up my heart to the Lord, I came to this point where I wanted to just let go and sink into the waters, where I hoped to die in the ocean depths, where I wished to release my grip on my tightrope and fall into the darkness beneath.

In a sense, I wanted the Lord to kill me - to kill my pride, idolatry, anger, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, cynicism. I wanted him to crucify my flesh - my eyes that tell me what is and what is not possible, my stomach with its insatiable appetite, and my mind that thinks it can control everything and pull all the strings together.

So, I let go...

I could hear the loud splash and then it was just silence. I could hear only the hum of the waters and the gentle whispers of the ocean. I chose not to struggle, breathing my last breath, I die...

I sink to the bottom of the ocean. Deeper and deeper. Letting go of all the things that I have been hanging on to. Releasing the chains and fetters, all the idols that have bound me. Choosing to be free from the demons that have whispered to me, in whom I have previously found my security in.

Deeper and deeper...into the darkness beneath...

Gentle waves rolled over the surface of the water. Greyish, wispy clouds hovered above. A mild sea breeze swept across the seas.

The oceans rippled and seemed to quiver. The fluidity of the sea waters was broken and shattered. Bursts of light seemed to emanate from the hidden depths.

I rose out of the water renewed and refreshed, the grace and fire within me refilled and rekindled. The peace and love now abounding and abiding once more. The faith and hope revived and restored.

Now, this light must go into the world, into the land that the Creator has sworn to all humanity, into the place where His Majesty wants to establish His rule and His reign forever and ever, across the entire plane of existence where His promises are sure and His word is steadfast.

Into the land that He will give to me. Into the land that is my inheritance. Into the land where I shall take, settle in, and build for generations to come...

Crying in the Rain

2009-09-25T01:00:00.004+10:00

Crying in the rain, under the silent oak trees,

Cool drops from heaven, meeting warm streaks down her face,

Soaking wet, from an afternoon drizzle,

Still, unmoving, in her contemplative posture.

I came upon her, as the shower ceased,

Cheeks flushed, eyes red, an expression betraying her sadness,

She flashed a faint smile, masking her tears,

But still, a look of misery was painted all over her complexion.

"My gosh, dear. What happened to you?"

Her reply was a polite smile and a simple "Nothing..."

I sat next to hear, on the dew-covered bench,

No words came, a lingering silence hovered.

"Do you wanna go somewhere?"

"Sure, where do you wanna go?"

"Let's take a walk around the city."

"Okay, let's..."

A long, slow walk around the city,

Lumbering past the mundane streets, shuffling along the fresh, green grass,

Trudging past children in their playful wonder, past teens in their game of catch,

Shoes scraping the humid soil, pushing against the dry asphalt.

In a warm-cosy room, facing the dull yellow sunset,

The plush, cushioned seats, the large, fluffy pillows,

Reclining to rest, closing my eyes,

Whispering muffled prayers, my mind spacing out.

Awaking to find her staring out through the invisible glass, peering into the tranquil cityscape,

Tearing through my mental veil, chasing away the sleepy haze,

I gazed, too, on the pallid portrait of this peaceful part of Melbourne,

Turning to her, I ventured an observation.

"You know, this is the first time I've seen you cry."

"Really?..."

"You saw nothing, okay?"

"Alright, alright, sure...I saw nothing..."

The clock ticked on, amidst the silence once more,

As I pensively looked on at the miniature squares tracing smoothly down the empty streets,

The clock ticked on, I finally broke the stillness,

"It's alright to cry, you know..."

"Life can be really difficult sometimes..."

This time she did not hold back,

The tears she fought hard to suppress came streaming down her features,

Her face sank into the warm, fluffy pillow,

Her sadness finally free to find expression in the tenderness of the moment.

Holding her gently on her shoulders,

My face pressed against the cold, hard, table in front of me,

My heart whispering softly to her,

"It okay to cry, dear...it's okay to cry..."

A Few Simple Words

2009-09-23T16:18:00.003+10:00

Today the Spirit dropped a thought in my heart as I was praying for Ivena. She (Spirit) prompted me with this question, "When was the last time you told your dad how much you loved him?"

I decided to follow the leading of the Spirit to convey this message to Ivy. In the process, this spoke to me as well. It made me question, "When was the last time I actually told my mom that I loved her?"

Honestly, I could not remember ever telling my parents how much I truly loved them.

So, I felt that the words spoke and challenged me as well to do the same for my parents. So, alright, I am gonna call them and tell them how much I loved them.

Of course, I had to kill my arrogant and egoistic self that just wanted to do all it could to stop me saying those words.

So then, 12.30 a.m., I finally called home. Had a good talk with mom. Suddenly, the line went dead because she ran out of credit.

Not wanting to leave the conversation hanging, I decided to dial home, though I knew it would cost heaps. After a few more moments of talking, I could feel things building up to this climactic point, where near the end of the conversation, I quickly grabbed the opportunity to slip in the words "I love you, mom" before my rationalisation and pride kicked in.

It was very liberating for me to have finally spoken these words, words that I thought I'd never say. And I could tell how that touched my mom - she was in tears at the end of it.

As for me personally, truly, I still can't believe I said it...but I did...and it feels so amazing. A few simple words can be so difficult to utter sometimes, but when you do, it really does set you free, free to love and to believe.

I love you mom and dad, dearly.

Ironies of Life

2009-09-21T23:48:00.003+10:00

I've come to realise that God loves to indulge in ironies sometimes. He likes to take something that humans dislike or despise and work it out for an outcome that shocks and surprises everyone.

As I reflect, I can think of two major instances in my life where God has challenged and confronted my beliefs about the world, where He has taken something that I utterly despised or had no regard for and turned it into something I would have never expected.

The first is this. When I was younger, I was quite the high achiever, the top scorer. So I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm my own god. I can do anything and go anywhere in life. Who needs religion anyway when I can do everything on my own?" Little do I realise that years later, God would crush and break me to the point where I was so desperate for security that the only one that I could turn to was Him. And so, despite my puffy and arrogant proclamation, God still found a way to turn this stubborn kid into His faithful servant. Back then, I would never have imagined that I would be a Christian. Little did I thought that I would be serving this day the One whom I boldly rejected.

The second one is a tad stranger, yet more interesting at the same time. When I was still in Malaysia, we had to undergo these Patriotism camps, where they immersed and brainwashed you into being more patriotic and loyal towards your country. Now, I have no real major issue with camps like these, though I do think that they are rather a waste of time at times. In these camps, they'd always use the example of Indonesia as the "poor neighbour" and they'd emphasise how Malaysia is far more superior economically and politically to Indonesia. And of course, having heard so many bad reports and sayings about Indonesia, I'd grown up being cynical and disdainful of the "poor neighbour".

So, here's the twist. Little did I know that years later, I'd end up liking an Indonesian girl. If anything, this has got to be the biggest slap in my face ever. It's like God saying to me, "So, you see nothing but bad things in Indonesia? Well, how about that Indonesian girl that you like so much now, huh? *chuckles*" I guess that's true. In reality, I never thought God would turn the tables on me like that. This has got to be one of life's greatest ironies ever! Yet, I am thankful for it, because this Indonesian girl has helped me see so many of the good things in life, and she's definitely one of the most gracious and loving people I've ever met, contrary to what I've been taught as a kid!

Rant on Relationship

2009-09-14T00:28:00.002+10:00

Relationships has got to be one of the hardest things, ever! Just when you think you've got it, you discover that you've lost it.

I know that to be true for myself. While I truly do love her, there are just so many things that get in the way of me really expressing that kind of love and grace to her.

One of the things that for me is really annoying is my ego. I sometimes have this pride inside of me that says, "I'm right, you're wrong!" There is this part of me that insists on getting things done my way, and that I have to somehow convince her of what I believe is true.

I really detest this arrogance, because it seems to imply that I've got her figured out and somehow I can control her and make her behave in a certain way that I want. The trouble with getting things done my way is that I miss out on all the richness and beauty of the things that she has discovered personally in her life. By trying so hard to convince her to take my viewpoint, I have failed to be present to the creativity, freshness and newness that she can possibly bring into my world.

But to really live free from my ego means that I have to kill it, every single day. Each time a tinge of pride starts springing out from my heart, I have to be clear that this will not bring life into the situation (although it does feel good) and I have to make that conscious choice to crucify my pride before it grows and spreads and takes over my entire being.

The second thing that really torments me a lot of the time is the feeling of missing her and just wanting to be with her. It's kind of like taking a drug such as cocaine - you just can't let it go!

Of course, that in itself is not a bad thing. It is definitely a delightful feeling to like somebody, when that warm, fuzzy feeling starts suffuses you with joy, anticipation, romance, and you suddenly see beauty all around you.

Again, trouble comes when I allow my own expectations to rule over me, when I'm in that zone of missing her. I have this expectation that she would show that she cared for me, by calling or at least drop me an SMS!

"Agh! She didn't reply my message! How selfish of her!"

"Why doesn't she call! Doesn't she care about our friendship (which is kind of a funny way to think about things, 'cuz even friends don't call one another every day!)!"

"Agh! Why do I have to keep doing all the calling and SMS-ing! Why can't she initiate, for once!"

I know this might sound stupid or silly, but these are the issues, trivial as they may seem, that I am faced with almost every single day of my life! Sometimes, these seemingly harmless problems can escalate into full-blown jealousy, resentment, etc. and it just consumes me. Sounds horrendous doesn't it?

Working through relationships is definitely a struggle. But there is definitely something wonderful and delightful when, despite knowing the fears, insecurities, expectations, ego that I have, that she still chooses to trust and love me just the way I am. And I am learning each day to embrace her and to love her the way she is, regardless of her imperfections and insecurities.

And there is something amazing, even a miracle, when two people, with their own problems, issues, hurts, fears and major differences, still learn to love one another and embrace each other as they are, learning to trust and to hold faith for the dreams and visions that are being birthed in each person's heart, learning to uphold each other in his/her struggles and to encourage him/her towards good deeds, learning to join with one another in Spirit to see life and goodness overflow to the people around them.

It is a pain, but a blessing at the same time. Some might say that it's just not worth the trouble. Some might say let's just focus on the good bits and ignore the bad bits.

As for me, I want to treasure each struggle as a battle that I fight because she is just worth that effort. And I want to savour the good times, when I can enjoy each moment with her for who she is, one whom I trust and truly care for.

Still a Kid

2009-09-05T19:11:00.002+10:00

Soon, I shall no longer be in my teens. I never thought that this day would come so quickly. I know that I should be wiser, more mature, able to handle the world and its complexities, prepared to take on the challenges of life.

Yet, I know that deep down, I'm still a kid, learning his way around the world, struggling to get up and walk, training to run the race of endurance. I'm still a kid, wanting to see more of the beauty of this world, still desiring to peer into the mystery of existence with the eyes of awe and wonder. I'm still a kid, wanting to just be free to live each day as it comes, not being anxious or worried about the days ahead, what I will eat, or wear, or the people whom I will cross paths with.

But biology and society say that it's time to grow up, to leave behind my childhood games and learn to be part of the 'real' world. Perhaps they're right. Perhaps it is time.

Perhaps it is time to put away my looking glass and my crystal globe. Perhaps it is time to take a walk down the streets into this larger world called 'earth'. Perhaps it is time to get up and run. Perhaps it is time to grow up...

In the Rain

2009-09-05T03:13:00.002+10:00

I love walking in the rain. There is this invigorating sense of refreshing and newness of being drenched in the life-giving waters from heaven. It is the source of fresh growth and fruitfulness on the earth, nourishing, rehydrating, rejuvenating the parched, arid, sparse landscape, and turning it into wellsprings of life, luscious greenery and vibrant gardens.

In the rain, I just feel so alive and free. Each time it rains, and I happen to have raindrops falling on my head, the song rings in my head:

Let the rain fall down, and wake my dreams,

Let it wash away, my sanity,

'Cause I wanna feel the thunder, I wanna scream,

Let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean.

Truly, I just feel like screaming my lungs out, singing to my heart's content. I just feel like having my dreams awakened and my sanity, logic, reasoning washed away for that moment, drowned out in the freedom to do whatever I want - to run, to jump, to dance with delight, to twirl around, and just be me!

I just want to be free to dream, to feel the largeness of the infinite skies, to experience the awesomeness of a thunder roll, to feel the wind beating against my face, as I tread, as I run, down the city streets, down the green grass, down the gravel pavements, down the dirt roads.

In the rain. I am alive and free!

Fairy Tales

2009-08-26T16:30:00.002+10:00

We turned and left without our usual goodbyes. Not even a parting glance, or an endearing smile.

A hasty farewell, an abrupt parting. A sad ending, perhaps, to what was a wonderful fairy tale.

"See you," she said, in a dull, monotonous voice, as she headed for the tram.

"Yea...see you," I reciprocated, in an equally empty and languid tone. A sharp turn to the left on the sidewalk.

And I was on my way back home. No parting glances. No endearing smiles. No turning back.

"I'm really sorry about today...," I said in a text message to her later on, "...but I guess not all stories have happy endings."

"That's OK, I guess it's better that way."

"Yea, perhaps..."

A choice that had to be made. A step that had to be taken.

Perhaps, it was never meant to be in the first place. Perhaps, it would have been better if we had never met. Perhaps, it was time to let go.

Of all things. The sweet laughter, the delightful memories, the florid smiles, the colourful times, the wonderful journey.

That night in the Docklands under the moonlight, facing the magnificent waterfront.

Pounded by the cold, chilly winds. Shivering and writhing out in the open air on a winter night.

Yet, there was something warm and delightful about her presence. We popped the cork and poured some sparkling wine into our glasses. A toast to one year of friendship.

Sipping the wine, savouring its flavour. A delightful tinge in the mouth.

"You know, I really do like you, I really do. But I know that I am not prepared for a relationship. But no matter what, you will always be a really special friend to me."

"Do you like me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Do you think I like you?"

I was taken aback by her question. "Umm...maybe?"

"Yes, I do."

"So, what do you think of our relationship now?"

"What do you think?"

"I really do like you, but I guess I'm not ready for it. And I believe that going for it now would not be the best thing for the both of us."

"Don't get me wrong. I really do enjoy being with you. But right now, I'm more concerned about seeing you grow in your walk with God and I don't want our relationship to be a hindrance to the things that God has called you to do."

"Then I'll wait. Do what you think is best..."

--

Looking back. Did we really like each other? Does it even matter now?

Were those words lies? Empty syllables from a well rehearsed skit, excerpts from a fantasy story that was never meant to come true.

Perhaps it was all never meant to be.

But surely, it can't end here! There has to be more. I really do care about her. I really do treasure her.

A faint glimmer of light in the distance. A small gentle voice whispering in my heart.

"I know you're annoyed. I'm really sorry for today. I guess these things do happen, and perhaps we shouldn't make too big a deal out of it. I really do treasure our friendship."

Her reply startled me.

"What are you apologising for? By the way, what colour do you like?"

I could not withhold a smile. With laughter in my heart, thinking to myself, "What in the world is this crazy girl thinking?!"

The Distant Voice

2009-08-22T11:58:00.001+10:00

Feeling lost in this space, in this time

The slow creep of languor and fatigue

Seeping insidiously into the heart

Displacing life, dispelling certainty

The deafening drones of endless tirades

Of the same mechanical routines

Churning and spinning round and round

Like the synchrony of clockwork

The unnerving hustles and bustles

Of never-ending work

Formless, empty and dark

Devoid of meaning, deficient in purpose

The irony of life, the paradox of the self

Gnaws away at the core of the soul

Gently erasing all rhyme and reason

Steadily effacing all traces of sanity

This unwilling union of body and mind

Tugs and pulls, wrestles and contends

The two seeming so distant from each other

Yet, so intricately linked, in an uneasy truce

The mind desires freedom

In its world unfettered by rules and laws

Yet the body sees reality

Governed by finiteness, ruled by uncertainty

A battle of idealism and reality

Of the boundless against the bound

Fleeting glimpses of love and hope pitted

Against the stone cold gaze of a cynical world

Freshness drained and desiccated

Creativity stifled and stolen

Dreams mangled and macerated

Hopes pilfered and pillaged

The dullness and dreariness settle in

The chimes of void and emptiness ring

In the monotony, silence sings

Its ceaseless tune of yearning and longing

Lone souls travelling and searching

Longing, hungering for purpose and meaning

Searching in a world

Fumbling for its own sense of direction

Everywhere they look,

High and low, near and distant,

Everyone wallowing in their self pity and mockery

Constantly judging, always accusing

Individuals so bereft of passion for life

Communities so sapped of identity and belonging

Cities reaching ever farther and taller

Yet somehow drained of its human essence

Humanity climbing higher the stairs of heaven

Revelling in their grand achievements and intellect

Genetic manipulation, at one time, cloning, the next

Artificial intelligence and war machines to add to the lot

Shoot for the stars as it may

It has neglected its poor and the oppressed

It has sidelined the needy and those at the bottom

It has rejected the core meaning of being human

Should we be surprised, then?

When another revolution is sparked and ignited

When wars erupt and terror reigns

When the social fabric as we know is torn and tattered

What calamity it would be

When mankind deteriorates to its final amnesia

Forgetting ever what it means to love

Never remembering grace, and faith, and hope

Perhaps this is what humanity needs

To awaken it from its deep slumber

When communities lie in desolate shambles

When cities are reduced to ashen rubble

Do we hear the distant voice?

Calling out, longing for our attention

Do we hear the distant voice?

Whispering gently in the chambers of our hearts

The voice calling out in the wilderness

Calling us back to life

To embrace the gift and miracle of every second

To treasure and value each breath we draw

The voice calling from our hearts

Calling us back to love

To extend grace and to receive forgiveness

To always preserve and protect

To love our neighbours, as we do ourselves

To love our enemies, as we do our brothers

To love our communities, as we do our families

To love our cities, as we do our homes

The voice calling from the earth

Calling us back to faith

The substance of things hoped for

And the evidence of things not seen

To believe in our heritage and belonging

To believe in our identity and purpose

To believe in our calling and destiny

To believe in our vision and mission

The voice calling from the heavens

Calling us back to hope

For the greater things that are yet to come

For the good promises that will be done

To hope for His Kingdom upon this earth

To hope that we will enter and dwell in the land

To hope that we will be fruitful and fill the earth

To hope that we will one day call this place home

That voice singing to us for all time

Its eternal melody of clarity and purpose

That voice singing to us one more time

Its enthralling tune of grace and life

That voice which breathes into us

Untainted freshness and boundless creativity

That voice which speaks into us

Unchained visions and unlimited dreams

That voice calling us out

Out from darkness and into light

Out from emptiness into purpose

Out from formlessness into identity

That voice leading us back

Back to what it means to be human

Back to what it means to be free

Back to what it means to live free

That distant voice calling to us

In the midst of a parched and desiccated land

In the midst of a scorched and macerated earth

In the midst of a dry and pillaged world

That distant voice calling out to us

Yearning to break through to us

Through the unnerving hustles and bustles

Through the deafening drones of endless tirades

That distant voice calling to us

Restoring our souls, retracing our sanity

Stopping the relentless spin of clockwork

Displacing languor, dispelling fatigue

Feeling lost in this space, in this time

As a lone soul travelling and searching

In the silence, that distant voice sings

In the silence, the Creator speaks.

Greater Things

2009-06-28T01:37:00.002+10:00

This year's annual dinner was quite an interesting experience for me because I finally had the opportunity to dance before the Lord.

I believe this opportunity to be from the Lord and not by random chance. It just so happened that I was sharing with Ivena over dinner one day about my desire to dance for the Lord, especially holding the banners for Him. The Sunday that week, Doreen asked me if I wanted to hold the banners for Annual Dinner. I was rather amazed at this timely "coincidence". It was truly an opportunity that the Lord had opened up for me to serve, according to what I had asked of Him.

Now that I have had a chance to perform on stage, I now know the amount of effort and labour that goes into preparing for the performance. Indeed, many hours of practice and correction goes into preparing for a few minutes worth of stage time.

The practice sessions have taught me a lot about commitment and what it means to work with other people. There were times when I thought of skipping a session or two, because I was lazy and unmotivated to go for them. Yet, I am reminded that God had opened up the door for me to worship Him with banners, and so there is the expectation that I would actually put into the effort and commitment into it. I would usually start off by asking myself why was I doing it, but as the sessions elapsed, I found myself enjoying and learning much from them.

Those sessions have also taught me what it means to work with other people. During practice, there are inevitably different people with different capacities and talents. There are people who learn more slowly than others, and there are people who are not as good as others in picking up the skills and movements. It is these times then that I am challenged: Do I look at them condescendingly because they are weaker, and I am better than them? Do I smile in satisfaction because I've got it, and they haven't? These are definitely some of the temptations that I face personally. It is definitely a challenge, then, for me to learn what it means to believe in another person who's "not as good" as me and to push and encourage them, to build and move them instead of looking down upon them.

Sometimes, it is truly a test of faith and patience when you are confronted with mess ups and with people who just cannot seem to get the moves right. But this is where the team spirit is of utmost importance. Every member is important and needs to be encouraged. After all, we are only as fast as our slowest person in our team!

Sometimes you wonder - hey, I already get the moves, so why do I even need to be here? Truth is, we are not individuals doing solo performances, but we are a team, one body coming together to worship the Lord. Therefore, the reason that we need to be there is so that the whole body can mobilise together. There may be some parts of the body that are still not performing their functions at their best, but it takes the whole body together in one piece to coordinate the whole dance movements in synchrony rather than having each part do its own thing.

Another challenge that I faced during practice was setting the right focus for it. A lot of the times, the practice sessions become, for me, rather mechanical and repetitive instead of a meaningful time that is set apart for the worship of the Lord. I guess I still have much to learn in this area - to see purpose and opportunities to bring life into each and every practice session. I find that sometimes these sessions become, for me, merely time to get things done and over with instead of times that I get to spend with people, sharing in the journey and learning from their lives. This is definitely a challenge for me to be more attentive to the people around me during practice.

When all the individual parts started coming together such that I could finally see the whole flow of things, it made me fired up and excited about it. It wasn't until we practised along with the dancers and with the music that I could finally see how things would work out, and how the movements would fit in with one another. Seeing things fit together really makes you excited to see the dance being perfected and you start realising the relevance of all the different parts that you've learned in isolation.

I think the biggest thing for me though when we practised with the music was that I was able to catch the spirit and the meaning behind the song, and to allow the joy and excitement that was brewing inside of me to just be expressed through each movement of the banner. When I was immersed in the depth and richness of the words in the song, there was just suddenly this part inside of me that went alive and just wanted to express itself through the swing of the banner.

And true enough, the song chosen for this year's annual dinner was truly a powerful and meaningful one - God of this City. To believe that the God that we serve is the God of this city. To believe that the Creator whose purposes are true wants to bring His life and goodness into this land that we have planted our feet on. To believe that there are so many greater things to come, and so many amazing things that the Lord wants to usher into this beautiful city called Melbourne.

When you raise the banner high proclaiming all these things, there is a sense of honour and privilege to be part of the Lord's army, marching into every corner of the city ushering His edict and will into every sphere of life. There is this sense that you are a rallying point of people from all nations, from all four corners of the earth, calling them to arms, calling them follow the leading of the Ark of the Covenant to take possession of the land.

I do realise that sometimes, you might be self-conscious about your performance so as not to make a mistake and end up embarrassing yourself and disrupting the dynamics of the team. Now I truly understand the tension between performing well and worshipping the Lord. There is this sort of balance between doing it right, yet knowing at the end of the day the first and foremost thing that the Lord desires is our worship and our calling people into the adoration of His purposes and goodness. I shall definitely not take lightly the tensions faced by the worship team ever again!

Yet, at the end of the day, it truly is all about the worship and adoration of the Lord, and calling His purposes onto this earth, this land that we stand on, and to bring people to the place where they can be immersed in the faithfulness and truth of His promises for this city.

I believe that although we as a team made several mistakes tonight during our performance, we have done our best and we have committed it to the Lord. I believe that we have gotten the message across to the people, and that they have been able to catch glimpses of the Lord's purposes for this city.

All in all, I must say that it has been an amazing experience working with the team. It has truly been amazing standing together as a team for the Lord, to have fought this battle together and to have walked the journey of learning and experiencing with one another.

I praise God from the bottom of my heart for this amazing opportunity to not only explore dancing, but also for the wonderful lessons that He has taught me along the way. I definitely look forward to more of such opportunities in the future.

And all for His glory. So let it be.

To Love Means...

2009-06-24T01:57:00.002+10:00

Over the past few weeks, I have had time to reflect upon and to struggle with my feelings for her. It's been a hard wrestle between two states of mind - I WANT her, yet I DON'T KNOW if I am prepared to handle the relationship.

Yet, as I have discovered over the weeks, it is really not about pursuing or getting her, but it is more about walking the journey of faith with her, and to care and love her as a dear sister, as someone that I am learning to trust and as someone that I truly want to see grow and mature into all that she was created to be.

And with each moment that we share, there is something about our conversations that surprise me. Just when I thought that I know all there is to know about her, and that I fully understand and comprehend her life journey, she surprises me yet again with new stories and fresh perspectives. It really challenged me and made me think of how little I actually know about her.

So here I am, barely knowing her, yet trusting her with my secrets and personal stories, and believing for her as though I have known her inside out. Relationships are truly complicated and interesting. There is always an element of it that catches you off guard, one part of it that speaks something new to you each day, a part of it that reminds you of what it means to love and to care for another human being.

I think my friendship and journey with her has indeed taught me much about what it means to love and to care for someone. It has challenged me to rethink the ways I engage in my relationships. It has really challenged me what it means to not just pursue her, but to really believe in her life journey, her hopes, her dreams and her life.

There is definitely still much to learn, but I am truly glad that I could be part of her life. I am truly glad that we have had the chance to cross paths and to allow our journeys to intertwine.

I am truly thankful for the opportunity that I have had to meet her during our tutorials together in Semester 2. I am thankful for the times spent together since then, the words, the meals, the conversations, the outings that have brought our friendship to this point.

We spent the day together yesterday before she went back to her home country for holidays. I thought it was a really amazing day, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I think as much as I enjoyed the time spent together doing things, I really enjoyed the meaningful conversations that we've had over dinner, and over our walk along the Yarra afterwards.

It was always eye-opening and heart-warming to listen to the stories that she has to tell, and to hear the voice of her heart and to catch snippets of the expressions of the spirit that is within her. I treasure her openness in her sharing, I value her honesty in her words, I cherish her freedom in her expressions. To many people, these conversations and life stories might not mean much at all, but to me, they are captured moments, still frames and engravings etched on the face of time and history that have shaped and moulded me, and have taught me what it means to love, to care and to be thankful for the abundance that I have.

And today, I know just how much I truly care for her. It was during dance rehearsal today for my community's upcoming annual dinner. During the rehearsal, some strange feeling of moodiness just settled upon me and I just could not explain it. I guess I am not a very person to joke around with when I am moody. The members were, as usual, always teasing me - not that I have problems with that, I do enjoy a good laughter - but I guess this just annoyed me and I ended up snapping at one of my brothers. I was shocked at my impulsiveness and apologised afterwards, but I guess now that I've thought about it, I realise just how much I truly care about her and just how much I miss her already.

I know it's silly to be sad, because she'll be back again pretty soon. I know that I should release her in faith and in the blessings of the Lord to accomplish all that she set out to do this holidays. Yet, I suppose that sometimes, there is always the emotional attachment involved.

I know that my feelings for her are true, yet I do know at the same time not to rely solely on my feelings because they can be misleading sometimes.

As per our friendship now, I believe in the love of Christ that we share with one another, I believe in the bond of the Spirit that unites us, I believe in the good purposes that the Creator has for her life, I believe in the faithfulness of our Lord and His grace that is manifested in her life. Although I must admit that I do not fully share her passions and her visions, I am learning each day lift her up in prayer and to speak courage and faith into her life for the dreams that she has.

People might think that: Oh, you might think that now because you are still in your "romance" period. Just wait till the going gets tough. Let's see if you would still have the same convictions for her then.

Well, I do not pretend to be ignorant of this. I am fully aware that I am still in the relatively 'sweet' period of a friendship and there definitely is much uncertainty that awaits me in the future. I am fully aware that circumstances will change and things will not always be as sweet as they are right now.

There would most likely be conflicts and frustrations, dissatisfaction and anger. I do not pretend to be oblivious or indifferent to them. At times, the thought of these possibilities really do scare me.

Yet, I also know deep down in my spirit that there is a God who is greater than all these things, that there is a God who plans and guides my path, a God who desires the best for me and a God who will make all things beautiful in their time.

I am well aware, then, that there is a possibility that I would have to let her go so that she can be all that she was made to be, that she would achieve the best possible for her life. I am well aware that to love her means that there is chance that I would have to release her to achieve the dreams that God has placed in her heart and to allow her to walk the path that she has meant to tread. But, truly, if that is what is best for her life, then so let it be. If that is what it takes for the dove to fly, then let her be free to soar.

Issues of relationships are never straightforward and there are no one-size-fits-all kind of answers. Yet, I do believe that at the core of it is the love of the Creator that sets us free, the faith of Christ that anchors us, and the hope of the Spirit that moves us.

There are many things that I am uncertain of, and there are countless possibilities of what the future holds.

Yet, I know this to be true: that I care for this girl and love her deeply - NOT as someone that I can possess as a "girlfriend" (whatever this term means anyway), BUT as a special friend and a sister who I trust and want to share my life journey with.

So in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I consecrate my friendship with her unto the Lord Almighty. May you, O Lord, lead us together to greater heights, and pour out you grace, love and joy more abundantly into our lives. Teach us what it means to love each other with same kind of love that you have poured out to us. And teach us what it means to care for another as Christ cared for His Church.

So, today I speak these blessings into our lives. May Your grace and your love be present and manifested in our daily lives, in our interactions, in our words, in our thoughts and in our deeds. And, in Your Son's most precious and holy name I pray these things.

Amen.

Redefining Relationships

2009-06-22T00:16:00.003+10:00

Throughout the past week, I have been wrestling through issues about relationships, consolidating and crystallising my convictions about this complicated issue. The following are my attempts to put into words things that I have yet to fully understand (if I’d ever fully understand them). They represent certainties and convictions that I have reached at this point in time. They are thoughts and ideas that I treasure and discoveries that I would like to share with people who are on the same journey of discovering what it means to be in a life-giving and purposeful relationship.

There are no grand tricks or detailed schemes, and those in search of these things would very well be disappointed. However, to those who seek honest opinions and to those who are open to receive, I pray that these convictions that I have gathered thus far would prove to be of inspiration and encouragement to you.

First of all, I would like to say that being in a relationship is NOT a point where we need to reach, NOR is it a bridge that we need to cross. Rather, it is a continuous journey between two people learning to share their lives with one another, built upon the foundations of trust and respect. Nowadays, we are often fed erroneous ideas that to be in a relationship with someone first requires you to make him/her you boy/girlfriend, as though the person is an item that you can possess and manipulate according to your fancies.

Our relations with people are never meant to be discontinuous states of existence, where at one point in time, they are just “friends” and at the next point in time, they become “boy/girlfriends”. Today, we have a tendency to compartmentalise and to categorise our relationships with the people around us into “acquaintance”, “friend” and “boy/girlfriend”. We especially like to draw a line of distinction between “friend” and “boy/girlfriend”, where the former are the people that we kind of like, and the latter is/are the person (or sometimes people) that we really like. We think that these two categories are so different to one another, and that in order to truly care for someone we like, we need to get us to move from just being friends to being couples. In other words, we get the wrong impression that in order to start “loving” someone, we need to get him/her to be our boy/girlfriend. We think that we can only move to a new level of love, care and trust AFTER we have crossed the line.

Well, truth be told, the more we think about it, the more we know that it is not true. We do not learn to love and care for someone only AFTER he/she becomes our guy/girlfriend. The foundations of love and trust need to be built up even before that, because if we do not learn to love someone, we may feel “in love” with him/her because of certain things that we like about him/her but when the magic and the romance is gone, we discover that it is truly hard to care for that person because the necessary foundations have not been built up.

So far, I think I might have gotten ahead of myself and put forth a number of big ideas that need further explanation.

Let me restate my belief as clearly as I can. A relationship is a CONTINUOUS journey walked with another person, built upon the foundations of LOVE and TRUST, as both parties learn what it means to share life with one another, to believe in the things for each other’s lives and to want the best for one another.

Therefore, it is my belief that there is NO such category called “boy/girlfriend”. There is only the degree of trust and love that you have for another person that moves you to want to share your lives together.

The implication of this is that being “in a relationship” is not making the person “yours”, like taking possession of an object and using him/her for your pleasures. Rather, it is a continuous process of journeying and learning with that person what it means to love him/her for the person that he/she is, to believe in his/her dreams, passions and life, to uphold and desire the best for him/her.

Being in a relationship is NOT liking a girl for certain things, then doing your best to get her to be your girlfriend, and then love her and care for her and live happily ever after.

Being in a relationship IS to learn to love and care for that girl, to learn to trust her to a point where the both of you can start believing for things in each other’s lives and seeking the best for one another, and then potentially, making a promise of marriage to her.

We can view relationships as a sort of a continuous scale rather than two discrete states of being.

So then, now that that is made clear, this then changes the way we build our relationships.

A relationship with the boy/girlfriend mentality tends to be based on the things each party likes about the other party, e.g. the looks, the achievements, the personality. It is usually these things that make us feel a certain way towards the other person, and it is these things that drive us to want to make them "ours". Of course there is nothing wrong with enjoying these things because we are created to enjoy these good things about being with another person.

However, the trouble comes when a relationship is built solely upon the likes because there will be times when either the things that you like about a person gradually fade away, e.g. wealth, physical attraction, etc. or there are times when there are circumstances in life that become more imminent than the fantasy world that both parties have constructed together.

So, if a relationship is a journey of learning to love and trust, then obviously it should be founded upon love and trust!

Now, of course, we would need to clarify the word “love” because it is used in overly liberal ways today.

To love someone truly means to be willing to lay down the things that matter to you to see another person grow and succeed. To love someone is NOT a feeling, but it is a choice that is decisively made to care about another person’s life, and of course this can happen even when you are not “feeling like it”.

A loving and life-giving relationship happens when both parties are learning to walk together each day, being present and aware of each other’s life journeys, dreams and visions, struggles and triumphs, peaks and troughs, in essence each other! A life-giving relationship begins when both parties despite their differences, uncertainties, and frustrations learn to trust not their feelings, but that part of their hearts that know that they truly care about the other person and want to see him/her grow. A relationship is about savouring each moment as it comes and discovering something new about one another each day, discovering with each encounter more and more of another person’s life and hopes and passions.

Also, a loving relationship means wanting the best for each other. And potentially, this might mean that you are not the “best” person for him/her. If we operate with the mindset that a relationship is NOT about possessing the guy/girl, then this would mean that there is the chance that we would need to let the person go and release him/her with blessings so that he/she might achieve the best for his/her life, including the best partner in life. This of course does not sit well with us because we WANT him/her! Yet, if we understand love and trust, then we also need to understand that sometimes, to love someone means to let them go so that they can be all that they can be, that they can reach for the best in life.

So, let us summarise then. A relationship involves trusting and caring for another person’s life journey and love and grace to want to push and propel the person to be all that they can be, so that they can achieve the best in life.

Being in a relationship is NOT about making the person yours, but it is about learning to walk in faith, love and trust for another person and to see him/her grow and blossom to be the fullness of the image of what they were created to be.

It can be a painful pill to swallow, yet if we choose to engage in our relationships in this manner, we will discover, I believe, much joy and fruitfulness and grace in our lives and the life of that one person that we have learned to love and care about.

Of course, I say that there is no boy/girlfriend category because the way a lot of society perceives boy/girlfriend is that they “belong” to one another. To be clear, I am not against people calling themselves boy/girlfriends so long as we are clear that relationships is not about the possession or the endpoint, but it is about the journey.

Obviously, there is much more to be said about relationships. These few paragraphs of thoughts barely scratch the surface of the complexities and beauty of relationships. Yet, I shall save them for another day. I believe this is sufficient for now.

And It Was Seven!

2009-06-17T01:20:00.003+10:00

And it was SEVEN!

Seven – the number of perfection. A symbol of completeness and divine union. A mark of totality and entirety.

Today was a good day. A good day indeed. Seven things I praise God for today.

Praise Point #1

I sat for my clinical interview examination. I predicted that the patient case would be related to cough, and it turned out to be true! When I read the patient case and saw that it was a case of cough, I could not help but laugh to myself.

The interview went pretty well. The bell rang to mark the end of the interview as I finished my final question to elicit all the necessary information from the patient.

Everything went well. And it did not end there.

Praise Point #2

During quarantine time after the interview, I had several good conversations. I was truly amazed that the Lord brought me to these few people, as I was pondering the night before about who I was going to talk to during quarantine.

I finally managed to talk to Sam, the girl in medicine who shaved her hair for a charity run for cancer patients. I have always wanted to speak to her to find out more about her motivation for doing what she did.

It turned out that it was something personal to her. She has had people close to her suffering from cancer, especially her mom. Her mom had cancer when Sam was still young, and she was accustomed to the sight her mom without her hair due to the side effects of chemotherapy. Therefore, to her, she was not afraid to go bald for these cancer sufferers.

I am truly amazed at the heart and compassion that she has for these people and I truly admire the courage that she has to step out and to do this give of herself to help these people. I believe that she will continue to stir more and more people into action through her selflessness and passion.

Praise Point #3

I also had the opportunity to catch up with Ope, a Botswanan friend whom I have not talked to for quite some time now. It was great to be able to share from my heart the things I believe about life to her. Just yesterday after my exams, I received an SMS from a friend back in Malaysia telling me that her friend’s dad had died of complication of a heart attack. That message truly reminded me of the beauty and the value of life. Each life has its own beautiful journey and at times it’s really just sad to see that circumstances that snatch away the life that we so dearly hold on to. Life is truly something that we should be thankful for and treasure each day.

Ope also shared with her some the struggles that she had when she was younger to get to the point where she is today. I think that it is true that at many times, in the busyness and hubris of life, we tend to forget that there is so much more to life than just getting a good job, getting good grades, getting the things we like. There are just so, so many people out there who are less fortunate than we are, people who need grace, and love and forgiveness, people whose lives can be radically changed if only they had even a small portion of the blessings that a lot of us privileged enough to be studying in Australia are enjoying today.

Praise Point #4

After the quarantine, a bunch of us Meddies decided to go have dim sum in the city. I was pretty reluctant to go initially because I did not fancy the idea of big groups, but I decided to tag along anyway. I am glad I went. We had much good food and a chance to chat about random things and to laugh about them, especially Seok’s name being pronounced “Sheok”, which is kind of like “Shock” (But it was all Iv’s fault! She influenced my pronunciation!)

Also, I finally got to know more about a Vietnamese girl in Med whom I have seen around often, but haven’t really had much opportunities to talk to. On the way, I was thinking if I would be sitting with her, and surprisingly I did! When I arrived, the seat next to her was empty. My “predictions” were freakishly accurate today, and it was really starting to scare me. Seems like God really does have a way of answering prayers. But still, it was good to be able to get to know her more after seeing her around in the medical building for a year and a half.

Praise Point #5

I went to Uni after lunch, and had a nice cup of hot chocolate with Ivena, and today, it was our seventh for this semester – a perfect number with which to end the wonderful semester.

I always enjoy hot chocos with her. It’s one of those times when I can just sit around her and share time with her. She truly is a good listener and I feel that she can really connect with the small, insecure person that is inside of me and she is able to open the space where I can just share openly with her about things.

We talked about our past childhood experiences. But as we did that, I was suddenly overcome by the feelings of “emo-ness”, nostalgia and poignancy. I do not know why I suddenly had these feelings today, as I have not had them for quite some time now. I guess there are just many things that I regret and wished I could have done. And maybe I have been bottling up my emotions too much and have not fully conquered the ghosts of my past.

But still, I am glad that she was there to just listen and to share in that “emo” moment. It is always a great comfort knowing that she is there to support me.

Praise Point #6

After spending some time at Union House, we walked to this restaurant on Lygon Street called “Taste of Asia” to celebrate Seok Mei’s birthday.

It was a really great night I must say. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was great to be able to celebrate birthdays with friends, and to just lay back and relax after a stressful week of exams.

I seriously loved Daniel’s deserts and pastries. My gosh! They were the best pastries I have ever tasted! He beat the girls hands down! He should really consider working at the Brunetti’s shop.

Also, I got to know the person serving us that night, Jack, and his wife, Amethyst. Apparently, the restaurant was his father’s business and he moved to Melbourne from Malaysia three years ago. It was nice to be able to meet him and to share a bit of his life. I might drop by the restaurant again in the future and talk to him again.

Praise Point #7

The night before, I was thinking of visiting one of the beaches in Melbourne.

And today, I asked a friend if she wanted to just hop on a train during the holidays and cruise along to one of the suburbs. And she suggested, “Let’s go to Frankston!”

I said, “OK, but what’s in Frankston?”

“The beach!” came her reply.

I was shocked yet amazed at the same time. That was just where I wanted to go!

Truly, God has been gracious to me today. He has granted me my heart’s desires, and I accept them with humility and thanksgiving. It is truly a blessing and joy walking with the Lord each day. There is just so many things to discover each new day and so many opportunities that He opens up to just enjoy the friendships that He brings into our paths, to listen and learn from other people’s life stories, and to appreciate and treasure the simplicities of even a small cup of hot chocolate…

Thank you so much, Father Lord! You are good all the time, and all the time you are good. Amen.

*Coincidentally, this is the seventh post for this month. Just perfect...

Cities of Refuge

2009-06-13T03:06:00.001+10:00

1 Then the LORD said to Joshua: 2 "Tell the Israelites to designate the cities of refuge, as I instructed you through Moses, 3 so that anyone who kills a person accidentally and unintentionally may flee there and find protection from the avenger of blood.

4 "When he flees to one of these cities, he is to stand in the entrance of the city gate and state his case before the elders of that city. Then they are to admit him into their city and give him a place to live with them. 5 If the avenger of blood pursues him, they must not surrender the one accused, because he killed his neighbor unintentionally and without malice aforethought. 6 He is to stay in that city until he has stood trial before the assembly and until the death of the high priest who is serving at that time. Then he may go back to his own home in the town from which he fled."

7 So they set apart Kedesh in Galilee in the hill country of Naphtali, Shechem in the hill country of Ephraim, and Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the hill country of Judah. 8 On the east side of the Jordan of Jericho they designated Bezer in the desert on the plateau in the tribe of Reuben, Ramoth in Gilead in the tribe of Gad, and Golan in Bashan in the tribe of Manasseh. 9 Any of the Israelites or any alien living among them who killed someone accidentally could flee to these designated cities and not be killed by the avenger of blood prior to standing trial before the assembly.

(Joshua 20:1 – 9)

For the past two days, I have been meditating on this passage of scripture about the city of refuge. Here is some background about the city of refuge in the Old Testament days. Under the Israelite law, it is right for the next of kin to avenge the death of their family or relative. The Israelite code places the severe penalty of death upon those who commit murder, those who scheme and plot the demise of another, or as the Biblical writers put it, those who “lay in wait” to kill. However, there are times when one accidentally kills another person without malice or ill intention, just by pure accident or dumb luck. To avoid being killed unjustly by the “avenger of blood”, cities of refuge were set up all over Israel to ensure that these people who have accidentally killed someone could seek safe shelter from their hunters until they stand trial before the congregation of Israel.

There are altogether six cities of refuge designated throughout Israel – three to the west of Jordan (in the land of Canaan) and three to the east of the Jordan. Each of them were strategically placed upon prominences or high grounds so that it could be easily seen from afar, and the roads leading to these cities were well-maintained – all to facilitate easy escape of the asylum seekers to these cities (within half a day from anywhere in Israel) so that they would not be overtaken by their assassins, and be killed without guilt.

Upon reaching the city, the refugees would then report to the elders his story, upon which the elders would provide him with an accommodation within the city. Then, he would stand trial before the congregation of Israel. If he was found guilty, he would be handed over to the avenger to be killed. Otherwise, he would be returned to the city of refuge, where he would dwell until the death of the ruling High Priest, upon which he would be free to return to his land of inheritance. Should he venture out of the city before that and if he were suddenly confronted by the avenger and was killed, the blame would be laid upon his own head for stepping out of the walls of protection of the city before his appointed time. An interesting to note is that the cities of refuge are not only for Israelites but also for foreigners or aliens amongst them.

All the cities of refuge, if we read on further to Joshua 21, were given to the Levites, the priestly order and ministers before the Lord, as their settlements.

We live in a world where in every corner lurks an avenger waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting victim. We live in a place where death and desolation are just so imminent all around us, and in any direction we look or face there is bound to be some form or manifestation of them, either through vengeance, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, sorrow, etc. Dare I say, we live in a world system governed by the law. We live in a world system and mindset that insists in getting what is ‘right’ according to the law to the point where we are adamant and uncompromising in getting things right according to the law, often times pursuing until we satisfy our desires for revenge and chasing until are able to pummel the ‘wrong’ person into submission and smite them with the rod of chastisement. For example, there are so many cases where plaintiffs just will not let go of companies who have scammed them or have caused grievous harm to them and pursue them in court for years, only to have the case ruled in favour of the defendant and them having to bear the cost of legal fees later on.

But do we have a right to be angry when we see such scenarios happening all around us? Do we not desire justice to be served on this earth? Absolutely yes! Indeed, the law is, arguably, one of the fundamental things in today’s society that keeps it running smoothly and orderly.

But how would it be if there was a place of refuge that is a shelter from all of these bloodshed and violence? How would it look like if there was a place of refuge where people who are broken and crushed, smitten and oppressed could come and find safety from all the grief, hurt, sorrows and vengeance inside of them that constantly pursue them day and night?

Are we not supposed to be that place, O Church of the Living God? Are we not supposed to be a place where those who are weak and weary can come and dwell and find grace and forgiveness, and mercy and peace from their relentless tirades of hatred, anger and bitterness? Are we not supposed to be ones where people from all nations can come to find shelter and comfort from the chattering voices in their minds that tell them that they are not good enough, or how they hate their colleague at work, or how things will never change just because they are ‘so bad’?

And I believe that the cities of refuge were given to the Levites for a reason – they were ministers of the Lord, of the priestly order. In the same way, we too are priests ministering in the cities of refuge. We are to display the grace and the goodness of God to people who come into our midst seeking refuge. We are to minister to people who come into our midst in search of love and forgiveness, and to bring them to discover a God who heals and whose purposes are larger than their small-minded revenge mindsets, or their rigid unforgiveness mentalities.

We are to call people out from living in the law, essentially, where constantly pursuing them are vengeance, bitterness, anger, death and despair to the life of the Spirit where there is freedom, love, mercy and forgiveness. We are to create an environment where even foreigners can find grace and draw strength, a space where they can be safe from being hunted by their pasts, a place where they are free to live in the present to be who they are created to be, and a zone where they have the liberty to push on to a future and a destiny that is far greater than any of their selfish goals or self-centred desires to secure their ‘rights’.

Yet, are we living that out each day? How do we see our Sunday gatherings? Are we too busy doing things here and there that we do not pay attention to a person amongst us who is seeking refuge from their past hurts and worries? Are we just too focused on trying to make church ‘work’ that we have neglected to show grace and compassion for the needy ones among us?

The warning from our Lord is very clear. Salt that has lost its saltiness will be thrown away and be trampled upon. A light is not meant to be hidden under the table, but instead is to be allowed to shine as a beacon for all nations. Christ also warns believers in Revelations that if we do not return to ways of love and truth that he would come and remove their lampstand from its place, meaning to exclude them from the share of inheritance that God had for them.

This most definitely should put grave concern into our hearts. If we fail to serve our role as a city where people from all nations can come and find a peaceful dwelling amongst us, and a place where the reign and goodness of God can flow into their lives, but instead build our own kingdoms of power, pleasure and productivity over the city, then we should not be surprised when God comes, demolishes our cities and sweeps us off our lands, just as He did to the Israelites of generations past. It serves as a solemn warning that those who are part of the community of God, the cities of refuge, are to then minister and display the abundance of the grace and mercy of God to those among us who are seeking for them.

In conclusion, we, as the people of God, are cities of refuge established all over this planet, serving as places where people from all nations can find safety and shelter from their pursuing pasts, hurts, fears, anger, bitterness, vengeance, unforgiveness, and spaces where these people can find grace, forgiveness, love, joy, peace and learn what it means to live in the freedom of the Spirit as sons of God, made in His image, to be all that they can be, ruling over Creation in relationship with Him.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

2009-06-12T02:30:00.000+10:00

The ‘Wonderful Wizard of Oz’ by L. Frank Baum is a simple but amazing tale of the adventures of little Dorothy, whose house was blown (along with her and her little dog Toto) by a great cyclone one fine afternoon from her hometown Kansas to the mysterious Land of Oz. To her great surprise and horror, her house landed on the Wicked Witch of the East and killed her, liberating a group of people called the Munchkins. She came to wear the silver shoes belonging to the Wicked Witch and was bestowed a kiss of protection from the Good Witch of the North.

Her journey in the bizarre land began with her search for a way to return in Kansas to be reunited with her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry. Along the way, she was joined by a scarecrow who desired brains, a tin woodsman who would give anything in the world for a heart, and a cowardly lion who yearned for courage.

Dorothy and her friends trod along the yellow brick road to the Emerald City, where they would consult the great and terrible wizard of Oz and implore him to grant each of them their hearts’ desires. The wizard agreed on one condition – that they would slay the Wicked Witch of the West.

As the band headed west in search of the Wicked Witch, she saw them from afar and intercepted them. With her magical cap, she was able to summon a ferocious troupe of flying monkeys, who easily subdued the scarecrow and the woodsman. The lion was captured and caged. Dorothy and Toto, too, were imprisoned, but inside the castle of the Wicked Witch.

The Wicked Witch saw that Dorothy bore the mark of the Good Witch, so the witch was powerless to harm the little girl. Also, unbeknownst to Dorothy, she wielded tremendous power in the silver shoes she was wearing. The witch, knowing she could not hurt Dorothy, decided to deceive Dorothy into thinking that she was helpless against the witch and forced the little girl to serve her in the castle.

One day, the Wicked Witch managed to trip Dorothy while she was on her way to the bathroom, and stole one of Dorothy’s silver shoes that fell off in the process. Furious, Dorothy splashed a bucket of water on the witch and serendipitously killed her (for water was her weakness). The death of the witch liberated the Winkies under her control. The band regrouped and went on their way back to the Emerald City to claim their reward.

Upon being summoned to the throne room of Oz again, however, they unwittingly discovered a secret hidden from the rest of the denizens of the Land of Oz – the wizard was a fake! Oz was actually a mere man, a ventriloquist from Omaha who drifted in a hot air balloon to the Land of Oz. The people of the land heralded him as a great wizard and made him to rule over the entire land. Through his elaborate contraptions and prohibition of his subjects to see him face to face, he managed to maintain the image of the Great Wizard in the eyes of the people.

The party, however, refused to leave without having their wishes granted, and threatened to expose him to the inhabitants of the land. Fearing for his reputation, he agreed to ‘grant’ them their heart’s desires.

As the scarecrow wanted brains, Oz filled his head with bran and needles – ‘brain’ material!

As the tin woodman wanted a heart, Oz opened up his chest and inserted a silk heart.

As the lion wanted courage, Oz gave him a drink containing ‘courage’.

All of them felt satisfied that their desires had been granted, save for Dorothy, who still could not return to Kansas.

Oz conceived of a brilliant idea – a hot air balloon to take Dorothy back to Kansas and himself back to Omaha. The balloon was successfully constructed. Oz announced to his people that he would be leaving the land, and he would leave the rulership to the hands of the now wise scarecrow. However, as he prepared for launch, Dorothy went to fetch Toto, but ended up missing the launch. So, Oz was gone but poor Dorothy was still stuck in the land.

Yet, all was not lost! There was one last resort – the Good Witch of the South. To show their gratitude to Dorothy for helping them getting what they wanted, the scarecrow, woodman and lion once again accompanied Dorothy on her quest.

On the way, the lion slew a giant spider that had been threatening the animals of the jungle, and was made king of the jungle.

When they finally came to her palace, the Witch agreed to help Dorothy. The Witch explained the power of the silver shoes that Dorothy wore – they had the ability to transport the wearer to anywhere in the world!

After much tearful goodbyes, Dorothy tapped on her shoes, exclaimed her destination, and she was instantly whizzed away back home to Kansas (with Toto, of course), never to return again to the Land of Oz, as she lost the silver shoes in the journey home.

As for the rest the trio, the scarecrow returned to the Emerald City and ruled it in wisdom. The woodman ruled over the land of the West, caring for his subjects with his new kind heart. The lion returned to the jungle to take his rightful place as the king of all the animals of the jungle.

Lessons that can be drawn from this story…

The ways of the Wicked Witch of the West were just so similar to the ways of the Devil. He knows that we as the people of God wield greater power and authority than he does. Yet, he chooses to deceive us into believing that he is much stronger than he actually is, and that we are helpless against him. But truth be told, we have all the power and authority that we need to demolish the works of the devil, to crush him under our feet and to set the people free from his evil tyranny!

Wisdom, love and courage most certainly are not get just by stuffing brains into someone’s head, or transplanting a heart into another’s mediastinum (chest) or glugging it down like a shot of whisky. We do not need people to do things for us to make us wise, loving or more courageous. Truth be told, all of us have each of those attributes within us, albeit to varying degrees and levels. The key to ‘acquiring’ them is really through practice and using those gifts that are very much part of our humanity, choosing to step forth in faith with what little that we have that our capacities for each of them may be stretched and expanded each time we use them. The scarecrow didn’t need a new brain to be smart – he just needed to experience more of life (a baby is not born knowing all things, it come by experience). The woodman didn’t need a heart transplant to be more loving – he just needed to practice to love and kindness that is already inside of him. The lion didn’t need a shot of ‘courage’ to make him brave – he just needed to step out despite being scared (afterall, courage is not being brave when you are unafraid, it is being brave despite knowing that you are afraid).

Last but not least, this is one that spoke most powerfully to me. It is that everything is good for something. I enjoyed reading this part a lot, so I shall include the excerpt of the passage from the story:

“The Silver Shoes will carry you over the desert,” replied Glinda (the witch of the South). “If you had known their power you could have gone back to your Aunt Em the very first day you came to this country.” (Bummer!)

“But then I should not have had my wonderful brain!” cried the Scarecrow. “I might have passed m whole life in the farmer’s cornfield.”

“And I should not have had my lovely heart,” said the Tin Woodman. “I might have stood and rusted in the forest till the end of the world.”

“And I should have lived a coward forever,” declared the Lion, “and no beast in all the forest would have had a good word to say to me.”

So, in all things, no matter how bad it may seem there is always good to be found in it. In each moment you invest into someone’s life, there is always something good to come at the end of it, no matter how painful or how much of a ‘waste of time’ it may seem.

These are my reflections from the story of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, a tale of wisdom, love and courage that I truly enjoyed reading and one that I most certainly would like to pass on the my children in generations to come.

Everywhere

2009-06-08T03:04:00.005+10:00

'Cause you're everywhere to me

And when I close my eyes it's you I see

You're everything I know

that makes me believe

I'm not alone

'Cause you're everywhere to me

And when I catch my breath

it's you I breathe

You're everything I know

that makes me believe

I'm not alone

This song by Michelle Branch is one of the songs that I really enjoy listening to, especially this part in the chorus.

I think it's funny how humans enjoy writing songs about love, relationships, romance. Maybe it's just part of our nature to want to love and to want to be loved, to desire relationships, to share life with another being apart from ourselves.

Most people, when allowed to choose what was most dear to them, would almost inevitably choosing a person that they truly care about, another human whom they have journeyed with or crossed paths with.

We know that deep within the core of our beings, within our inmost thoughts and heartfelt desires, we want to love another person and to be loved in return. We place our priorities (hopefully) on relationships, human beings, people (at least that we care about) over our finances, our careers, our successes, etc. When we are placed among people we truly love, we would give up other things to be with them.

And it's funny that no matter how "hopeless" or dreadful things can become, there is always one part of us that wants to believe for something better in the future. There is always one part of our soul that insists that things can't be over, that there must be more to it!

And sometimes, all it takes is just one person to stir up hope and faith and love within us. Sometimes, it just takes one relationship with another human being that we truly care about to bring out the best in us, to push us on to dare to believe, to believe that we are not alone, but there is always someone beside us, cheering us on and walking hand in hand with us to a brighter future that is ahead of us.

How Would The World Look Like?

2009-06-06T23:42:00.003+10:00

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." (Rev 21:3 - 5)

How would the world look like? One no longer filled with pain and sorrow. One with no more crying and mourning.

How would the world look like? One where only goodness and life flow. One where there is unlimited love and forgiveness. One with an overwhelming abundance of grace and mercy.

How would the world look like? One where there is unrestrained faith to dare to dream larger, to push beyond our wildest imaginations, to have the courage to climb to the greatest heights, or to shoot up to the stellar skies, or plunge to the deepest depths?

How would the world look like? One where there is so overflowing joy and thanksgiving. One where there is unending thankfulness and celebration of life, of life!

How would the world look like? One where we are free to be human again. One where we are no longer ashamed or afraid. One where we are no longer fearful of creation. One where we can stare at the sun in all its glory. Or one where we can look at the moon in all its mystery. One where we can wonder at the daffodils in all its intricacies. Or one where we can enjoy each relationship in all its simplicities.

How would the world look like? One where justice shall finally reign. One where truth and righteousness is no longer relative, but is engraved in the hearts of each individual.

How would the world look like? One where man will take up rulership over it again, in the firmness and intimacy with the Creator. One where man will do once more what he was meant to do, to bring purpose and meaning into every part of creation.

How would the world look like? One where God's dwelling is with man? One where there is no longer fear or scarcity. One where there is complete worship and adoration of His being, His goodness, His faithfulness, His holiness and His purposes.

How would the world look like? One where the dreams of our forefathers of old shall come true, the visions of people who have laid down their lives to bring peace and purpose to humanity, the hopes of great men and women who have laid down the foundations for generations to come.

How would the world look like? One where we shall be together with the Lord and with each other for all eternity. One where there shall no longer be funeral processions, or tearful goodbyes.

For the Lord shall wipe away every tear from our eyes. There shall no longer be tears of sorrow or suffering, or the tears of death and despair, but only tears of joy and celebration, tears of happiness and adoration, tears of awe and worship.

And the old order shall pass away. And the Lord shall make all things new again. And He is trustworthy and true.

What would the world look like? One where people dare to believe in this promise. One where people dare to hold hope for a new order, a new kingdom that is right at hand.

Let Her...

2009-06-05T03:17:00.002+10:00

She is not mine, but the Lord's alone.

She belongs to no one, but to the Lord alone.

She is beautiful for she is made in the image of God.

She is lovely for the Spirit is within her.

So let her soar like the eagle and let her spirits fly.

Let her dance with all her heart and raise the banner up high.

Let her see visions and dream dreams.

Let her rise higher and higher, like the bird that is free.

To the skies beyond her wildest imaginations.

Only, let her belong to the Lord and to Him alone.

Let her be beautiful just as she is, in all that she was made to be.

A daughter of the Heavenly Father and princess of the Most High King.

I Like Her...But Do I Love Her?

2009-06-05T01:35:00.001+10:00

I like her. I really, really like her. But can I say I love her?

There is this girl in Uni that I like, very much. Ah, darn it. I’ve said it! We first met as tutorial mates. I thought she was annoying at first, talking so much during tutorials, stealing the conversations and I thought, well, there’s a competition for me! I gradually got to know her better and we began spending time during lunches at Uni, and now it has progressed to this stage.

It has been an interesting journey with her so far. And at this point, I feel that my conceptions and ideas of relationships are being stretched and tested.

I don’t know if it’s a common thing among others, but I feel that as you progress in a friendship (or relationship, for that matter) with someone, you gradually “grow fond” of the person and do not respect them as much as you used to when you first started out. That was my case with her. I started out having a certain kind of “fear” and respect for her and what she had to say. But as our friendship progressed, I could really feel that I had begun treating her as someone less and I did not really care as much about what she had to share any more. Gradually, our conversations became centred on what I have discovered, or what I am going through, or what I am thinking about. It is all about me! But, what about her?

Also, in relationships, there is always tendency to get possessive and self-centred, especially among guys (correct me if I am wrong). I discovered that as our friendship progressed, it became more centred on the fun that I can get while being with her, or the way she made me felt when I am around her. During our conversations, I would talk so much about my dreams, my goals, and my ambitions, but do not quite stop to ask her about hers. Also, at times, I could not help but give a glare of envy (though I try really hard to fight it) when she talked to someone else, especially if it was another guy. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I am saying all this!

Then, the question hit me today: What do I believe for her life?

When it came, I stood still in the bathroom (yes, good insights come in the bathroom!) for a few minutes. I thought to myself: Hmm…good question. What do I believe for her life?

When the question came, I could not answer it. It was then I realised that I have based my friendship with her thus far upon what I can derive from her (the fun moments, the listening ear, etc.) but I have not taken the time to actually think through what I believe for her life.

And today, I have made it a point to ponder through this question.

Through the previous conversations that I have had with her, I discovered that her life was not an easy one. She has gone through much suffering and hardships, and it is amazing that she is here today, so full of joy and the grace of the Lord.

And her story really encourages me. Now that I think about it, there is just so much beauty in her, so much more than meets the eye. She has such a beautiful heart and spirit, and her joy and worship to the Lord is just amazing.

Honestly, I feel ashamed that I have tried to take this beautiful person and turn her into another “object” that I can possess and that which gives me comfort. I feel ashamed that I have not taken the time to appreciate her as a beautiful person, made in the image of God, carrying His grace and His life onto this earth. I feel ashamed for being so focused on me that I have forgotten about her, the very being and person that she is.

And truly, Lord, I repent of my sins. Forgive me for my shortcomings. Thank you Lord for this beautiful heart and spirit that you have placed in my life. Help me see through the outer layers and superficialities into the person that lies beneath – her heart, her dreams, her visions, her spirit, her life!

As of now, I do not believe that I am ready for a life-giving relationship. I still need to step out of my self-centred mindset to peer into the beauty that lies inside of her and to believe in the things that God has placed in her heart.

Would I come to a point where I can believe enough for her life to take the step of faith forward?

I like her, but would I be able to say that I love her…dearly…for the person that she truly is?

Worshippers of the Lord

2009-05-29T22:16:00.002+10:00

I had a wonderful chat with a dear friend yesterday and she said something that has stuck in my head ever since.

"We are not dancers who worship before the Lord, but worshippers who dance before the Lord."

We were talking while walking in the rain with this small, fragile umbrella over us, so I was processing her words while trying to get to the library as soon as possible to avoid being drenched. I showed my agreement with what she said.

It was a few moments later, as I soaked in the words spoken to me (and the rain at the same time) that I realised the full impact and richness of what she communicated within that one sentence. For some reason, those words invoke certain feelings of joy, peace and love each time I recall them. I cannot fully verbalise those feelings, but I shall attempt to capture snapshots and frames of the convictions that have arisen out from this.

Often times, we like to think of ourselves as taking on a particular role. We like being in a position where we are assigned a certain role with a certain label attached to it. For example, we are the “singers”, the “preachers”, the “teachers”, the “dancers”, et cetera. We cling on to these titles and make them our identities. We think things like: “I can sing well, so I must be a singer.” “I know the best dance moves, so I will be the dancer.”

Of course, often times, we do not articulate them so explicitly but rather, these mindsets creep in insidiously when we are least aware of it and these strongholds have taken up stance against the pure worship that our Lord desires. When we operate under this mentality, we first focus our attention on our talents and abilities. We take up our “roles”, back them up with our talents and gifts, and attempt to worship God in our self-defined roles. The dynamic here is this – that the role or position takes centre-stage while worship comes in second. With reference to the original quote, I am first a dancer and one of my tasks is to worship the Lord.

Yet, contrast this to the latter clause, which says: we are worshippers who dance before the Lord. In this mindset, first and foremost, we are called to be worshippers. Forget the roles, positions, duties or tasks. The primary “role” (if you like to call it that) is being a worshipper. And one of our expressions of worship is through dancing.

Every time we come before the Lord, we come in adoration and the awe of the one King of heaven and earth. I looked up the word ‘awe’ and the meaning of the word gives the idea of fear, veneration and wonder. Each time we stand before the Lord, we are in the presence of a being who created all things – every atoms, crystal structure, every muscle, ligaments, joints and tendons in our bodies, every grain of soil, every drop of water and every breath of air that we take in. We stand before a God who is almighty and powerful, who bows before no one but subdues the even the greatest kings and nations. We stand before a God who breathed life into us, and who can just as easily take it from us in the blink of an eye. We stand before a God who we know so little about, yet one who calls us into submission to His plans and agendas. We stand before a God who calls us to life in His Spirit and to His purposes that are good and everlasting.

When confronted by this supreme being of pure goodness and light, there is no place for man-made roles to take centre-stage. The only worship that will be acceptable is one that is done with clean hands and a pure heart, a heart that desires to delight solely in the Lord, a heart that waits and anticipates as a bride awaits her groom, a heart that is ready and willing to be filled with the joy and the peace that transcends all understanding.

And in that place of adoration and awe flows the expressions of worship – the dancing, the singing, the speaking, and so on. When our heartbeats are aligned with that of the Creator and our spirits are attuned to His, and as we allow Him to pour into us, we will be so filled with His joy and His peace that we express the abundance of grace poured into us freely and openly before the Lord.

Each time I recall those words, my heart tingles with joy and throbs with excitement. I am first and foremost a worshipper of the Lord. And I shall dance freely before the Lord, in His peace, love and joy and covers me.

What Do We Believe?

2009-05-28T03:07:00.001+10:00

This week I finally had the courage to step out in faith to talk to random people in the streets to ask them about their perspectives of life. I was quite hesitant at first (and still am) but I discovered that as I stepped out in faith, I discover so much more of the richness of the lives of the people around me that goes beyond theories, conjectures and hypotheses. Instead of being averse towards strangers as I initially painted them to be, I found out that people (in Australia at least) are really open to sharing their thoughts and opinions on life.

I spoke to three different people in the past two days – one a homeless guy, one a retired man and one a year 12 student. What I discovered fascinated me. I asked them a similar question: What do you think is the most important thing for you in life? They all gave the same response: Doing the things you liked doing, exploring your interest, delving into your passion, however you want to word it.

People value their interests, and people value their passions, even more so than they actually value prestige or fame.

Truly, this tells me that people value their individuality and uniqueness. People value the dreams that they have, their gifts and their talents, their hopes and their aspirations. People value the interests and passions that make them uniquely them. And they value these things even more than being part of the tides of fame and glory. In other words, people want to be themselves, exploring the things that give them joy and life, rather than be part of the mechanistic systems of pursuing power and prestige.

One might perhaps argue that my sample bias was skewed towards such people and that if I looked into the larger population, more people might actually love the glitz and the glory rather than pursuing their interests (which might not be as prestigious). In a sense, they may be right. I admit that perhaps I might not have seen enough of the world. It might very well be that if I observe more, I might actually discover many more people who are just cynical about life and people who just want to be part of the cycles of power, prestige and productivity.

Yet, I am not overly concerned about this. Why? Because all that matters is that I have caught a glimpse of people (even if it is a minority population) who believe in talents and uniqueness, who believe in dreams and passions, who believe in a hope and a future.

The world does not like these people and in the eyes of the world, these people are worthless and hopeless.

What does the world say to a homeless person? You are just a burden to society!

What does the world say to a retired man? You are no longer productive to the society and potentially an economic burden to the nation!

What does the world say to a Year 12 student who wants to go into film and music? Your qualifications are not good enough. You will never get anywhere in life!

And this is how the world thinks of them. But how then do we, as the people of God, see them?

Do we join in the condemnatory chorus of the world in categorising them into the “worthless” group? Or do we dare to believe in the dreams, the passions, the visions, the hopes, the faith, the aspirations that these people have, these things that have been placed into the hearts of these uniquely made individuals by our Heavenly Father? Do we dare to believe that these people can impact humanity in ways that are beyond our imagination? Do we dare to believe in the things that God is doing through their lives, to move and to mobilise these people to shake the clockwork system and to usher in the breath of life, “chaos”, creativity and newness into this world?

The world believes there is no hope for them. What do we believe?

To Believe

2009-05-26T01:21:00.001+10:00

To believe in the things that God is doing amongst the people all around us. Today I am baffled once again by the God’s amazing work amongst us today.

We can rant on and on about how “ungodly” hippies are. We can tell pub-crawlers how “evil” or “sinful” their actions are. We can brush off a socialite’s work as being “satanic” or self-motivated. We can easily criticise and cast aspersions upon the character and nature of people who do not fit into our category of “do-gooders” or “nice and decent”.

However, rather than cynically categorising people who don’t quite fit into our image of people who do good and great things, it indeed takes a lot more faith to actually dare to grasp hold of the goodness that is in the hearts of these people and to connect with them through the spirit that resonates deep within each and every individual. And those who are able to do so are indeed greater than those who merely go around labelling and disparaging the works of others.

Today, I am reminded yet again of how easy it is to fall into the mindset of categorising people according to our preconceived notions of goodness. This happened after my final lecture for the day. One of my coursemates came up and played a video advertisement, primarily telling people about her having her head shaved and requesting that people donate in support of her. The video was quite entertaining, I must admit, and I thought it was pretty well choreographed.

At first, I thought to myself: Ah, what a waste of time! She’s just trying to get the attention to herself. Why do you need to come up with such an elaborate video for such a simple act?

Then, it suddenly dawned upon me that she was doing all of this to raise donations for cancer patients. It suddenly hit me that the step that she was taking was no small step at all. At least, I think that no one would just shave their heads and making a big deal out of it just for fun! I could start to appreciate the largeness and goodness of her heart to actually want to do something to help these groups of people who are suffering.

As I shared this with a friend, it struck me that, “Oh my gosh, God is just doing something amazing in this girl’s life, through this step of faith that she is taking.” And it truly reminded me once again that appearances definitely can be deceiving and that underneath the veil of her party life and the cover of her seemingly carefree attitude is a heart that desires to bring goodness and grace to people (Honestly, she was one of the people whom I least expect to be motivated to do such things for people, yet once again, I am proven wrong!).

I was left walking back home from university awestruck. In the back of my head for the whole time was the thought: Oh my gosh, Lord! You are truly awesome and you have amazed me yet again. I can’t think of any other words to say to you now but just…Wow…

Today was a good day indeed. I am reminded that deep within each individual lie seeds of goodness. In the core of each person is the innermost desire to see life and grace overflow. These things are most definitely not worked out by logic or reasoning, nor is it perceived by the physical senses. Rather, it is sensed by the spirit within us that resonates with the frequency of the Spirit of God that is at work in all of creation, in all individuals, bringing life and goodness through the most unlikely of people in the most unlikely of circumstances.

So the question that we should be asking is: Do we sense the Creator and his goodness at work all around us, through different people in various circumstances? And do we then grasp hold of that nudge or tingling of excitement that propels and moves us to believe in and be part of the amazing things that He is doing in our midst in individuals all around us?

Kingdom Culture

2009-05-22T02:30:00.001+10:00

I love my country, Malaysia. Regardless of how self-centred or power-hungry the politicians running the country can be, or how foolish and messed-up the government is, I still love my country deeply. For that was where I was conceived and that was where the Lord birthed and called me. Though it is lacking in so many things, I love the diversity, I love the people, I love the cultures, I love the beauty, I love the history, I love the memorials, I love the symbols, and I love the work of God there.

Yet, what has happened to my beloved country? Why has she been overrun by so many rogue parties tearing her apart? Why are her leaders so fired up when talking about peace and equality, yet so lackadaisical or negligent when it comes to implementation? How can it be that the nation that was founded upon mutual trust, respect and understanding has degenerated into its current pitiful state? Why do so many of its people still choose to live in their illusory world of bliss and ignorance while the stability of the social fabric is being ripped apart more and more every single day?

These are some of the questions that I truly do not have answer for. Yet, I want to serve the country that I love. I want to dare to believe that change is possible. I want to dare to believe that God can do the impossible, even in the midst of the media farrago, political tumult and social dissent. I want to dare to believe that the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ can cover the whole land of Malaysia and that the Kingdom of God will advance slowly, but surely to invade the entire territory of the Peninsula and the East.

Yet, would I have enough faith to stand up to the challenge and believe that the promises of God are good and true? Would I have enough life and grace to live out the Kingdom proclamation back home in Malaysia? Would I have the strength to stand if I bade farewell to Melbourne and established myself back in my home country? Is my training here preparing me for the battle that is ahead?

Our training now should be focused on grounding ourselves in the Kingdom culture that is universal and reproducible. But what is the Kingdom culture? In part, the culture of a kingdom is shaped by its laws, and vice versa. Similarly, the culture of the Kingdom is shaped by its laws. And as citizens of the Kingdom, we subject ourselves to the law of the Kingdom.

Paul tells us that there is only one law that we are subject to now and that is the law of the Spirit. Hence, to obey the law of the Kingdom is to live in the Spirit of the King who gives life to us. The law of the Spirit compels us to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love one another as we love ourselves. The law of the Spirit calls us to engage in faith in the understanding of the hope of resurrection and restoration, and in the evidence of things that are not seen. In essence, the live in the law of the Spirit is to choose Life*.

The trouble with me now is that I am good at knowing the law, but am faced with difficulty in practising it. I can readily articulate the phrase “Love your neighbour as yourself”, but when it comes to actually doing it, I often become cynical after minimal exertion. In theory, I know that I should “resist the devil and he shall flee”, but when it comes to delivering a punch to the enemy, I often miss and end up punching air.

Perhaps this is where the training needs to happen, training not only in knowing what to do, but also in actually doing it. What I need is a training that will prepare me to live in the law of the Spirit anywhere in the world as a citizen of a Kingdom that will soon invade every corner of the globe. What I need is training that will shape my culture and my lifestyle – in the way I engage with people, in the way I perceive the world, in the way I invest into relationships – into those that reflect my standing as an influential representative of a Kingdom culture that will soon overtake the entire world.

And sure enough, this training needs to begin now – in every relationship, every opportunity, every sphere of my life. And this training shall equip me indeed to stand as a representative of His Majesty’s law and culture anywhere I am, including Malaysia, a country that I love and one that will soon come under the rule of the God of Heaven and Earth.

And I would not have it any other way...

It All Comes Down To Life!

2009-05-20T21:45:00.002+10:00

In the end, mercy triumphs over judgement!

In the end, it all comes down to life!

Life-giving and death-bringing

Two distinctions that I have so forgotten

Forgive me Lord once more

For ever forgetting the most important thing you have taught me

To give life or to bring death

The clearest and simplest truth there is

To show mercy or to pass judgement

A simple choice yet an arduous step

For now I see once more

The liberty of your grace and your mercy

The abundance of life and life everlasting

The celebration of your works and deeds amongst us

The beauty of your purposes and promises everywhere in creation

Heavenly Father, Lord Almighty

Gracious God, Merciful Master

Praises and glory be to your name forever

Brother Jesus, Worthy Lamb of God

First born of the dead, Prince of peace

Let your life and your ways be known to all men

Holy Spirit, Divine Fire

Pillar of cloud, breath of life

Move amongst us, lead us we pray

That your Kingdom come and your will be done

Let heaven and earth be one

And the transcendent merge with the imminent

Lead your army to battle now O Lord

Let revival and reformation sweep

Lead your soldiers to war, Sovereign Lord

And usher in your presence and your light

Shake the heavens and the earth once more

That all that can be shaken will be shaken

And all that cannot be shaken will remain

And take us then, your people

To be a signet ring bearing your name

Plant us firmly in the land you have promised

Establish us in the covenant of our ancestors

Let us have rest from every side

Allow the rivers of life to flow once more

Bringing grace and healing to all nations

And open up the floodgates of heaven once again

And pour out your blessings upon your people

Your people who humbly and fearfully seek you

Who repent of their sins and turn from their wicked ways

And seek your face and pray in your holy name

I speak power and authority

I speak praise and honour

I speak blessing and grace

I speak abundance and life

Into this earth you love so dearly

Into the image bearers you care so much for

Let there be life and life everlasting

For salvation and glory

And honour and power

And kingdom and authority

Belong to you forever and ever

Amen

Worship

2009-05-18T00:13:00.002+10:00

Often times, we have mixed opinions as to what constitutes worship.

Is it the good music? Is it the talented band of musicians? Is it to glittering lights and the propped-up stages?

Nah...of course not...surely these things are not worship that is pleasing to God. We all know that. Truth be told, we know much about what worship is not, but do we know what it is then?

I have to admit that I do not have the whole picture of what is worship, but I shall attempt to have a go at some thoughts about what worship means to me.

Worship flows from a heart full of adoration and awe.

Worship stems from an attitude of reverence and humility.

Worship comes from clean hands and a pure heart.

Worship springs from a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

Worship involves laying down our ambitions and goals in surrender to a higher purpose and calling that far exceeds our limited knowledge.

Worship is leaning in and listening to the voice of the Spirit as He leads.

(For that matter, it is not about how the musicians are able to lead the crowd into the next song, but it is more a matter of how they are able to open up spaces to be still and listen to the leading of the Spirit.

Also, worship is not about the loud and charismatic music that gets you pumped up because I believe that it usually drowns out the voice of the Spirit rather than creating space for it.)

Worship is spiritual warfare! It involves battling and tearing down forces (sometimes very subtle ones) that try to detract from the adoration of the one true God or forces (sometimes seemingly very encouraging voices) that attempt to drive the congregation instead of allowing it to be led by the Spirit.

All in all, worship comes back down to the place of intimacy and relationship with the Father who is in heaven, Creator and Maker of all, the awesome and almighty God of all.

Worship is so much richer than what is has become. Worship is so much more intimate, relational and awesome than the superficial personifications that it has been made to portray.

Dear Lord, forgive us then of our weaknesses and of our idols. Cleanse our hands and purify our hearts. Lead us once more to the place of adoration and awe. Lead us again to the place of intimacy and relationship with you. Amen.

What if...?

2009-05-13T02:01:00.003+10:00

What if all that we believed in faded away before our very eyes?

What if all that we fought and stood for crumbled and disintegrated to ashes and dust?

What if all that we hoped for and placed our trust in turned out to be nothing more than lifelong delusions or misshapen illusions?

What if all that we loved and cared for died and withered away in our desperate embrace?

What if all that we have held on to so firmly and securely are ripped away and torn from us?

What if all that we have dared to step out into in faith and clarity became a sudden blur and darkness?

What if all that we have immersed ourselves into turned out to be murky, turbid seas of enigma and death?

What if all that we have cherished, all the promises made, all the life lived, all the time invested, all the relationships formed, all the dreams dreamed, all the visions pursued, all the futures anticipated, all the goodness experienced, all the joy poured out, all the fellowship shared, all the sacrifices laid down, all the faith believed in, and all the hope grasped turned out to be nothing more than nothingness in the end?

Praise Him

2009-04-24T15:24:00.002+10:00

And the sun every morning cannot wait to shine
And the stars every evening are all standing by to light the sky
Give the rocks and the stones voices of their own
If we forget to sing praises to our King

Praise God for He is infinitely good.
Praise Him for His blessings and love.
Praise Him for His beautiful world and wonderful creation.
Praise Him for His spleandour and majesty.

Praise God who is high above all things.
Praise Him who is seated in the highest heavens.
Praise Him who is strong and mighty.
Praise Him who is glorious and triumphant.

Praise God for He is faithful and true.
Praise Him for His everlasting covenant.
Praise Him for His holiness and oneness.
Praise Him for His ways and promises.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise Him from whom all life is birthed.
Praise Him for life, and life more abundantly.
Praise Him for life, and life everlasting.

Amen.

Anthropos in Machina

2009-04-20T22:44:00.002+10:00

We are humans placed in the midst a machine that is spinning round and round. We are living beings caught up in non-living systems of society, economics, politics, etc. We are flesh and blood standing in the strongholds of mechanics and mechanisms that turn like clockwork.

The call and challenge for us is simple, but not easy. Are we capable of remaining human while faced with all the inhuman systems all around us? Are we able to stand as image bearers of the Creator who made us when confronted with other idols and images that are shaping us in their likeness?

I do believe that the influences of the systems around us are definitely very strong. I relate especially to the systems of education in university. While I am in the system, I am inevitably dealt a huge amount of pressure and workload and stress that at many times bring the worst out of me. When placed in the system, I often run along with the rest of the people on a treadmill that goes round and round - trying to finish work, trying to cram in for the exams, etc. And sometimes, I perhaps even use the 'high workload' as an excuse to ignore the people around me or to treat them indifferently and ungraciously.

Then the question came to my mind: Why doesn't this world care about me?

And perhaps use that as an excuse to wait for other people to act first, before I show grace to them.

Yet, when you look at another way, if everyone else was asking the same question, then inevitably, grace would never come! Indeed, it requires a few people who are willing to forgive and to start extending grace to the people around them, regardless of the benefits they might derive from it (In fact, I can say confidently that you would probably not get much appreciations for your efforts).

And truly, this is a very difficult thing to do!

I didn't have to look far to find ways to show grace to others. In fact, the more I ponder about it, it is in the smallest spaces or the most common daily routines where we display grace and love for others around us. I discovered this as I cooked for my housemates today, even though I was tired and still had a lot of work left to be done.

I asked myself: What was motivating me to do it?

Was it because I can get something in return? Well, my efforts would most probably not be appreciated.

Was it because I can make good use of my time? Well, I'd say that I have many better uses for my time then cooking dinner for someone else.

Was it because of my nature that I love others and want to care for them? Well, the more I look at myself, the more selfish I know I am.

The answer then dawned upon me: the Spirit! Truly, it was the inspiration that came from the Spirit that enabled me to show grace to others despite my selfish nature, and despite being placed in the middle of a system that is unrelenting and unforgiving. It was the Spirit that prompted and motivated every act of kindness and grace that I showed to others.

We might tend to think that the Spirit only leads us in BIG things and BIG visions. But that is most certainly NOT true. The Spirit leads and guides and nudges and prompts us in every single choice, big or small, grand or simple, far-reaching or local, that we make each day of our lives, be it in policy-making, be it in teaching others, be it even in small things like cooking for others.

Truly, it is only by the Spirit that we are able to stand in the messiness of the world around us and in the midst of the tyranny of the systems and structures that try to make us into automatons, as true human beings - in other words anthropos in machina, humans in the machine.

Why?

2009-04-18T21:18:00.002+10:00

Why do I believe in Christianity? Why do I trust in the God of the Bible, this entity, being, or whoever He is who I know so little about? Why do I hold on to the promises that He gives to me and to humanity, promises that are not only audacious, but outright irrational?

To those who demand logical, scientific answers to these questions, to be honest, I haven't a clue as to why I dare to believe in this God who is beyond logic and rationale, whose ways transcend the "natural" or scientific order of things. To be truthful, I've gotta admit that my trust in this God has not been founded upon scientific evidences or sophisticated proofs that many so-called learned people like to find. My faith in the promises of the Bible has not been based on its logical arguments, or its reasonable tenets, or even its good, moral principles because far from being a practical, commonsensical rule book, the Bible really pushes forth a daring, almost insane hope in a God who can raise the dead, and with that, a sacrificial, almost reckless kind of life that requires us to join in the sufferings of Christ that we may share in His glory.

This is not to say, of course, that there are no scientific evidences whatsoever to support the claims of the Bible - that at the beginning of His creation project, God made the heavens and the earth, and that more than 2,000 years ago, a man called Jesus walked on this earth, died on the cross because of our sins and then rose again from the dead. There is definitely ample of evidence supporting and undergirding the authenticity of the Bible, as well as the arguments and proofs leading persuasively to the existence of the Creator and His Will for this earth.

Some of these evidences that I can think of from the top of my mind include:

The early writing of the Biblical manuscripts - The New Testament was written within a few decades after Jesus' life, with the earliest letter from Paul dating to 55 AD and the last book, the book of Revelations, dating to 90 AD. All these writings all date back to within one to two generations after Jesus' life, when there was still strong eye witness accounts and testimonies from first generational believers who saw Jesus' with their own eyes.
The number of Biblical manuscripts and their coherence to one another - Up to date there are thousands of Biblical manuscripts discovered in many different places throughout the world and there is a general coherence among them in terms of their core doctrine. More than 90% of the variations among these manuscripts are mostly spelling variations that do not affect their core message in any way. The presence of many manuscripts that are coherent with each other, coupled with the early writing of the manuscripts, suggest that the Bible is less likely to have been the product of myth makers or fanciful story tellers. Today, we believe in the historicity of events in the empire of Rome, for example, based upon a few writings of historians that date several generations after the events have occurred. Now, we have a historical record that was written within 2 generations after the said event with thousands of copies of it found in many places throughout the world. So what does this say then about the Bible?
There are records of non-believers around about the same period of time depicting and detailing about the life of Jesus and the founding of the early church - There are writings from historians who themselves are non-Christians living at around the same time as Jesus and the first believers talking about the life of a prophet or teacher among the Jews who was rejected and despised, and of an early movement of believers founded upon the belief in a man raised from the dead.
There are shameful events in the Bible - Historians place more weight and give more credibility to accounts that include shameful records and details in them because it shows that the authors are more likely to be telling the truth and not making up their own stories, for who trying to concoct a grand fairy tale to gather believers would talk about shameful acts that would only discredit them, unless if it were true? In the Bible, we see numerous such shameful events, such as the apostles deserting Christ, the apostle Peter denying Christ, Christ tortured, beaten and crucified, all of which are not exactly top class material for a nice, neat, hero's story.

The scientific world is replete with such evidence all pointing in the direction of the authenticity of the Bible and the presence of a good Creator who raised Jesus from the dead. I have merely touched the tip of the iceberg and presented the appetisers, yet I shall not attempt to expound on and explicate each and every single evidence and argument for the Creator, the Bible and His promises because it is not my intention in this entry.

Scientific evidence and philosophical arguments are only able to get you to a certain point. Beyond that point is chasm and to get to the other side requires you to take the step of faith. The evidence will get you to the point of realising the possibility of the existence of a Creator and the truthfulness of His promises as revealed through His Word in the Bible. Yet, as to any form of evidence, no matter how persuasive it is, it is disputable and indeed, many people have found more and more profound arguments and challenges to the evidences presented, regardless of how good or compelling they are. Therefore, I believe that the evidence should either propel us to the knowledge of the Creator, or undergird and lend support to our faith in the promises of the Creator, but they should never be the sole reason or core foundation stone of our faith.

To be sure, however, we are not called into blind faith. Yet, at the same time, faith does not mean knowing everything or having all the evidence to the point where we can incontrovertibly say to the atheist: "See, I'm right. You're wrong!" because possessing the knowledge of everything and having the whole details of the plan no longer makes faith, faith. Faith, as the apostle Paul tells us, is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. The first part tells us that faith requires a sub-stance (or under-standing) of the things that we hope for. It means that we have caught glimpses of and experienced partly the promises of God for us, and we invest into the promise knowing that it is good and purposeful. The second part tells us that faith is being sure of things not seen. It means that for the remainder of the things that we have no physical evidence of, there is the certainty that comes from the understanding the promises of God to know that they are trustworthy and true.

So then, if faith is not about trying to get more evidence to prove that I am absolutely right, then what is my faith about? What the reasons behind my faith?

I believe that my faith comes in the fact that His promises for humanity is good and meaningful. I believe in the goodness of the Creator revealed in the Bible, calling humanity to a life of love, peace and meaning. We know and believe deep down to be true that the way to bring restoration and healing on to this earth is by people who are willing to lay down their lives in love and sacrifice, who are willing to give their lives calling people into purpose and identity, an identity not defined by other people's judgements or comparisons, but one that is unique and personal to each and every individual. I believe in the ways of Jesus as told in the gospels to be the true way of living that brings grace, salvation and meaning to all of humanity.

Just in case it comes to the question of the Bible being a good set of moral teachings telling us how to be good and nice people, it hammers out the promise of the resurrection. As insane as it sounds, resurrection makes so much sense to me. If one has invested his life into building something, yet did not live to see it come to fruition, the most intuitive thing to do would obviously to wake him up from the dead so that he can enjoy the fruits of his labour. If one is called to lay down his life to bring goodness and salvation to the people, then the most "logical" reason for that is because he will be raised from the dead again.

This may sound illogical and completely nonsensical, but I believe in a faith that comes from the glimpses of goodness in the promises of God for this earth and for humanity, and a faith that comes from the power and authority of laying down one's life to bring grace and healing and of taking it up again in resurrection.

Illogical? Yes. Purposeless? Absolutely not!

To Lead Out

2009-04-14T00:11:00.002+10:00

We live amidst an era dominated by rat races and corporate clashes. We are inhabitants of an earth that is governed by social strata and peak productivity. Our current generation's mentality is a product of inherited mindsets and traditions passed down from former generations, and is compounded by the systems and structures of the world around us. A lot of these mindsets often perpetuate existing systems that keep spinning mechanically on and on, passing on to subsequent generations, until perhaps they reach critical points where the systems collapse and are displaced or replaced by revolutionary ideas or innovations of previously held ones.

One of the systems that we have inherited from past generations is our current education system. Our modern day education system, in most Asian contexts at least, is characterised predominantly by an endpoint of getting the grades, amassing as many 'A's as you possibly can and filling up your resume with longer lists of achievements compared to your peers.

Not surprisingly, the system remains to today because it is set against a background of the need for an upward social mobility and the need for greater qualifications to compete against a multitude of other seekers for a shot at a better paying, highly-esteemed, white-collar profession that would not only ensure financial security but also allow one to upgrade one's lifestyle to a more comfortable one.

At the face of it, the system does not appear to be harmful in any way. Rather, it may even be seen as the saviour of the poor because it provides people with fair opportunities to strive and improve their standards of living. It is good in this sense because it provides individuals with a means by which they can earn better lives and enjoy the things their parents or grandparents were not able to in their poverty and hardship.

Yet, the more we peer and scrutinise, the more we challenge and examine the system, we discover the inherent meaninglessness that is characteristic of it.

Firstly, this kind of education system is founded upon the mindset that the ultimate goal in life is to get a better paying job so that you can get a better life. While it is not wrong to desire a more comfortable and affluent life, to set that as the centre of all life's struggles seems to be reducing the meaning and purpose of life to mere competition and survival games, to outdo one another to reach the top of the pack. While that may be good momentarily because it promotes healthy competition which encourages growth, chronic exposure to the system would only foster rivalry, jealousy and pride, which serve to enhance and accentuate the prevailing tensions in relationships between human beings. Hence, instead of forming a generation who can stand in unity to move forward towards a common purpose, it creates instead a divided, individualistic race of humanity who care only for their own ambitions, desires and survival.

Secondly, the system kills and stifles any form of creative expression of individual personalities and talents. The standard of measure of success imposed by the system is such that individuals who garner the most number of 'A's are deemed successful while those who are not able to perform are labelled as failures. Hence, the only measure of success, it would seem, is the ability to ace the exams, often times by gross memorisation and regurgitation. Any other forms of talents and creative personal expressions, such as arts, music, politics, drama, dance, etc. are seen as a waste of time and useless in the pursuit of better income in the future. Hence, these innate individual talents are suppressed and inhibited, and without the proper platform on which these abilities can be nurtured and developed, they often wither and waste away. As an end result, the individual becomes just another 'clone' or 'factory product' amongst many others that keep the system turning like clockwork.

For me personally, this second consequence of the system strikes close to my heart, and is the source of much of my anger and frustration with the system. I believe I do have many more talents besides studying that could possibly have been better developed and nurtured had I not been part of the system, gifts in music, arts, politics, public speaking, debating and drama. I believe that had I not been boxed into the 'top A scorer' category in the system, I could very well have explored and experimented with my gifts and cultivate the many talents that I have. It is for this reason that I hate the system as it is, and truly I cannot wait for the day when it would finally crumble to dust.

Ultimately, the education system that we are so entrenched in may appear to be bringing good to humanity in the short run, but only results in wasted talents and a whole bunch of individuals who are mere copies of an artificial and arbitrary image of success in the long term. It is meaningless and serves only to breed and manufacture selfish, cynical and petty individuals who are not able to hold any vision for humanity, other than those that promote their ambitions, self-interests and self-preservation.

So what does it mean then to provide education for the next generation?

The word educate relates to the word educe, meaning 'to lead out'. To educate, I believe, is to lead people out from darkness and ignorance into light and wisdom. It is to guide people, to lead them to grasp and follow a calling that is much larger and greater than themselves and to lead them to respond to that calling to step out and embrace visions for a purposeful life and a meaningful humanity.

To educate is not to impose standards or images of success on people, but to allow the gifts and talents that are budding within them to grow and flourish such that the uniqueness and distinctiveness of each individual being can be captured and released. It is not to create clones and machines doing the same things to keep the system churning, but to raise up distinctive individuals who can carry visions for families, communities and cities, and express and outwork them in their personal and unique ways.

To educate is to lead people to the full knowledge of the Creator and His agenda for this earth and for humanity. To educate is to lead people out of the slavery to the system of small-mindedness, self-preservation and selfish ambitions to the knowledge of the One who desires to bring His goodness and life into every part of His creation and who desires to outwork His plans of redemption and restoration into every sphere of humanity. And in that place of adoration of the Creator and His will, then, to be empowered to pursue bigger dreams and visions to bring life and fruitfulness onto this earth, to step out in faith to call forth purpose and meaning into every part of humanity, and to do so in the unique and distinctive qualities and personalities of each individual human being.

Ultimately, to educate is to "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and taking every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" (2 Cor 10:5).

And truly, there needs to be a new and living way to educate the next generation, to lead them out of the blindness and slavery of the current system, and into the light and life of liberty, freedom and love.

Friends on a Journey

2009-04-12T22:08:00.002+10:00

I believe that we are made in the image of God, made with fear and favour, made in delight and destiny, made to love and to live, made for goodness and grace.

I believe that we are predestined to carry His purposes and promises into every part of His creation, into the highest heavens and the deepest depths, into every seed-bearing plant and every creature that has breath, into the radiance of day and the dimness of night, into every season under heaven and into every biorhythm and biosphere upon the earth.

I believe that we are called to carry His light and redemption into every part of humanity, into thought, word and deed, calling the nations back to the awe and adoration of one true God who is infinitely good and gracious, drawing the people back to the wonder and worship of the faithful God whose purposes for humanity are trustworthy and true, and whose promises of healing and restoration endure forever.

I believe that we are baptised into the life of the Spirit, walking in the life and peace that comes from the Spirit, standing as a conduit for grace, power and healing to flow to all nations, crucifying and burying the flesh of sinfulness and death, and living the kind of life that is the full embodiment of the proclamation of a new Kingdom that is steadily and triumphantly advancing into every corner of this planet.

I believe that all our faith hinges and pivots on the resurrection, the foundation and cornerstone of all Christianity, the culmination of the covenantal promises of God through generation after generation, the promise that if were true sets us free from the slavery to sin and the tyranny of death, the seal of the victory of life over death, the power of which liberates and releases us to grow and mature to the full stature of the measure of Christ, to hear and be led by the voice of the Spirit who brings life to our mortal bodies and who is making all things new again, to lay down our lives for the cause of the cross only to take it up again, and to invest into building, planting and founding generations who will seek the face of the Lord and carry His image in their lives, relationships, communities and home.

I believe dearly in the certainties and clarity that the Lord has given me.

I believe deeply in His ways and plans that are life-giving and good.

I believe truly in His purposes and promises that are unfailing and true.

Yet, when I see reality around me, I cannot help but wonder if hope is possible in the face of the giant monsters and machineries that are running amok on this earth. I cannot help but question the possibility of the task of redeeming all mankind from their bondage to their strongholds, idols and demons already so deeply rooted and colonising their heart, soul and mind. I cannot help but doubt in the power and leadership of the Creator in advancing His Kingdom and rulership into every part of Creation.

In the face of all the evil I see on this planet, I cannot help but wonder if ultimately, the forces of life and goodness will purge and cleanse this world of all sickness, disease and death. In the place of fear, uncertainty, doubt and despair, I cannot help but long for the promises of God for healing, redemption, restoration, renewal to be fulfilled and consummated.

And it is in this realm of mystery that we journey each day, this realm where there is the good promises of a loving God on one hand, and the evil, present and frightening reality on the other hand. Would I have enough faith to traverse this delicate line of tension between certainty and reality? Would I have strength enough to hold on firmly and dearly to the truthfulness and trustworthiness of the word and oath that have been declared and dictated by the One who made all things, who holds all things together and who works all things for good?

As I tread with fear and trembling in this realm of mystery and reality, I am thankful for the many wonderful relationships that I have been privileged to be part of. I am thankful for the opportunity to share the journey of faith with the many great people that I have met along the way, people who desire to see more of the Kingdom of God on this earth, people who have gone through the depths of emptiness and despair, people who have been redeemed and sanctified by the blood of the Lamb, people who are learning to embrace a new way of life of hope and peace.

I am thankful for people, who like me, have their weaknesses and failures. I am thankful for people, who like me, have their struggles and battles, who have times when they stumble and fall, or get stuck in the mud.

I am thankful for people who in the midst of their shortcomings and sins, can hold hope for the promises of God that is true, people who in the midst of unexplained and unrestrained storms are learning to trust in a God that is indescribable and untamable, people who in the fires of testing and tribulation dare to see beyond the flames of hell to catch glimpses of heaven on earth.

I am thankful for people who are not there to merely solve all my problems for me or to just offer me some handouts or pity, but people with whom I can hold hope with, people with whom I can celebrate and mourn, people with whom I can share joy and tears, people with whom I can break bread and share wine.

I am thankful for friends who I can embrace and love, friends who I can push and propel, friends who I can cheer and encourage, friends who I can comfort and reassure, friends who I can strengthen and affirm, friends who I can speak and bring life into.

I am thankful for friends who walk and run with me, for the times we share stuck in the mud together, for the times we share pulling each other of a ditch or pushing one another up a mountaintop, for the times we share holding ground or breaking strongholds together, for the times we share fending off the enemy or marching on in victory.

Ultimately, I am thankful for friends who are on the journey together, holding hope for life, fruitfulness and restoration in the midst of the chaos, confusion and death.

So, thank you to all of you who have journeyed with me thus far. I am looking forward to the things that God will continue to outwork in our lives as we lean in to the promises of God and press on to the goal of the full stature of the measure of Christ.

And let it be so. Amen.

Changing the World

2009-03-24T22:19:00.000+11:00

I want to change the world. I want to make a difference. I want to challenge the impossible.

I want to dream big. I want to go on journeys that I have yet to imagine. I want to stretch my wings and explore the world beyond.

I have so many dreams and visions, so many motives and agendas, so many glimpses of clarity and insight. Yet what shall I do, for I am but a child clinging desperately to its mother’s arms?

I desire to venture out and explore, to expose hidden realities and to grasp fleeting clarities, to go on great adventures as in the distant yet vivid tales of olden day men of great renown.

Yet, in this big, messy world, I am but a child finding its way, trotting down the streets of public paces, peering down the alleyways of private faces. One in search of meaning and direction, one discovering fables and fantasies, one learning his place and purpose in the short span of time he has on this land called earth.

A drizzle down the streets of this city called Melbourne. A little child stares at the vast gloomy skies. Wondering when the time would come when he would finally grow up. Wondering when he can finally take his place in this world as one fully matured, ready to bring his childish dreams and fantasies into full reality. Wondering when, at last, he can live out the adventures of his childhood heroes to make a change, and to make a difference in this great, big world.

Our Hope of the Resurrection

2009-01-24T01:00:00.000+11:00

Bombs rain down heavily upon the Gaza strip upon the countless thousands of its unsuspecting inhabitants. Artillery shells and tank projectiles pummel several dozen targets designated by the Israeli government as Hamas hideouts or rocket launch sites. Armoured vehicles roll across the streets, crushing and demolishing civilian infrastructure in their wake while infantrymen, armed to their teeth, let loose a crippling barrage of deadly ammunition, taking the lives of anyone unfortunate enough to get in their way. Bodies lay strewn on the streets, some in pools of blood, some in mangled pieces. An entire city reduced to rubble within days, critical infrastructure demolished and the lifeline of Palestinians severed. Not even those seeking refuge in facilities bearing the United Nations flag are spared, as these too become the targets of the Israeli blitzkrieg.

On the Israeli border, countless people awake each day to the sound of rockets. They wait in hushed anticipation each time they hear a whistling that grew louder and louder with each passing moment, wondering where the incoming projectile would strike next. Though their losses are few, far fewer than the casualties of the opposing side, they were significant – significant enough to bring about fear and inflict a paralysing blow to their psyche. They wonder, like the people on the opposite of the border, when would be the day when their very lives would be snatched away from under their breaths.

Elsewhere, all around the world, alarm bells go off. From great nations to small, all call for the cessation of the armed conflict, for a peaceful resolution to the situation, for bilateral talks aimed towards coexistence and cooperation. All but one – the mightiest nation of them all, the conglomerate of 50 states called the United States of America. The mighty eagle supports Israel in its crusade against the Palestinians, an agenda perhaps to undermine the Hamas government. With one simple word, the eagle nullifies a Security Council resolution calling for action against Israel. It is only with increasing international pressure that it finally relents to allow a resolution calling for the ceasefire in Gaza to pass. Even so, it was only through its abstention from voting.

So now comes the question. Would there ever be lasting peace in the troubled region of Gaza, and elsewhere in the world for that matter? Can there ever be a solution or an answer to all the conflict, the bloodshed and the turmoil that have engulfed and suffused the region for decades now? Can there ever be a lasting respect and understanding between the two mutual enemies to not only avert yet another humanitarian crisis, but also to inject a sense of reciprocity, of caring and sharing between both nations?

The simplest answer to this hapless mess can be encapsulated within one word – LOVE. Almost any human being who has ever walked on this earth would say without or with minimal hesitation that mutual respect and understanding, in other words love, needs to be present in both parties for the conflicts to be resolved. This would inevitably mean that either one or both parties must lay down some of their self interests in the process of achieving lasting peace because one cannot love another when all he can think of is himself.

Thus, almost everyone regardless of faith or non-faith attests to the need for love. In this sense, all of us share a commonality. However, as we readily see all around us, the act of giving can actually be a gigantic task and the choice to lay down our interests for another party can prove to be an almost impossible step given our propensity towards self-preservation and “need” to claim our “rights”. In other words, all of us find it difficult to give to another person in love because it goes against our very nature of self-preservation. Of course, giving to a friend can be easy because we like the person. But how about giving to an enemy? (Evidently, we would rather give them a punch or two in the face) We insist in having things our way, laying claims readily to what we believe is rightfully ours, instead of consciously choosing to “lose” so that others can “win”.

So now comes the dilemma then. If our human nature insists on having its own way, which is clearly quite devoid of love, then how can there ever be lasting peace and unity among all mankind? Take the scenario I have presented earlier. Israel refuses a sovereign statehood for the Palestinian people, while Palestine can hardly accept the notion of allowing Israel erect a whole empire on the piece of land that was rightfully theirs. If both sides will not let go of their interests and claims, then clearly, no amount of negotiations, no number of treaties, memorandums and pacts will have substantial impact towards peace and unity.

But of course, we cannot blame either party for their decisions. After all, they are only trying to protect the interests of their people. In this world where survival of the fittest is the golden rule of the game, one can hardly point a finger towards any one single group for all that is happening around us.

Yet, what if it were never meant to be that way? What if there was another way, a new kind of hope that would push us towards love? What if there was such a hope that, if were real, would move us out from our survival games and push us to a whole new level of loving and giving? Is it possible that such a hope can exist in this messed up, chaotic and tumultuous world?

What if I say that such a hope does indeed exist, that in fact, this hope that we so dearly need is already present amongst us, for the past two millennia? Indeed, this hope is present even today. We think otherwise simply because we have not had the eyes to see nor the ears to hear. To know this hope does not require sophisticated knowledge of philosophy or science, nor does it demand that you possess great power and wealth. Yet, when we tie this hope securely to our hearts, we can be moved to do the unthinkable, the unimaginable, things that we would never be able to accomplish by our own nature.

Without dragging on too much, I shall tell you of this hope then. It is this. That once there was a man called Jesus Christ who walked this earth two thousand years ago. For preaching the coming of a new kingdom that would set people free, he incurred the wrath of the religious system of his day. Yet, he remained faithful to the end, believing, trusting that God would raise him from the dead. Sure enough, he was killed for his proclamation, crucified on the cross to expose the world of its sins. Yet, for this act of righteousness, of willingly facing death so that many more may have new lives, of willing laying down his being so that others can be brought to light, God raised him from the dead and granted him eternal life. Though he lost so much in his death – his reputation, his disciples, what little possessions he had – God gave him back so much more when he resurrected him – all the kingdom, power and glory.

Our hope is simply this – the promise of the resurrection. That the same way that Christ was raised from the dead, God too will one day grant us new life through his Spirit that lives in us. With this hope, then, we have no reason to fear death. We have no reason to be afraid that we will lose our rights and interests in this life, because in the resurrection, we will receive again our allotted inheritance.

I want us to be clear of the implications of the resurrection. Now, the reason that most people are afraid to do what they believe is right, the reason that they fear losing what belongs to them, the reason that stops them acting and responding in love is very similar. It goes against our self-preservation instincts. Now, if this life were all there is and if there was nothing that awaits us after death, then we can hardly blame anyone for doing everything they can to preserve their life and self-interests in this life. But if it is true that we have the resurrection awaiting us, then we can be sure that we are expected to live a radically different kind of life – a life that is unafraid of death, fearless of losing, unintimidated by the prospect of having to give up everything because all shall be restored to us (and even more shall be given) in the resurrection.

Thus is the message of Christianity. Perhaps here I would like to stress one thing. The central message of Christianity is that Christ died but rose again from the dead. Everything that Christianity stands for hinges upon the resurrection. As Paul points out 1 Corinthians 15:14 that if Christ has not been raised from the dead, the all our preaching is useless and so is our faith.

It was the hope of the resurrection that moved the early apostles to brave all the perils and dangers that are the very nature of their ministries. It was certainly the sole reason why Paul “placed himself in danger every hour…dies to himself everyday…fought the wild beasts in Ephesus” (1 Cor 15:30 – 32). It was the hope of the resurrection that enabled the early believers to stand up against the tortures and tyrannies of the Roman Empire. They fought, not with weapons of stone or steel, but with the weapons of grace and hope. Instead of forming an uprising or insurgency against the Roman Empire, they willingly gave their lives to the gospel of Christ, to proclaim the arrival of a new kingdom, even to death. As a result, more than a third of the Empire become converts to Christianity and even the Roman Emperor himself embraced Christianity 300 years later. As such, Christianity triumphed not by might, nor by power but by the hope of the resurrection.

So how, then, you might ask, does this hope result in love? Let us take at what Paul has to say in his epistles. He says:

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1 NKJV)

First of all, our hope gives us faith. The Greek word for substance is the word hupostasis. Hupo means ‘under’ while stasis means ‘standing’. Therefore, the word can also be translated as ‘under-standing’, or ‘sub (under) stance (standing). Here, I would also seek to address the many misunderstandings about faith. Many might think of faith as “leave things to God” or “only God knows”. Well, unfortunately that is not faith. Rather, that is fatalism – leaving things to fate. Of course, certain details of God’s plans are known only to him. BUT, the “mystery” of God’s will has already been revealed to us, as Paul tells us in Ephesians, e.g. Eph 1:9. The blueprint of God’s will has already been made known to us – to be conformed to the likeness of the image of his son. And what is the image of the son? One who lays down his life for others, only to take it up again.

Hence, our faith is the understanding of the hope that lies before us. Our faith is placed not upon the things that we do not know, but on the things that we do know. And the promise that God has revealed to us is the resurrection. Our faith is placed upon the resurrection of Christ – that just as we join in the suffering and death of Christ, we too share in his resurrection and his glory.

Alright, so now we know that hope produces faith. What next?

In his letter to the Galatians, Paul says that “the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Gal 5:6). A little clarification before we proceed. When I say love, I am not talking about the feeling of “being in love”. I, for one, believe that love is not a feeling. It is a choice based on our faith. We can feel that we are “in love”, yet still make very selfish decisions. On the other hand, we can feel sad or moody, yet still make a choice of love that arises out of the faith that we already have.

Love is simply this – to lay down your life and self-interests for another being, to care not only for your rights or rewards, but for another person’s wellbeing and welfare (whether you feel like it or not).

So to put all things together, with the hope of the resurrection, we can have the faith that God will raise us from the dead, and restore to us all that we have laid down in this life. With that faith, we can now have the certainty to go out and preach the gospel in love, to lay down our lives and interests so that others can come to know grace and forgiveness, joy and mercy, and ultimately they too will lay down their lives for others in the same manner.

I believe that if we start embodying this faith, hope and love in every part of our lives, it won’t be long before we start turning this world upside down and expressions of love become a common sighting. But it all comes down to the hope of resurrection and it requires people who would dare to believe in this kind of radical and audacious hope.

The choice is simple, but not easy. It brings about life and abundance, yet it is costly. It requires that we lose, so that we will gain. It appears a defeat, but is ultimately a victory.

Do you dare to believe in this hope and embrace it?

An Ever Present Hope

2008-11-26T04:55:00.000+11:00

There is surely a future hope for you,
And your hope will not be cut off.
– Proverbs 23:18

--

Let us now sing Hymn number thirteen –

The Fall of Hope

The fall of hope, the death of dreams.
The decay of passion, the end of light.
How mesmerising now the serenade of death.
How enchanting the requiem of despair.

Promises are but a platitude served to assuage fears of cruel reality.
Assurances are but trumperies deterring man from facing the inevitable.
Covenants only call us to live lives of sham and façade.

A dash of despair and a cup of destitute.
Blotting out all dreams, except for the bleakest, dreariest nightmares.

No more laughter and enjoyment for this bitter, vitriolic self
No more comfort and rest for this beaten, beleaguered soul
Not that I am ever a dreamer. I am merely a child.

Perhaps someday, when light ever returns to this dark, gloomy scene.
Perhaps someday, when clarion calls of hope resound again in this blank, empty space.

Perhaps then shall life arise again.
Perhaps then shall this brief insignificant existence find meaning again.

– The Requiem of Death, by Reverend Deyja, Humnos XIII

--

A time for tears possibly, a time for cries for mom and dad who are no longer there. A glimpse into those blank gazes and frank faces, and one is nothing but certain that they are gone. To a better place perhaps, to the home called heaven, the home that they used to tell me so much about during bedtime stories. But now they are not here anymore to tuck me in at night, to tell me stories before bed, to give me those warm hugs and kisses. Perhaps I will see them someday, I know I have to. But what if I don’t? I’d miss them so dearly. Is this just another dream? Will I ever wake up again?

But wherever shall I go now, I am merely a child. The streets are so gloomy and the people are so cold. Perhaps I shall wander through the dark alleyways. There is always food in the trashcans. There is always shelter underneath the boxes and the rooftops. It may not be as good as mom’s cooking, or as warm as my old comfy bed, but it will still do.

It is raining now tonight. Perhaps God is crying for mom and dad too. It’s so nice to sit here in the rain, allowing the tears of heaven to wash away my own. Why am I still crying? Is it too much to want the pain to stop? In this silent alleyway, I’m here by myself. But I know I’m not alone. I’m so cold and hungry, but it’s alright. I know I’ll make it through. God will always provide for me. But it still hurts so bad inside. Is it because I’m too weak? Is it because I’m just a child?

Is this the pain of loss or the pain of disappointment? Does it hurt because they’re gone, or because God wasn’t there for them? Oh, I wish I knew, but maybe I shall find it out another day.

--

It’s a new day of bright and shine. Yet cheer and life are far from my heart.

A half-eaten sandwich and a near-empty can of coke. A good find, I should say, amongst the heap of well-mingled trash. I devoured them with speed and voracity, lest the pigeons should get their share of the crop. A stride out into the wide open streets reveals more to me than a night’s cold retreat, on that small passageway beneath the moonlight feet.

People dashing across the pale, concrete path, muttering and sighing, grumbling and heaving. Tall guys in suits, and school girls in uniforms. Late for appointments, busy with assignments, having no time for little old me. Perhaps it might very well be so. After all, work for money, and money for bread, isn’t that how the cycle of life goes?

If mom and dad were here all would be clear. If only they were here I would not fear. But I know it well they would never come, I’m nothing but lost in this big, gloomy slum.

People all around in dazzling array, painted coats and fashion clothes. But all in real it’s just dismay, tainted gloats and ashen woes. But maybe a small request a child can make, a tiny favour they’d surely not refuse. A few pennies, a little coins for a loaf of bread for a day or two. A humble plea, a fumbled petition, from a tiny being in that giant cycle of life.

--

There’s always hope in suffering, but those who have never learned suffering will never know what it means to hope.

As long as a person lives, there is always hope lurking around the corner. There is constantly that feeling that deep down inside, that things will be better, that if he dares to believe, there is a brighter future that awaits him.

But why does the human heart constantly hope? Why does it course so deeply in our veins that we are so willing to fight for it to the end?

Perhaps it’s something given by God. Perhaps it’s a reminder that even in this cruel world, there is someone out there who cares, someone who has not abandoned us, someone still watching and guiding us…

…or perhaps guiding others to us…to a new future that is ahead of us.

--

A couple stopped and bent down to face me. Turning my head down to gaze at the ashen gray pavement, I tried to hide my tear soaked, grief tainted countenance. A few awkward moments elapsed before I finally mustered enough courage to look up to them. I tried to speak but found myself choking on my words, letting out some garbled phrases and incoherent syllables.

Unable to say anymore, I merely stretched out my hands towards them, gesturing for a kind offering of a penny or two. Oddly, a kind of sadness and compassion was etched upon their faces. For that brief moment in time, as my eyes met theirs, I could feel something different in those gazes that told me that they weren’t the usual people I’d find plying the streets.

“Are you alright, little boy?” the man asked me gently.

“M…m…maybe…”

“Where are mom and dad?”

“T…t…they’re g…g…gon–“

At this I broke down to tears. Burying my face into my lap, I wept alone silently while the couple looked on. They must think I’m stupid. But…I just can’t help it. Ah, forgive me for being so weak.

A pair of hands lifted my face and pressed it against a chest. A pair of arms wrapped around my shoulders and a neck pressed against my forehead. I was caught off guard by the lady’s reaction, but welcomed it freely as I continued to sulk and whimper in her warm embrace. She reminded so much of mom, her gentle cuddles and her comforting hugs. When the thought of losing her stung me again, I broke down into louder sobs.

“It’s okay. You’re safe now. I’m here. I’m here.”

The most reassuring words that I’ve ever heard coming from someone I barely even knew. Was she playing a bluff, or was she for real? Deep down, I knew it couldn’t have been an act. But did it really matter? At that moment, it just felt so good to be in her arms.

Are they your angels, God? Will you take them away too? Please don’t. If there’s anything I’d ask for now, God, please don’t take them away

--

Uncle Lufu and Auntie Feid are really sweet people. I am truly grateful for them. The choice on their behalf to adopt this miserable, troublesome, ordinary and unsuccessful child has really been a large step of faith on their behalf. I deeply wonder about the reason that gives them the courage to embrace me and invite me into their household. There is just so much love in them. I really pray hard that I do not disappoint them.

The feeling of being in this household is like being at home again with mom and dad. There’s so much joy and openness in the atmosphere, as uncle and auntie would often care for me as they would their own son.

Not being able to contain my curiosity any longer, I asked them honestly, “Uncle Lufu and Auntie Feid, why are you caring about me so much? You barely even know me.”

“Well, there was once a man called Jesus who walked this earth, teaching mankind how to live each day with grace and love. And He said, ‘Let the little ones come to me, because the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these’.”

“You, dear child, are part of these little ones who will belong to God’s Kingdom. You’ll see one day, of the wonderful things that God will do through you.”

I questioned further with even greater inquisitiveness, “But isn’t God’s Kingdom up there in heaven?”

“No, dear child, it has always been right here, on this earth.”

“B…but isn’t God’s Kingdom supposed to be good? Why is there so much evil and bad things going on around then? Surely this can’t be God’s Kingdom”

“Well, you know what, dear child. God is in the process of making all things new again. Right now, we see all these things happening because God has not yet finished His building plan.

But one day, we will see His goodness and mercy cover the entire earth. And you know what the beautiful thing about it is? We will be back to enjoy it! But until then, dear child, we hold on to this hope. And with this hope, we can have the certainty of our paths and begin to show love to the people around us.”

“Wow, that’s so amazing. B…but will I ever see mom and dad again?”

“I’m sure you will, dear child. I’m sure you will.”

--

At night, Auntie Feid tucked me in to bed, just like mom would always do. After a series of hugs and kisses, she turned out the lights, and quietly left the room. I saw the old, wooden door of the tiny, yet homely bedroom slowly close, gradually shutting out any traces of light from the outside from penetrating into the room.

I lay still in bed that night, the back of my head resting upon that snug, fluffy pillow as my eyes gazed out beyond the window to the immense, starry expanse. I caught sight of a shooting star, blazing through the skies and piercing through the clouds, steadily falling closer towards the earth until it vanished into the horizon.

Numerous thoughts flickered on and off as I stared into each starry host.

Hope…the thing that keeps us going…

Hope…for the things that have yet to come…

Someday…I will do great things…

Someday…God will make all things new again…

Someday…I’ll see mom and dad again…

I turned my head until my eyes caught hold of the ceiling. The layers were peeling off and multiple scratch marks were etched upon its surface, perhaps reflecting the age and use of this building.

As I close my two small eyes, I could wet, hot streaks streaming down my temples, and cool droplets pooling in my ears. Truly God, you are so good. In you God, I place all my hopes and dreams.

A few silent moments slipped away, and I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.

--

They say that only time (and God) can heal the deepest sorrows. It’s now three years since I’ve lived with Uncle Lufu and Auntie Feid. So many things have happened.

I got into my first year of high school. It was a pretty tough year, adapting to the new environment, social pressures and heavy workloads, but I’ve learned to enjoy it. I didn’t seem to have many problems with studies and fitting into the social circle, though when pressed regarding my family background, I tended to be a little stuck at times and resorted to change the topic of discussion. Of course that didn’t sit quite comfortably with some of my schoolmates, but I got around it somehow.

But I felt really nervous that day as it was Parent-Teacher Day. I thought I did reasonably good in my assessments and had been behaving fairly well in class throughout the year. But still, you never know what the teachers might think of you. Uncle Lufu, Auntie Feid and I were in the waiting room outside, waiting to see my teachers, along with several other parents. The wait seemed like ages, as I surveyed the room indifferently as my ‘parents’ engaged with the other parents in an apparently humorous conversation, with bursts of laughter every now and then.

I heaved a long sigh as I looked at my watch, tapping my feet impatiently on the ground as I muttered and moaned softly to myself. When is this all going to be over? I don’t like this uneasy feeling. And I’m hungry too. When can I eat?

All forms of laughter were cut off by sudden shrieks of terror echoing through the school corridors. The sounds of thundering footsteps were accompanied by a few loud bangs. We all ran out to see what the commotion was all about. To our shock and horror, two of the school kids were on a killing spree, randomly targeting and shooting anyone that crossed their paths. The rest of the children were running for their lives, with the two gunners trailing closely behind them. The concrete pathways were stained by a trail of crimson, the once pristine ground stamped with bloodstained shoeprints.

As we continued to gaze in fear and terror, one of the schoolkids took note of us and turned back towards us, aiming the muzzle of his deadly weapon at our bewildered bunch. He pulled the trigger and let loose a deafening roar. Uncle Lufu crumpled to the ground, his chest pierced by the fast, lethal round. Auntie Feid screamed in disbelief and bent down to help Uncle B, but he immediately brushed off her help, calling for us to make a run for it.

Realising the danger of the situation we were in, I grabbed Auntie Feid’s hands and made a run for it, with the rest of the parents and kids alongside us. The hunter continued the chase, letting off a few more shots towards us. I narrowly evaded death as a bullet zoomed past my shoulders, burying itself deep into the hard, concrete wall.

As we ran, the loud blares of police sirens broke through the chaos of the moment. Thank goodness, help had arrived!

Finally, the exit was in sight. We ran out the doors into the wide open fields, relieved to have escaped from the slaughterhouse. The gunner had stopped chasing us, possibly frightened by the presence of the law enforcement officers.

When all the children, parents and teachers had safely evacuated the school building, the police moved in to subdue the perpetrators. Several more gunshots were fired and then deafening silence lingered in the air.

I turned to Auntie Feid and heaved a sigh of relief. “We made it, auntie, we made it!”

Yet, I sensed that something was not right. She looked at me and only managed to give me a weak smile before collapsing to the ground. I stood and watched in horror at the events unfolding before me, before reaching down to help Auntie Feid. I slid my hands behind her shoulders and saw a fresh, crimson colour staining my hands.

I cried out for help. The nearby paramedics, conscious of the present crisis, rushed over to her side with their emergency kit. They rolled her over to her side and began applying pressure to attempt to stem the bleeding. But she had already lost copious amounts of blood and was beginning to pass out.

I gripped her hand cold, clammy hand tightly, urging her not to let go. Her face grew pale, as her breathing became increasingly heavier.

She began whispering barely audible tones as she slipped deeper into unconsciousness. I drew closer to listen to her muffled speech.

“B…be strong, dear child. Don’t despair at my passing. There’s always hope in the midst of the suffering. There’s always hope in God.”

Tears began streaming down my face. I faced a similar scene three years ago when I gripped my mom’s hands as she died. I was reliving the nightmare once again.

“N…no…” I protested, “You can’t go.”

“Shhh…hush, dear child. It’s okay. We will see each other again someday. As long as hope is alive, we will…”

Her words trailed off. Her grip loosened. Her breathing stopped. She was gone.

I sat there, confronted yet again by the same blank eyes and lifeless visage that shook me over three years ago, one that I still shuddered when I thought about it again. Yet, there I was reliving every gruesome moment that traumatised and tormented me more than anything else.

In the midst of my grief and uncertainty, the police approached me. They broke the bad news regarding Uncle Lufu. He, too, had succumbed to his gunshot wounds and died before the medical team could get to him.

Oh, it was all too much for me to bear. Why…why did all of this have to happen? Why, God…why…

An intense pain gripped me and all of a sudden, everything became a blur as the world around me faded away into darkness.

--

In the same alleyway again, I sit alone, under the moonlit skies, scorned and derided. My heart is numb and my mind is frozen, betrayed upfront by so-called hope. A rainless night, a tearless plight. The heavens have shut their gates, as my wellspring of life has dried up.

Hope is nil in this wretched world.
All but a dreadful lie and a wishful blight.
A cute ideal in a neat little box.
Proving in the end to be empty and bare.

A smashed glass bottle I hold in my hand. The sharp, pointed edge I hold to my wrists. With one quick stroke, the glass slices through flesh, a sheer relief to feel again. Blood oozes out the gaping wound, streaming down the thin, slender arm, trickling to the ground in small, little rounds.

The bottle next I hold to my neck. One quick swoop shall make it complete. A miserable life shall come to an end.

“Stop!” I hear one crying to me. I look up and see a frightened girl my age. A strange, pleading look was carved on her face. I can only wonder what she wants with me.

“Leave me alone, in this filth-ridden slum. And let me finish what ought have been done. And bring a close to this unhappy existence.”

“No, I won’t, I won’t ever leave. Please don’t hurt yourself, what joy is in that? A life ahead you have yet to live, to find your dream and fulfil your destinies.”

“I’ve already walked this solemn path. Nothing but despair it has brought me to bear. So leave me dear girl, to my impending demise, so at least I can have pleasure, in life’s touching end.”

“There’s still hope I tell you, of life that’s to come. Have you forgotten the promise that God gave to us? That there will be life once again, though there is death. So why grieve as one without hope, and why relent as one without promise?”

“Hope is but for fools, dear girl, and promise is but for the simple-minded. What hope is there in this great loss I have? What hope is there in a world that is nothing but despair?”

“Hope is all that I have, I’ll have you know. For I, too, have fallen into death’s snare. I, too, know your loss and understand your pain. Hope is what keeps us going despite all odds. Hope is what keeps us together despite all troubles.

Please don’t give your life so freely to death, who welcomes it ever with wide open hands. For I believe, we have become united as this by present sufferings. And would you hope with me, then, for a better future that is ahead? Would you hope with me for a light that is to come?”

A moment’s awe, an instant’s wonder. I ponder it through, and consider it true.

The bloodstained glass I drop to the ground, and began to weep for my foolish pride. A pair of arms around me, and a neck to my forehead, reminiscence perhaps to true, faithful grace.

--

As the saying goes, there is always hope in the midst of suffering.

It’s a mysterious feeling indeed, this feeling called hope. It insists that despite all evidence to the contrary, there is something better that awaits us if we dare to embrace it, to fight for it and to stand up for it.

Perhaps it also reminds us that there is always a God who is watching over us, a God who not only guides us but guides people to us.

I guess hope is what makes humans…human.

We sat there under the vast open expanse of God’s firmament, two souls learning to journey together to discover hope, a hope that will one day come to bear.

There were tears from the skies again that night, drenching us in sweet heaven’s dew.

And we gazed upon a shooting star, piercing through the clouds and dashing across the night skies, disappearing at last into the distant horizon.

--

Gather to Scatter

2008-10-20T02:38:00.001+11:00

Almost all of us enjoy the idea of gathering together as a community to celebrate God’s presence amongst us, and to celebrate the Kingdom that He has inaugurated and that is being advanced on this earth. We enjoy the fellowship and the relationships, the conversations and the actions, the joys and the tears, the opportunities to bless and be blessed. Truly, gathering together in a community gives us a sense of security, belonging and identity.

But how comfortable then are we with the idea of scattering?

As much as God wants us to gather together to worship and to fellowship, God desires just as much for His children to scatter and go out into the world to carry His edict and to proclaim His rulership to all four corners of the earth.

The 8th chapter of the book of Acts presents an account by the Greek physician, Luke, of the scattering of followers of the Lord following severe persecution by the Jewish leaders. At the beginning of the chapter, we are told that the church in Jerusalem was severely persecuted on the day of the Stephen’s death, following his rebuke of the religious leaders of their stubbornness and wickedness. The believers were scattered throughout Judea and Samaria. Saul, one of the major supporters of the genocide, went along his merry ways destroying the church that God was establishing and dragging every believer he encountered into prison.

It would seem that darkness was snuffing out the beacon of light that was planted in Jerusalem and in the arm wrestle between religiosity and the truth of God that the strong arm of religion was pinning down the hand of God.

Yet, we read later on in verse 4 that the opposite was happening. Instead of dying out like sparks removed from a bonfire, the believers ignited into new pyres wherever they went and became beacons of light to the people living in darkness. They proclaimed the gospel of the Kingdom and ministered in the power of the Holy Spirit. They cast out demons and healed the paralysed. They brought hope and salvation to the people who were living out meaningless existences. In other words, they were re-presenting Christ in their new environments, which certainly was no small feat.

When we scatter into our respective work or social environments, how actively are we re-presenting Christ? How actively are we proclaiming the ways of Jesus to the people around us, and living out the truths that we hold onto in the midst of communities who have different ideals and belief systems? That is a challenge indeed for us all, who have grown quite accustomed to dualising our work and our church worlds, setting up dividing lines between the two homogenous entities. We like being in the community and interacting in church, but we dread going out into our workplace and communicating with the people there.

This brings us to the snippet of the story in Acts. When the apostles in Jerusalem heard about these new colonies of the Kingdom that have been established, they sent Peter and John to minister to the believers in Samaria. The interesting thing to note is that the believers in their new environments still maintained close relationships with the community back home in Jerusalem, enabling the sharing of the new revelations, blessings and the harvest that God had given them. They were united by the same conviction – that Christ is the son of God and those who are in Him are new creations, living new lives that are led by the Spirit – and from that, a common mission – to proclaim the new way that Christ had demonstrated to humanity and to call people out from the old ways of sin and death into new and living ways of life. This would certainly have empowered believers back in Jerusalem that their faith was not in vain and that the attempts of the religious powers around them to crush and smother it would not triumph.

This brings us to the next challenge. When we gather together, what kind of relationships are we building so that when we scatter, our relationships with one another are secure and unshaken? Do we want to build purely social relationships, connected primarily by entertaining events, humorous conversations and social obligations? Or, perhaps pseudo-communities, where we are careful to say the right things while masquerading behind our holy facades? Or, do we want to build living communities united by a common conviction and a common mission – to re-present the faith, hope and love of Christ in every part of our lives? The relationships that we form within the community are vital indeed to ensure that when we scatter, we retain our purpose, identity and belonging as brothers and sisters together on a journey to be conformed to the full stature of the image of Christ and to preach the good news wherever we go. When we scatter, we go out to the fields where the harvest is ripe and when we gather, we share the fruits that we have gathered to nourish and strengthen one another.

Another challenge this brings to us is when we gather, how effectively are we building up ourselves and our brothers and sisters such that when we go out into the fields, we will be ready to receive the harvest that God gives to us? We need to be equipped to stand as a new people, in the promises that God has for humanity and the power of the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead.

In the next snippet, we encounter a sorcerer named Simon who was became a follower of Jesus and was baptised along with many other people in the city of Samaria. It soon became clear, however, that the motivations for his conversion were primarily for the acquisition of more power for himself, probably so that he can somehow astonish even more people with his magical talents. He was so desperate for it that he even attempted to buy the power of the Holy Spirit with his money.

This poses the next challenge for us as a community when we gather. Many times, we find that we rely on our own strength and resources. We are more inclined to devoting time to walking in our own strengths than being dependent on God, not only in our spiritual growth but also in our ministry and proclamation. At other times, the busyness of the moment clogs up our ears and blurs our eyes to the whisper and direction of the Spirit. As such, we become so focused on the task that we lose sight of the grace and providence of God.

This calls us to examine our motivations and our hearts. What is the source from which we draw strength and resources to press on? Just as Peter said to Simon: “May your money perish with you” (vs 19), are we ready to say to the flesh: “May the strength that you thought you could amass perish with you!” If we stubbornly refuse to change our ways and repent, we should not be surprised when God says to us: “You have no part or share in this ministry because your heart is not right before me.” (vs 20) The question, then, is “How are we disciplining ourselves such that our hearts are attuned to God’s?” This, arguably, is where fasting comes into play. It calls us to discipline our heart, mind, body and soul such that they are not driven by the flesh. Fasting provides the opportunity for us to break the power of the flesh and be dependent on the grace and the providence of God through His Spirit in us. It is when we can come to a place of brokenness and dependence on God that we are able to then be shaped and moulded into vessels that can contain the fullness of His purposes and promises for this earth.

So far, we have the scene of the community of believers in Samaria growing and receiving the blessing and the baptism of the Holy Spirit. It would seem like an evangelistic success to Philip, who had chucked in quite a great deal of effort preaching and ministering to the people in the city. However, before he got to settle down comfortably in his new community, enjoying the harvest that he had laboured for, God once again called him to another place.

There, he met an Ethiopian eunuch, who was a passage in the Book of Isaiah. He initiated a conversation with the man, a conversation that I personally find very moving and inspiring.

Many of us might be asking – why scatter? When we can grow together and begin to embody the image of Christ within the community, why do we need to break up and go out into the world? I believe that the transpiring conversation provides insight to why this is so vital.

Philip asks the man, “Do you understand what you are reading?”

He answers, “How can I, unless someone explains it to me?”

After reading the passage from Isaiah regarding the suffering servant, he begs Philip, “Tell me, please, who is the prophet talking about, himself or someone else? Who is this mysterious figure who so willing laid down his life for mankind?”

Similarly, there are so many people out there who are asking the questions:

“Is there any other way out of this mess that we’ve made?”
“Is there no greater purpose for which we as humanity stand for aside from all the meaningless games that we’re playing with one another?”
“Is there truly a God who cares for this planet and for us as mankind?”

We might happen to ask them, “Do you know about the gospel of a new Kingdom that is breaking free?”

Their response might be: “How would I, unless someone explains it to me?”

Although they probably would not explicitly say it, but it does not mean that they are not seeking. Indeed, there are so many people out there who are questioning the ways of the systems of the world, who are dissatisfied with the purposeless existence that mankind has fallen into, who are yearning for new way that brings life and fruitfulness to this earth and humanity. How can we idly stay comfortably in our own circles when there are so many lost ones out there who are longing to discover the love, grace and mercy of the Creator, and His glorious purposes for His sons? Are we actively stepping out in faith, responding to the Spirit as He leads us to these lost souls? We are called to step out in the power of the resurrection, bringing light, wholeness and holiness to the darkest corners of the earth. We are called to bring the hope that we have in our Creator to the nations that desperately need the revelation of a loving and sovereign God who has a vision that is far above the agendas of the beastly empires that are overrunning the planet, a God who will one day decimate all the powers that oppress and enact His uncontested rule here on this earth.

Again we have Philip, successfully preaching the gospel to yet another faithful believer. Before he gets to delight in his success, God moves him again! In the blink of an eye, he was led away by the Spirit to yet another place. Talk about God’s movement!

Perhaps we can indeed draw a powerful lesson from this. Often times, God calls us and leads us from one place to another, again and again. Just when we feel comfortable settling down in a particular job, he shakes us around and calls us to leave. Just when we are beginning to enjoy the comforts of serving in a particular ministry, He tells us to pack our bags and leave. It should concern us that God’s word can come unpredictably sometimes. However, when we are secure in the hope that we profess and the Source of that hope, we can respond readily in faith to His calling. The security that we have in what we know casts out the fear of what we do not know.

Although the eunuch encountered Philip only once in his lifetime, the moment made such an impact on his life that it changed his life forever.

Despite probably meeting most people only once in our lifetimes, what are we building or investing into that will make an impact on the community around us? It should challenge us to consider whether the things that we are putting our lives into will prepare the foundations for the next generation to build upon, or whether it will have any bearings on the people around us even if it means we will be led somewhere else before we get to enjoy the benefits of it. Also, it should challenge us to live lives that are radically different that one encounter would be enough for others to notice something different in the way we interact and engage with the world around us.

To sum it all up, we gather together to build our spiritual muscles, sharpen our convictions, polish our faith and revitalise our hope. We gather so that we can be train together to be people who can embody the faith, hope and love of Christ as a community of people knitted together by a common conviction and purpose. We gather together so that authentic relationships can form amongst us so that we can carry with us the sense of identity, purpose and belonging as part of the body of Christ that is advancing to cover all parts of the earth.

All this prepares us so that we can scatter to the ends of the earth to proclaim the Good News of the power and the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and the Kingdom that He has begun amongst us and is now filling the earth. All this prepares us to be witnesses of His Word and to live out the truths of the Biblical story and the ways of Jesus in such a way that it makes such an impact to the people around us. All this prepares us to traverse new frontiers, opening up spaces and erecting beacons of light and hope where the grace, love and joy of the Creator can be found even in the darkest and most sinister place on the earth.

Ultimately, we gather to scatter!

--

Notes:

Picture taken from http://smokedval.deviantart.com/art/dandelion-63577197

--

Two Sides of a Coin

2008-10-03T22:23:00.002+10:00

VISIONS

Visions surfacing within my mind,

Instilling a new sense of hope and discovery,

Suffusing my being with wondrous delight,

In bringing purpose, and faith, and joyous belonging,

One glimpse of the Kingdom Christ came to bring,

Nullifies all fears, and hesitations and trivialities,

So let it be then, the vision that I bear.

--

AGENDAS

A list of agendas runs through my mind,

Goals to be met, grace to be kept,

Ever pursuing this perpetual spiral,

Never stopping for small little tears,

Deaf to the sounds of joy and laughter,

Amidst the seas of high towering ambitions.

So untrustworthy have I become.

--

Two sides of a coin. It’s scary to think how closely they are related to one another. A head and a tail. Two opposing dimensions separated only by the viewing angle.

One flip of the coin. How easily things can change. What seemed like a winning coin toss might turn out to be just another losing bet.

Common visions and personal agendas. How alike they really are. Two opposing dimensions differentiated only by the eye of the beholder.

One flip of the coin. How easily things can change. What seemed a beautiful vision might turn out to be just another personal agenda.

--

Heads – The Vision

Do you believe in something greater for OCF?

Yes, I do.

What do you believe in?

That there will be a new generation that rises up to take their places on this earth to walk with faith, hope and love.

I want to really see a generation of believers who can rise up together to bring the goodness and grace, love and mercy of God onto this earth. Moreover, I want to see a generation rise up to stand in the purposes and promises that God has both for their lives.

I want to see a whole new generation of people who can share their life journeys with one another, empowering each other with their life stories and building each other up with their convictions and beliefs.

It dawned upon me after more than 2 weeks of wrestling with OCF. I had been rethinking my purpose of going to OCF. Spiritual growth wise, I am not really growing at all. Fellowship wise, I don’t think I am really connecting with the people there. The superficialities and trivialities of the relationships there sickened me. Many people talk about the OCF family, but I just don’t feel kinship ties being established there.

Beneath all the smiles and the laughter, is there really anything deeper that binds us together? Aside from doing things together, is there any common conviction that we hold on to?

Then I had this thought that perhaps the purpose of me being there was to bring newness to OCF, to bring about a change from within, to challenge the perspectives of my fellow brothers and sisters and to open up spaces for new convictions and beliefs to grow and flourish.

I do believe that each individual has their own dreams and visions that they want to pursue. I truly want to support them in their pursuit. I truly want to play a bigger role in other people’s lives.

But all I see is superficiality and triviality. It would seem that people are keen on talking about the latest movies than about their more recent visions that God has given them. It appears that people enjoy so much of the trivial conversations and empty chatter than sharing their faiths and their spiritual journeys.

Do you have the faith to pursue this vision?

I do not know. Only time will tell.

What drives you to continue to carry this vision?

I guess the hopes that God will do something to intervene in the situation.

--

Tails – The Agenda

I have come to realise that my relationships have been ridden with agendas. It just dawned upon me that the things that I do, the things that I say are all coated with a layer of goals.

Now I’m beginning to question that. Is it because I truly want to see my fellow OCFers grow and mature to become true Christ followers? Or is it because I want to impose my beliefs upon them so that I can have OCF run the way I think it is supposed to be run?

I really do not trust myself anymore. I no longer know what I am thinking, or what my real motives for going to OCF are. Only God knows.

What do you hope to see in the relationship?

To be accepted for who I really am.

What do you hope that other people will do for you?

That they will strike conversations with me and not wait for me to go up to them and have conversations with them.

How has that been for you so far?

Not very good. I still find it difficult to strike conversations with people or to share in the things that they enjoy.

Yet, I detect some sense of control within you. Are you sure that your motivations are purely for the growth and good of OCF?

To be honest, I am not that sure anymore.

Don’t you think that the fact that you are not mixing well may be because you’re not actually making the effort?

Well, I suppose so.

Or perhaps you already have expectations of others within a relationship?

Maybe that as well.

Is your vision, then, something with which to mask your personal agenda?

Perhaps that may well be.

I am starting to realise that some of my relationships with others have been riffled with goals and expectations. Perhaps one of my major flaws is that I am unable to adapt to the conversations that are going on in large groups. Perhaps one of the factors that I find it so difficult is that I lack knowledge of the most current hypes or entertainments. In fact, I don’t think that I have much interesting experiences in my life to share with others.

I think that the only way that I can really contribute to OCF is probably by teaching them or sharing what little knowledge that I have (if it is of any worth at all). Again, perhaps relationships aren’t meant to be built upon achieving goals or meeting needs. Ties are meant to be formed by the quality of time spent together and the sense of belonging to the people with whom we interact.

In that case, then perhaps I am in deep trouble. I find it hard to interact and mingle around in large groups, often times because I am reticent to share my thoughts in the midst of the conversations going on around me. I’ve discovered through the ages that I find it so difficult to blend in with their conversations, especially if it’s about the latest movies, or songs, or perhaps some funny experiences. It’s because I don’t really have any preferences or experiences in such things.

Or perhaps it could also be due to my expectations of others. In my mind, I already have ideas of where I would like the conversation to head towards. If it doesn’t turn out the way I imagine it would be, I draw back and the relationship would be scarred.

--

It’s shocking really how quickly a tower of security that I had built for myself could come crumbling down so quickly.

Do I dare to dream again? Do I dare to hold my hopes out high?

Do I dare to have new aspirations for OCF?

Which side of the coin am I on?

Am I leaning towards a vision for OCF? Or am I, in reality, lying flat on the face of my own personal agendas of finding comfort in the midst of my own insecurities?

--

I arose from my sea of chaotic, incoherent thoughts.

It was not easy immersing myself in the madness, but it had to be done. I had to let out all the bottled up frustrations and resentment that had built up within me. The immensity of the stream of consciousness threatened to rip apart my sanity and my emotional stability. An emotional and spiritual battle was actively fought in soul.

Suddenly there was calm. It dawned upon me the peace of mind to sift through the thoughts and ideas running amok in my head.

I do believe that the dilemma that I am facing now is partly due to the difficulties in changing the mindsets already engrained deeply within each person’s hearts. And I believe that applies to me as well. I had been reluctant to adapt to the circumstances in which I had been placed and I do believe that it is time to change it.

Another thought that came to mind was that of comparisons. I had been so busy comparing myself to others that I did not have the time to listen to the Spirit’s promptings and sense what God is trying to do in the lives of the people around me. I had been too busy trying to match up people’s expectations and trying to figure out what people like or dislike that there was no room for life and spontaneity to flow out from me.

I believe that it is time to make a change.

I may not be as much of a joker as some of them, or have as much interesting experiences in life as they do, but that certainly does not mean that I am any lesser than they are.

I am reminded once again by my PBL tutorials. The changes that came upon me really amazed me. Initially I was reticent and was unwilling to participate, but once I chose to step out in faith and join in the gang, it was smoother sailing for me. I believe that it would be no different in this case as well. If I choose to step out in faith, opportunities would definitely open up for me in my interactions with others.

I might not have the solutions to my current predicament, but I do believe that God will open up doors for me to step out and respond to His leading.

--

Ultimately, though, I need to ask myself.

Am I still flipping the coin? Or am I fixing my eyes off the coin to a higher power?

Am I still playing with personal agendas? Or am I pursuing a vision that is worthy of my calling?

And I believe that those are questions that all of us face – questions that demand a response.

--

The Life and Times of Amelia Chee

2008-09-14T21:31:00.008+10:00

Investing for the Future

Introduction

11 June 2028

Gosh! It’s so exciting to be starting off a new diary. I’ve always wanted to do this, but found myself just too lazy to start. But, I’m finally doing it. I think this will be the start of a new and interesting journey.

It’s not easy having a doctor pastor as a father. There’re so many expectations being thrown at you. But ultimately, I believe that God does have a greater purpose for me and I want to celebrate that. So I commit this journal now to record each day of my life, how it has been and the things that God has done for me.

God, I’m really eager to see where you take me.

Lead me on, God!

12 September 2028

Dear diary,

I am truly wondering if I have made the right choice in coming to university to do Medicine. It’s really killing me. All these weekly tutorials and lectures are really starting to wear me down. I am so far behind in my studies and revisions. I truly need to catch up.

But right now, I think there is a far greater thing that is bogging me down and that is the apathy of the people around me towards the world. I do believe that God has such a far greater purpose for this world, but so many people just take things for granted. I really feel so lonely on this journey here in Uni.

God, if you are hearing this, would you grant me someone to walk with? I really do not want to walk this journey alone. I do not want to be the only one standing for You and your creation here in Uni. I have no problem expressing your faith, hope and love in church, but over here, things are just so different. I truly feel so alone.

14 September 2028

Dear diary,

I am feeling down in the dumps again today. I feel so drained today after having a conversation with this guy who is doing medicine as well. His name was Damian, I think. What he said really distressed me and made me feel really uncomfortable.

Our conversation began with the usual introduction and smiles. Then we kinda went on to talk about the assignment essay. He wrote on the topic of obesity, and I was curious to hear his take on things. In the conversation, he made a remark that obese people should just be allowed to die from coronary heart diseases as they brought on the problem themselves. I asked him about the roles of genetics but he brushed that aside and insisted that their attitudes were the prime cause of their problems and that they should suffer for it.

He also did not seem to be concerned at all about how this city would turn out in the future and pointed out how selfishly people were living out their lives, going about in their lives running their own businesses and piling up wealth for themselves and then binging themselves to death. He said that there was no point in helping people who would not help themselves and there was no brighter future ahead for this city. It also appeared that he would like to leave Melbourne once he graduated.

How can he say such things? It’s just awful, really, especially for one who aspires to become a doctor. I really think that it isn’t their fault that they become obese. Well, perhaps some do overeat and underexercise, but still I don’t think that we should just “let them die of heart disease”. And just because they enjoy food too much doesn’t mean that they don’t suffer enough for it, with all the social stigmas and negative stereotyping being hurled against them. I really want to help these people, bringing God’s grace into their lives and leading them to live a more wholesome life than pursuing their own pleasures. They really deserve a second chance.

Ah! What a terrible person he is! I really hope I don’t talk to him ever again. It’s so depressing.

But then, God, you know what, the thing that stung me most was the fact that there is truth in what he said. Really God, many obese people do bring their problems upon themselves. So, why bother to help people who won’t help themselves? Why am I obligated to do such things? Is it really worth my time and effort? I am just so confused now. God, I really wish you would give me someone that can affirm me on my journey in bringing life to the people around me. Grant me guidance, Lord, I pray.

16 September 2028

Dear diary,

It would appear that today would be a mundane and uneventful day had it not been for this one crazy thing that I think the Spirit prompted me to do.

I met up with Damian again during practical session today. Not wanting the conversation to go down the depressing pathway that I had experienced earlier, I tried to keep the conversation at the level of daily life stuff and work around university. Yes, it was better to keep the conversation going that way. It was less awkward that way.

However, halfway through, the thought about the dialogue that we had the other day kept tugging at me. I felt the desire to prod deeper into the issue to discover why he was so passionate about the obesity issue. I was quite sure that I was in for it, that I would probably get frustrated again at the end of the conversation. Nevertheless, it was still worth a shot.

So I asked him why was he so passionate about the obesity issue. He replied that it was because he felt so annoyed at how people in first world countries were enjoying themselves and stuffing themselves to death while so many other people around the world were suffering and dying from lack of food. His reply took me aback. I did not expect that to come from him, someone whom I presumed to be cynical and uncaring.

I felt an urge to dig deeper into his life, so I asked him more about his passion. I was in for a real treat. He started off by telling me how back home in Taiwan one night, he watched the news on television about people who died in a tsunami. And he contrasted that with the fact that he was lying there comfortably in bed watching television. The thought struck him that he really should live his life for something worthwhile rather than dwelling in a meaningless existence.

He is also dissatisfied with the Western capitalist system, how people were amassing wealth for themselves and competing for power and prestige. Therefore, he really feels that people in first world countries are living too comfortable lives and thus he wants to work with people who are unable to fend for themselves in the poorer nations. He wants to become a doctor so that he can treat and care for people in those countries.

I am so amazed at his response. I’ve yet to meet anyone in university who is so passionate about helping people in the poorer countries of the world. Many other course mates I’ve talked to want to become a doctor for the few “classical” reasons, i.e. to earn money or gain greater prestige. He truly is someone different.

As the conversation progressed, I had this thought of suddenly speaking something strange into his life. I could sense a nudge that prompted me to say a particular thing that I wasn’t so comfortable saying. I pondered about it, and tried to suppress it but it just kept coming back. Finally, I relented and decided to give it a go and let the Spirit to lead me.

“Hey, I think you’d do well with Jesus,” I told him. Oh no, there goes the conversation and the possible friendship! He’ll think I’m some kind of freak.

I waited for the “inevitable” rejection and contempt. Again, I was wrong.

“Well, I don’t know about that. But I do know that we should all love the God’s creations.”

“Then have you ever thought about going to church then?”

“Well, I have been to quite a number of different churches, but I stopped going. It’s just that people in church are so hypocritical. And so many people in church are so concerned about themselves that they don’t really show love for other people around them.”

Yes, that is so true. There are so many people in “church” that are concerned only about themselves and their own lives that they have no space for others, including myself sometimes. Although we are called to show grace to people, we get caught up with our own desires and ambitions. I can really relate to what he feels about the church.

I think that today, God has really shown me how wrong it is to judge someone by their outward appearance. Behind the outward cynicism or apathy that people display, there is inevitably a deeper story behind the way they act or behave. I am not sure if it was really the Spirit that led me to say the things that I did to him, but I’m really glad that I did. It opened up the opportunity to share in the richness and beauty of Damian’s life journey.

Thank you so much for that, Lord.

21 September 2028

Dear diary,

Today I decided to invite Damian to Life* Expedition. I really want him to discover more of the richness of God’s promises for his life and to be grounded in the faith of Christ so that he will have the foundations to push through to pursuing his vision for his life and not getting ground up by the systems of the world, and to have the leadership of the Spirit in his life. I can see so much potential in him and I really want to see him develop and grow into a powerful man of God. Admittedly, I am quite frustrated with the traditional way church is “run” because it has really killed his interest in Christianity. I really think that it will be a hard battle to re-establish his trust towards the ways of Jesus and the leadership of the Spirit, but then again nothing is impossible for God. I believe that God wants to do something amazing in his life.

The opportunity came when I met up with him just before the lecture was about to begin. I sat beside him in the lecture theatre. I was kind of nervous about asking him to church, as he might turn down my request in light of his apparent cynicism towards it. Yet, in light of what I have already discovered last week, I think I should just do it and leave the rest to God. Oh dear, I make it sound as though God’s job is to clean up my mess. But, I’m sure He would be happy to do so.

“Hey, Damian. Erm…I was just thinking. Would you like to try something exciting?”

“Something exciting? What’s that?”

“Would you like to go on an exciting journey in life?”

“And what journey would that be?”

“Erm…a journey to discover the life of Christ, a whole new way of living that is above the current systems that we have.”

“Oh really? Does that mean you want to invite me to church?”

Oh dear, how do I proceed now?

“Erm…yes. I would like to invite you to church. Look, I know that we have not got everything together yet, but I do believe that we are all on this journey together and we are all learning to live out the ways of Christ. So, I really apologise for the ways that the churches that you’ve visited in the past have shaped your perspectives of Christianity, but true Christianity is really not the way you think it is. And I really want to invite you to discover for yourself the ways that Christ has taught us to live.”

“Hmm…well. Why not? I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to check it out.”

Phew…okay. That wasn’t too tough. Praise God for that. I am really excited for him, to see where God would lead him in this journey of discovering Him.

Lord, I really pray that you will open his heart to receive your Words and your Spirit. I can sense that there is potential in him, that you can use him mightily for your glory. Would you teach him your ways that he might be grounded firm in you and bring life to those people in third world countries.

In Jesus name. Amen.

27 September 2028

Dear diary,

Strangely, today I feel that God is nudging me to invest into Damian’s life. After visiting our community, he still has suspicions about the people at Life* Expedition and he still isn’t too sure about following Christ just yet. But I think with time, God can make the seeds that has been planted in him grow.

I think that God is calling me to disciple Damian and to lead him spiritually. It would be a great task for me and it would undoubtedly consume a lot of my time and effort but if Damian grows up to be a strong man of God and becomes a blessing to others, then I would willingly lay down my life for that cause.

But still, I am not really sure. I don’t know if I would be able to handle the responsibilities that it entails. What if I misrepresent Christ in some way that reflects poorly on God, causing Damian to stray from His ways? Oh no, I wouldn’t want that to happen. I really don’t want God’s name to be tarnished. I want to bring glory to Him.

I think I need more time to think this through. Maybe it’s just a crazy idea. Yes, I need more clarity on this issue. I’ve never really discipled anyone before. I don’t think I’m ready for it.

Ah! It’s just so difficult. Lord, would you give me clarity and assurance that I can undertake this task.

30 September 2028

Dear diary,

I’ve talked to my dad about the thing that God has put in my heart. Since he’s the pastor of Life* Expedition, I reckoned that he’d know what to do. He encouraged me to take the challenge on and to pursue the vision that God has given me. Speaking from experience, he said that when I dare to take the step of faith to pursue it, God will open up whole new opportunities and new discoveries for me and that it would enrich my faith in Him. He also added that God wouldn’t give me something that He doesn’t think that I can handle. I still had reservations about it and all kinds of negative thoughts were flying through my mind. But after praying with him, I had the peace to think things through.

And you know what, diary, I think that my dad’s right. I think I should pursue the vision that God has given me. I really do see God’s promises for Damian’s life and I really do believe that God wants to do something in him. And it’s true that God won’t give me more than I can chew, so He must think that I’m able to handle this (with His strength and wisdom of course).

Yes, I really want to go on an exciting journey myself. I really want to see where God leads me in this. Alright God, from today onwards I shall guide Damian on his journey to discovering You. Perhaps tomorrow, I shall start by inviting him to join my house church. And perhaps even Life* 101. I’m sure my dad would be delighted to have him around.

Oh, this is so exciting. I really want to see where God takes me.

15 January 2029

Dear diary,

I really don’t know if I’m making any progress at all with Damian. It’s been nearly 4 months now and it still doesn’t appear to me that he has had any significant changes in his walk with God. I’ve brought him for house church and Life* 101, but it seems that he still feels self-sufficient and says that he doesn’t need to follow God’s ways in his life in order to pursue his vision of healing the sick in Africa.

Really, God, am I investing in the right thing? I am not quite sure whether I am able to have the same faith that I once had when I started to invest in his life. Somehow I just feel that I’ve gone down the wrong path. I’ve tried talking to him, doing Bible studies with him, sharing my personal convictions with him and even referred him to certain people in the community whom I think share his passion. But I just feel that I’m getting nowhere. If God does want me to tread down this path, then why is He taking so long to respond and bring results?

I think I’m on the verge of giving up. I really don’t think I can take this anymore. God, forgive me for thinking like this, but it’s just so hard to go on. I’m really sorry, God. I’m really sorry.

18 January 2029

Dear diary,

I’ve shared my burden with dad again today. I told him everything that has been troubling me and how I am on the verge of giving up. He told me this story about a friend who related to him how she once did not believe in the power and ways of Christ although she went to church. Her shepherd kept pursuing her despite her stubbornness, and hard-heartedness until one day, she had a powerful encounter with God that changed her life forever. She really thanked her shepherd for having faith in her and trusting her enough to invest his life into hers. Without that, she would never have discovered the beauty and the richness of following Christ.

The story really touched me and I broke into tears. In a sense, it was refreshing to let my pent-up emotions all out. After praying with dad for half an hour, I felt really uplifted.

Yes, I want to pursue Damian just as how the good shepherd pursued the girl in dad’s story. I want to pursue Damian as how the Good Shepherd pursues His lost sheep. Things will turn out well in the end. They will. God will use everything that I have put into Damian’s life for His glory. He will see something different in God’s ways and he will want to follow Him.

I have the faith to push on again towards the vision that God has for me for Damian’s life. I will press on, and I will overcome. Thanks so much, dad. Thanks so much, Dad!

15 April 2029

Dear diary,

It’s the mid-semester break. Damian has returned to his home in Taiwan. I’m sure he must feel relieved that he no longer has to hear my pestering voice calling him up to see how he’s doing and inviting him over for church activities, at least until the holidays are over in two weeks time.

Just before he left, I reminded him seek out a church community back home or even a cell group, to which he gave me lukewarm responses.

Oh dear, I do hope he’s alright after the two weeks are over. I do hope that he doesn’t lose whatever God has revealed to him here in Melbourne (if any at all). I do hope that his parents not kill me for doing this. Also, I do hope that he doesn’t shun or avoid me when he returns here, especially after talking things through with his parents and his friends back home.

Ah! There’re just so many things to think about. But there’s no point worrying right, Amelia, so why don’t you just let things go and enjoy the holidays. Yes, yes, that’s right. Calm down, Amelia! You can do this. I shouldn’t worry too much. I shall leave everything to God’s hands and pray hard that things will be alright after the holidays.

Lord, I do pray that things WILL be alright.

9 May 2029

Oh dear, oh dear diary!

I wonder if things are alright with Damian. He has missed lectures for a week now. I’ve tried contacting him, but to no avail. I’ve sent 10 emails to him since the start of the holidays asking him if he’s alright, but he didn’t reply a single one of them. I do pray that nothing bad has happened to him. I hope that I didn’t do anything to offend him. I hope that he didn’t get kidnapped, or worse got involved in a car accident or, or maybe…a plane crash! NO!

Ah! God! What happened to him?

Lord, please, keep him safe wherever he is and whatever situation he may be facing.

15 May 2029

Dear diary,

I don’t know how to put to words the anguish and sadness that I am feeling now. I just learned today that Damian dropped off from medicine over the holidays.

I feel sad that our parting was so abrupt and that within two weeks, things have changed so much. More than that, I can’t help but feel that I have failed to bring a greater purpose and conviction into his life. All my time and effort that I have invested into his life are simply wasted. I feel so much like a failure.

Perhaps if I’ve tried harder things would be different. Perhaps if I had pursued him more aggressively I could have provoked a greater change within him.

I really don’t know what else to say.

I’m really sorry, Lord. I’ve failed you. Forgive me, Lord.

18 May 2029

Dear diary,

I suppose it’s time to move on. I’ve been grieving long enough for the loss of a friend. But I think that God has more things in store for me. Perhaps I should have expected such things to happen when I started out to pursue this vision.

I spent an hour today crying and pouring my heart out to God. At the end of it, He once again gave me the peace of mind and rest for my weary soul. I think I can learn something from this that things don’t always turn out the way I expect them to be.

Lord, I thank you for this experience, painful though it may be, that you have taught me to trust in You. I really don’t know many things, but Lord I do know that You are in control of all things and I want to commit all myself into Your hands. I want to trust in You with all my heart and all my soul. Lord, would you renew my strength today and grant me new vision and direction for my life.

I pray these things in Your Son’s most precious name, Lord. Amen.

14 April 2031

Dear diary,

This new role as OCF president is not easy at all. There’re just so many responsibilities to handle. On top of that, I have my studies to think about. I really need to learn to manage my priorities better.

The committee asked me to speak at the coming OCF gathering later on this week. I really don’t know what to talk about. Oh dear, I feel so unprepared for this. Perhaps I should ask dad about this. I’m sure he would have some idea of what I should be “preaching” on.

Lord, would you reveal to me Your heart. And would You think thoughts to me that I might deliver Your words of conviction to Your people.

17 April 2031

Dear diary,

I can’t believe what happened today! I received a letter from Africa. And guess who was the sender – it was none other than Damian himself!

I shall attach this letter here that you might have a read of it.

--

Dearest Amelia,

It’s me, Damian. Do you still remember me? Just in case you’ve forgotten, I’m the one whom you have been discipling two years ago.

How are you doing over there in Melbourne? I do hope that you are not overwhelmed by studies and your commitments to church.

First of all, you have my deepest apologies for not contacting you for so long. You might be wondering about the reason that I left medicine in Melbourne. When I went back to Taiwan that time, I had a good reflection about the things that I have learned in Melbourne. As I was praying and reflecting one night, God spoke to me and touched me deeply. I thought about how insecure my life was, how it was filled with bitterness and unforgiveness towards others. I thought about the many times that I’ve failed miserably in my life and the countless hours I’ve spent wasting my life away in meaningless activities to drown my fears and anxieties. The thought of God being able to give me a new purpose and a new vision for my life and to take away my fears and insecurities in life simply overwhelmed me. The beauty of the ways of Christ of laying down my life for other people helped me see a life that is lived to the fullest. That night, I made the choice to embrace God’s love and promises to me and made a pledge to follow Christ.

That same night, God called me to follow Him to Africa to pursue the vision that I’ve always dreamed about. Initially I was not very sure about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt that this was my chance. I packed my bags and left that night to a local mission organisation that I came to know through a friend the night before. And sure enough, they told me that they had one place open and welcomed me on board. I’m enjoying my time here in Africa, providing relief and aid for families and more importantly, educating them and teaching them the gospel of the Kingdom. I’ve learned a lot here in Africa, and I’d love to share my experiences with you when I visit Melbourne next year. But one thing’s for sure, it’s truly liberating to be living in the purposes and promises of God for this earth and for mankind.

I truly thank you for not giving up on me, Amelia. I know that I have been hard-hearted and obstinate. I’m truly sorry for that. Truly I cannot thank you enough for the much sweat, tears and prayers that you’ve poured into my life. It has truly made all the difference in my entire life.

I really miss you, Amelia and I do hope to see you again soon. I really hope to hear of the things that God has done in your life as well. But until then, may God continue to grant you more and more peace, love and joy always.

Love,

Damian

--

After all this while, God has been working in Damian’s life, calling him to a new way of living. It seems that the seeds that I have planted finally bore fruit after all.

I’m really happy for him, that he has found an enriching life in Africa. I truly thank you Lord for giving me the strength to press on and not give up on him. I can now see that when I step out in faith, God will work wonders and take me to places that I’ve never been before, just as dad had told me. It was truly a worthwhile investment for my life and I truly praise God for the opportunity to invest and lay down my life for Damian.

Thank you so much, Lord. I pray that you will continue to lead Damian as he grows in Your strength and wisdom and may You continue to give Him the heart and passion for the things of Your Kingdom. And may Your Kingdom continue to be advanced in Africa through Your servant, Damian.

19 April 2031

Dear diary,

In a few hours time I shall be speaking at OCF. I believe that I have a sense of what God wants to say to my fellow OCFers tonight. I believe that God wants to challenge them to dare to lay down their lives and invest into something that is worthwhile.

And I can now speak with conviction because of the things that I have been through.

Truly, I shall tell my friends about the amazing things that God has done in one individual that I know because of I have dared to step out in faith to invest into his life.

And let it be so.

--

Notes:

Picture taken from http://sing2mebeauty.deviantart.com/art/the-diary-32640012

--

A New Season

2008-09-01T22:24:00.003+10:00

A new season has dawned. The time of winter has passed and the season of spring has arrived. The coldness and barrenness of winter has departed and the warmth and freshness of spring is now ushered in.

With the dawning of a new season in Melbourne, I also see the beginning of a new season in my life and in my spiritual journey. I have been going through my own period of spiritual winter. For the past few weeks, I have been wrestling with pain, sorrow, hurts, loneliness and despair. I have had a chance to experience God's heart for this world, how He grieves when humanity fails to accomplish what it was originally created for, how painful it is for Him to see mankind bickering and brawling over trivial things in life, how deeply hurting it is for Him to witness purposeful beings being grounded to purposeless machines, image bearers refusing to display His character but choosing instead to follow their own selfish desires ridden with knowledge of good and evil.

I have had a chance to experience that. There was a particular dream that I had that touched me so deeply and truly gave me a glimpse of God's heart for humanity. I wandered across a barren and desolate plain and came across a little girl sitting there, all alone, with sadness, loneliness and despair clearly etched all over her face. Her eyes stared blankly at the large expanse of arid wasteland and evidently she was inattentive to my presence. As I approached her, I realised that she was humming a sad, melancholic, almost inaudible tune; a solemn hymn that cuts to the soul. In her right hand was a piece of worn-out paper, her fingers loosely gripping the old, crumpled sheet. Feeling a sense of strange attraction building up within me, I approached her and sat beside her. Showing sympathy, I asked her what was wrong with her and why she was so lonely and desolate. But she remained silent and without a word. The awfully sad look was still engraved on her visage and the grave, gloomy melody continued to resonate through her lips. She then nudged me to read what was in the piece of paper in her hands, signalling for me to discover the looming mystery that was held by the creased, craggy page. Slowly, I stretched out my hands to receive what was in her small, delicate hands and grasped the sheet that would possibly reveal the secrets of all her pain and suffering. I turned the paper over to the other side and saw clearly what was written on it. Three were scribed with black ink – Faith, Hope, Love. A surge of compassion overwhelmed me. For that split moment in time, my thoughts froze but my heart melted. Without a second thought, I lunged forward and threw my arms around her, wanting to comfort her and perhaps share her cup of grief and pain. Tears streaked down her face as I tried to find words to say. i could not do more, except to remain with her in that desolate and empty place.

When I awoke from my rest, the vividness and intensity of the dream still burned and resonated in my mind. A stream of random, incoherent thoughts surged through my brain, overwhelming all other rational or ordinary thoughts. For me, the girl represented humanity, and the sadness she faced the same kind of despair experienced by all mankind. Behind all the smiley faces, the fake courteousies, the phoney cheers, are so many unresolved hurts and grief, so much well-hidden pain and sorrow, and so much sorrow and despair. The immensity of it was just so overwhelming for me. I could understand now why the Spirit groans and grieves for us. It would be too much for any man to bear alone. Yet, the three words inscribed on the paper – Faith, Hope, Love – reminded me yet of another thing. Mankind did not just need solutions to their problems, or miracle cures for their ailments. No, what man need was a new way of living, filled with faith, hope and love. What I needed to give to others was faith, hope and love. What would ultimately change mankind was faith, hope and love. What would ultimately and decisively break the bondage to the way of life that brings so much death into the world were faith, hope and love. Everything was just so overwhelming. I could not help but weep for this world and for mankind.

For the next few days, I wandered through the desert and battled the harsh winter. I felt so drained and depressed that I could not seem to focus on social interactions. I was disillusioned by the cheery facades that I had to put up in front of people, and sick of the pseudo-appearances that I had to display in my interactions with others. It was just so hard for me to open up to the people around me. And so I bore the pain and the loneliness for several days. Yet, I continued to hold on to the hope that God would turn it into something good. I kept on believing that the situation was not permanent and despite the lack of breakthrough in my spiritual walk with God, that He would somehow see me out of this winter.

It was then that God gave me the opportunity to take the step of faith, to cross the River Jordan from the desert into the Promised Land. A dear friend of mine invited me over to Hope Church to witness God's healing among His people. An evangelist was there for the week praying for the healing of the sick. I hesitated at first because I was sceptical about such public displays of miracles and because I wanted to remain in the comforts of the familiar faces of people at Life* Expedition. Somehow, I came to a point where I was determined not to go to Hope Church due to my perceived discomfort of mingling with people in a different community. As I was prepared to text my friend to tell him that I was not going, a sudden thought came to my mind, prompting me to go to Hope Church. There ignited within me a fresh desire to see what God was doing in other communities, to discover other people's life stories and to share all these stories with my community back at Life* Expedition. Continuing with my internal struggle and battle between two sides, I finally decided to take the step of faith to visit the community at South Kensington, to make the choice to cross the River Jordan.

I was simply amazed at what I saw and experienced at Hope Church. I witnessed healings of those with back pains, blurred visions, hearing problems and semi-paralysis. A lady suffering from severe back pain was cured. Another who had blurred vision had it restored. A boy who suffered from hearing problems received hearing again. God's power and presence was truly among His people. I had the opportunity to exercise my faith as I joined in prayers for God's healing among His people. I dared to believe again in God's healing power and His love for us as humanity. After experiencing death, darkness and depression, there was suddenly a new burst of life from among the ashes, a new infusion of energy and vibrance. There was again, a renewed sense of hope that God is continuing His work among His people and that death and disease would not have the final say in things. God is again ushering new waves of healing for the broken-hearted, restoration for the sick and liberation for the captives. We were not meant to be captives to sin and trepidation, but we were all called to break the bondage of fear and stand in the authority of Christ to bring wholeness and healing into this land. Surely, God is doing that through us!

Aside from the healing miracles, I set out to do what had prompted me to attend the service, to prod into the life stories of the people in the community. I had the opportunity to engage three people in conversations, asking them about their life stories and their steps of faith that they had taken in following Jesus. One story particularly piqued my attention. A sister started off from a Buddhist background back home in Malaysia. When she came to Melbourne, a friend led her to the community. She told me that when she first began to settle down in the community, she was not so keen on knowing about the things of God and was not that interested in Christianity at all. However, her shepherd kept pursuing her, encouraging her to take the Word of God seriously and challenging her to take the step of faith in living out the ways of Christ. He did not give up on her and had the faith to believe that one day she will be used mightily by God. Though her shepherd had returned to Thailand, his patience and persistence have evidently paid off; his toil and labour have born fruit. She is now on fire for God and so passionate about following Jesus that no one would believe that she hailed from a Buddhist background. Indeed, God is doing incredible things not only in her but also among the community of believers, calling them to a new way of living of faith, hope and love. It was one thing to study the theories and learn the ideals, but it was truly a whole different experience to actually witness the movement of God's Spirit in the created order with my own eyes.

Overall, I could see that God is ushering a new season in my life, one that is impregnated with life and saturated with goodness, mercy and love. I have crossed over from my previous spiritual desert into a whole new land that is teemed with promises and brimming with so many exciting things to explore. My eyes have seen the great works of the Almighty and I stand now to bear testimony to His goodness and His love for all of humanity. I now stand as a witness to all His wonderful purposes and promises that He has for mankind and for this earth. And I stand in the love of the Everlasting Father, in the faith of the Mighty Saviour, and the hope of the Wonderful Spirit. And I speak these things to give encouragement to all my brothers and sisters, that they too will have the faith and strength to stand in the land as His representatives as He ushers in a new season of restoration and revival.

So let it be.

Baptism

2008-08-12T17:24:00.002+10:00

I stood at the edge of the cliff towering over the great blue sea below. I panted for breath as I gazed bewildered at the sight before me. The sea was heaving and chaotic. Its waters were raging, currents were surging and the tide was rising. Storm clouds billowed over me, darkness was unfolding in the skies above, stretching out to fill the vast expanse above me.

From where I stood I could hear the thundering sounds of hooves charging towards me from afar. I could hear the clattering of metal wheels as they crunched the sand dunes, rolling across the desert with thuds of force and fury. I could see trails of dust being traced in a distance, the paths converging to my position. I knew what was coming my way – the army had caught up with me.

A mental image came to me, and it was not a particularly pleasant one. The scene that was painted in my mind was that of horses hurtling in full force, riders with brandished weapons in their hands. They swung the swords wildly in an intimidating, rhythmical manner, the metal blades slashing through the hot, dry air. Behind the riders on the horses were the charioteers, wheeling in with sheer speed and ferocity. The brushing of metal wheels against the sandy ground left visible marks upon the earth. The carriages bounced several times off the ground upon hitting some small rocks. In some of the charioteers’ hands were long spears made from bronze. The charioteers thrusted their poles through the air in rapid successions as they made beastly noises, sounding somewhat like a menacing grizzly bear. Others were carrying whips made of braids of leather. The violent flailing was accompanied by loud swishes and deafening crackles.

I began to doubt the promises that I had received forty days ago that prompted me to leave the city of Pseudos. The voice was so clear to me.

“Come out from the city, for I have new purposes and promises for you. Do not remain in the city, for there you will find only death. Come out of the city, and I shall give you life to the fullest.”

I turned the key to my apartment door and the lock was undone. After putting the key back in my wallet, my right hand reached for the door handle. Grasping it, turning it clockwise, I gave the door a little push and it was opened. I stepped into my apartment room. It was quiet and calm.

I had just returned from yet another tiring day at university. Studying medicine was not nearly as easy as I had anticipated. While there were days which I felt really inspired to learn, there were also days where learning became almost like a chore or routine and the day happened to be one of those days. I removed my sling bag that was dangling off my back and tossed it onto the floor. I turned on my laptop. The screen lit up and the processor came to life. As I stared blankly at the loading screen, my mind wandered off, trying to gather my thoughts for the day.

My mind wanted to take me on a journey back in time to my earlier school days. I hesitated initially to recapitulate those bitter memories but thinking that perhaps it would make a good testimony for the coming Sunday service, I decided to replay those recorded moments in time again.

I entered school desiring recognition and respect, wanting the praises and applause from not only my peers, but everyone around the school. Thus, I worked hard to try to craft an image for myself, to fashion a model of success that would make me so famous and influential around the school. Within the first year of my studies, I ascended to the top of the ladder of scorers and immediately became well known among everyone in the school. During the prize-giving ceremony, I was so proud when my name was announced. As I strutted up the stairs onto the stage, I could hear praises and cheers from the audience. It was truly a victorious moment for me and I savoured it with much delight. “I could get used to this,” I thought to myself, a broad smile etched on my face.

As the years progressed, I worked even harder to secure the position that I had obtained, fending off those who competed with me for the gold. I became more and more influential among the teachers and school staff, basking in the limelight of my continued triumphs. Besides the staff, I also gained respect from my peers, something that I equated to friendship. When several of my peers rose up to challenge me in my studies, however, I immediately used my knowledge of good and evil which I had built up to label them as threats and enemies. Throughout my school years, I found myself constantly comparing my results with theirs. There were particularly stressful times when I did not do as well as them, but ultimately I was pleased with myself that I succeeded in maintaining my reputation of being the top scorer around.

Come graduation, however, the tables were turned against me. All the recognition and respect that I so desired were all gone, in the blink of an eye. All the achievements and success that I tried so hard to amass were suddenly reduced to vague memories and reminiscences. All the fame and influence that I once enjoyed were quickly forgotten. More importantly, I suddenly found myself with no close company of friends. I became so obsessed in making enemies of everyone that I did not find time and space to actually engage and form lasting relationships with them. Thus, I was suddenly stripped naked, exposed for my weakness in communicating with people and my status as “a lone ranger”. Within months, I was constantly drowning in regret and self-pity, living in guilt and shame.

I was born into the city of Pseudos nineteen years ago as one who was in bondage to the emperor Hamartia. Since young, I was taught in the ways of the empire, forced to learn all the customs and practices of the world and made to submit to the principalities and powers of man. I developed the practice of using my knowledge of good and evil upon others and my “art” of comparisons and categorisations.

I was forced to labour for the empire each day, toiling in the building sites erecting huge towers in honour of the emperor. In the city, I could see countless images and idols of the emperor standing at every street corner. Each day my fellow workers and I were made to bow down to the lifeless statues and worship them as though they were the emperor himself. The slave-drivers were hard on us, rewarding us with our meagre daily supplies only if we met a certain level of performance in our work. We were constantly hungry but did not dare to complain for fear of being punished for speaking out. Some of us were badly bruised and beaten, while some who were taken away to punishment never returned. Personally, I did not know what happened to them, but I could care less, for I had to fend for myself. After all, it was every man for himself.

One day, I decided to rise up the social strata. I wanted a better position in the empire. I wanted to elevate my status from that of a lowly servant to a high ranking official. Hence, I worked hard each day, trying to outdo my peers and selfishly hoarding opportunities for myself. I even resorted to lying to my friends, sometimes diverting their attention away from their work so that I can seize the opportunities that were left wide open which, at times, caused them to be punished for their “incompetence”. Soon, I received praises from the slave-drivers and was told that I had prospect of being promoted if I kept up my “good efforts”. Immediately, my ego swelled and my determination to rise to the top was further ignited.

After much effort and a few clever manipulations, there came the day I had been waiting for. The chief officer in charge of the labour called for an assembly of all the slaves. Every eye was on him as he stepped forward to address the rabble, eagerly anticipating some good news. He started off with some technical details and then hammered in new directives from the emperor. He then stopped and turned towards me, a smile on his face. My eyes met with his, and somehow I felt a sense of acceptance and approval. He then raised his voice once again.

Today I have a special announcement to make. I am promoting one among you to be an official of the empire.

Suddenly, the expressions on the faces of the slaves changed from those of apathy and indifference to those of surprise and astonishment. Everyone turned to one another in amazement, wondering who was the cream of the crop, pondering who it was that secured that favour of the officer. In the back of my mind, however, I already knew the answer. It had to be me. I could not help but smile.

College days were not easy for me as I went through periods of loneliness and near depression. I comprehended the mistakes that I made in school, so I made a new resolution to change the way I act and relate to others. I would no longer see them as competition or enemies, but rather I would try my very best to forge relationships and seal friendships.

I was off to a good start, opening up myself to people, relating to them in friendly ways and addressing them in non-threatening mannerisms. For the first few weeks, I was happy that I was getting along well with the people around me, and I was making more friends with my peers. I thought I had it all under control.

However, my smooth sailing was shattered by the stormy winds of fear and doubt. Despite being able to be friendly with the people around me, I discovered that the conversations that I had did not make me feel comfortable at all. The topics of discussion that I had with my new buddies were not really things that I had interest in or enjoyed talking about. Fear of not being able to blend in with the crowd and not being able to please them or to meet the needs of the gang soon took over. Doubts about my identity, my relationships and my decisions soon crept in and gripped my entire being.

I’ll never be good enough in socialising with others. I can’t speak as fluently. I can’t initiate conversations. I can’t contribute in discussions. I can’t get over my introversion and quietness. I’ll never fit in.

In time, however, a different set of events in which I delighted in ran began to run concurrently with my despair, guilt and shame. It was something that I had tried hard to let go and avoid, yet somehow it had caught up with me in my moment of weakness. The identity of success that I had tried so hard to discard, the image of the top scorer and the high achiever began to manifest once again in my life. Once again, I could finally have some form of control over my social life that was spiralling out of control. As I assumed the figure of success that founded the basis of my identity during my school days, I fell back once again to the path of control, comparisons and categorisations that I had tried to walk away from.

Soon, I was known around college, both among the lecturers and my peers. And I tried so hard to hold on to the position. And I succeeded.

Power was sweet. Once you had a taste of it, it was so hard to let go. I found myself enjoying the newfound authority of a slavedriver. I had been elevated from a common, worthless slave to a place of honour and influence. I had been bestowed the ability to rule over men, the right to tell them what to do, and the mandate to exploit them according to my wishes. In a word, it was all so delightful.

I basked in the adulation and praises that were heaped upon me by the officials, who remarked about how hardworking I was, how I was able to intelligently come up with solutions to problems in the construction projects, and how I stood out among all my fellow peers. With the standing that I had now, came the privileges of fine dining, personal attendants, beautiful clothing, and palatial residence. I no longer had to eat grubby food, wear tattered garments or burn myself out in the sun every day but I could enjoy all the comforts of the palace with minimal amount of work. It was bliss.

I could point a finger at a slave, utter a command and he would fearfully carry out his given task without a word. After all, he would be making a grave mistake to offend me. When I said, “Come!”, he would come. When I commanded, “Go!”, he would go at once without delay. Or, I could rebuke another with a word, and he would fall on his knees and beg for forgiveness. Outwardly, I portrayed myself as a cool and calm figure with occasional bursts of anger and temper tantrums. In my heart, I could not help but laugh at the pathetic condition of my once friends and delight in the pleasures that I had secured as one in the higher levels of the food chain.

On one particular day, I walked down the streets of the city, admiring the amazing architecture, the finely carved wood and the well-engraved stone pillars and marble walls. I paraded down the pathway in my long, flowing robe, my bodyguards by my side. As I passed by, everyone bowed their heads in respect and acknowledgement, until I came to a particular slave who refused to bow before me. Curious, I stopped, looked him straight in the eye and raised my voice, demanding him to explain his ignorance.

Hey, why don’t you bow before me? Don’t you know who I am?

He looked at me with an unfazed and undaunted look, and coolly replied.

Well, yes. I know who you are – the traitor from amongst us who trampled upon everybody else so that he could get to the top. You may well have your fine robes and your fancy parade and talk with weight and authority. But deep down, you are truly just an insecure, fearful person who lives on people’s praises and adoration. Without those, you’re nothing!

I could sense the tension of the moment. Anger, bitterness and resentment were building up deep within me. His words carried with them an edge that pierced through my physical coverings and exposed what was hidden deep within me. I lashed out at him in my fury.

You take those words back, you scum! Don’t you know what could happen to you if I chose to punish you? You might not live to see the next day!

My threats proved to be futile. He remained in his composed manner and delivered another painful blow to my reputation.

Well, make my day then! If you wish to lock me up, then go ahead. But you know what, all this shows is how cowardly you truly are, hiding behind your so-called achievements and power. The truth is, you have achieved nothing and you really have nothing more than the dream world that you are living in. There will come a day when you will be discarded like garbage and then you will realise the extent of your emptiness.

I could feel a surge of emotions through my veins, a mix of anger and shame welled within me. All the other slaves were surprised by this turn of events, and began whispering to one another. I had had enough. The commotion had severely tarnished my image as a man of standing. Something had to be done.

Very well then. So be it. Your blood is on your own head! Guards, seize him!

My two bodyguards advanced towards the trouble-maker and took hold of him. He was evidently struggling. I jeered at him.

Hah! Not so tough now, huh?

Raising my clenched fist, I let it swing in full force towards the guy’s cheeks. It hit him hard and he reeled in agony. Dissatisfied, I delivered a few more violent blows that rendered him half-conscious. Feeling the gratification of exacting vengeance, I ordered the guards to then take him to the holding cell, where, in my opinion, he would be held for the rest of his life, never to see sunlight ever again.

As the menace was led away, I turned to the other slaves and gave a strict order.

Let this be a lesson to all who cross me. Now, go back to work!

They scampered off in fear and resumed their tasks.

I winced in terror as I beheld the sight before me. It was the most gruesome display that I had ever witnessed in my entire life. I felt like screaming. My soul wanted to cry out in despair. Yet, I held back and refrained from doing so in the midst of all the other officials and slavedrivers.

The whip slashed through the air, striking the exposed back of the captive. As bits of metal met with flesh, his skin tore apart and his muscles split open. He howled in agony as he cringed at the excruciating punishment inflicted upon him. Bits of skin and flesh were dangling from his posterior, underlying bones were clearly noticeable, and blood was dripping down his spine. He gasped for breath, apparently traumatised and anguished. He pleaded for mercy before his captors, begging them to just kill him, to put his life to an end, to snuff out the flame that flickered within him.

But his pleas fell on deaf ears. Everyone else was enjoying the spectacle. With each shriek of torment came bursts of laughter and amusement. As I stood there bewildered, my heart squealing with shock and terror each time the whip was swung, my “friends” jumped around in pleasure, yelling out mockeries at the top of their voices.

I finally knew what happened to the slaves who did not return to work in the construction grounds. At last, I discovered the appalling fate of those who were brought into the ‘holding cells’, which were really torture chambers. Everyday, about six people would be taken into these rooms. They would be brutalised, beaten so badly to the point of total exhaustion, tortured so severely to the point where their wills for life were simply shattered – all this for the sake of the pleasure and entertainment of all the officials.

I felt nauseated by the inhumane acts perpetrated by my peers, yet I did not dare to go against the status quo, for fear that my loyalties would be put into question and I might even end up in the same fate as those unfortunate victims.

I felt so lonely at that moment in time. I craved the position of honour so that I could enjoy the perks and benefits of the easy life, so that I could escape the life of shame and strife as a slave, not to be part of this beastly ritual of devouring others for the sake of fun and entertainment. I wanted to escape, to run away from all the evil that I had seen, to depart from the meaningless acts of aggression and brutality that left deep impressions within my soul. But I knew that it was too late. I had gone too far to turn back. I thought I had attained freedom, but what I had achieved was truly just another form of slavery. I would have to bear all the dreadful thoughts and hideous mental images, and most importantly feelings of resentment, and guilt for the rest of my life. There was no turning back.

I wished someone would deliver me from the torment of my soul. I yearned for a saviour who could rescue me from this meaningless inhumanity. I was desperate for a redeemer who soul save me from all the evil that I had plunged myself into.

I was so alone…

Hey Brian! Come here!

I was startled by the abrupt call by one of the slavedrivers.

Oh no! Could he have noticed my reservations about their actions? Could he have seen through my approving outlook to gaze upon my disgusted and repulsed inner self? Was he about to inflict the same punishment upon me?

Y…Y…Yes?

I replied hesitantly, cautiously advancing towards him.

The guy patted me on the back and handed me the whip. He whispered to me, “Go for it.”

My mind went numb, my heart raced and my hands grew cold. My whole body was stiff. I had been given the power to inflict pain, to break another’s body and to smash his will to life. Handed to me was the instrument of death and torment.

Could I swallow the thought of having to break another person’s skin just so that I could save my own? Could I live with the reality that I had caused unbearable grief and sorrow to another person? Do I really want to please my peers that much, after I have seen the evil that they are capable of? Do I continue to give in to their demands?

I had to. I just knew I had to.

Forgive me, O God…

I raised the cord in my hand, preparing to strike the agonising blow.

I was getting nowhere in my relationships with people. I was going around in circles, trying to please people and help them as best as I could. I assisted them in their studies, ran errands for them, entertained them every now and then, but really, I did not secure strong friendships or built firm relationships. All I had done was merely give them reasons to come to me for help.

There were times when I just felt so lonely and depressed. All my intelligence, all my talents and gifting were really useless when it came to building friendships. If I could, I would exchange some of those talents for greater social and communication skills. Then, I thought, I could interact with people better. Then, I could build better relationships with them, and therein forge stronger friendships with my peers.

But they were just dreams that could not be materialised.

Hold me in your arms, never let me go

I wanna spend eternity with you…

The praise and worship session kicked off that night. That was one event that I enjoyed going to – the Thursday night Christian youth fellowship group called Campus Alive. I really enjoyed myself on those nights – friendly people, great music, absolute fun. And who knows, I might even get show everyone my achievements and perhaps get some respect and influence from them.

I started relationships with people with a certain list of criteria in my mind – get people to respect me, get them to ask me out, and get them to acknowledge my presence. Yes, that would definitely be a great way to expand my social circle. Praise the Lord!

However, I soon discovered that the relationships that I tried to build fell far short of my expectations. People did not admire me for my intellect or achievements as much as I thought they would. People did not come to me to seek my opinion or help because I was the smarter one. Soon after, my glamorous vision dissolved in a puff of smoke.

It was then that I realised a different kind of relationships that were built within the community of Christians. It was then that I observed that people were not judging one another based on what they could do, what they said or even what their personalities were. Somehow, they saw past outward appearances to gaze upon the inner person in each individual. My mind could not fully grasp the depth, meaning and reality of those relationships. Surely there must be something that I could do to earn those relationships!

Try as I might, I failed miserably in my attempts to work my way into friendships. No matter how much I tried to do, I still could not discover deep intimacy that I so desired. I was left broken, exhausted and defeated.

In the midst of the stormy seas and gloomy skies one day, a Being called to me.

Brian, get up and follow me. I have purposes and promises for your life that is far greater than all this nonsense that you have been caught up in.

Leave your bags of fear, guilt and shame behind and follow me!

For that moment in time, I had the peace that I had never experienced before, and the sense of being loved so deeply that I could not help but break down into tears. Who is this calling out to me? Who is this that so loved me that He sees past my inadequacies and my weaknesses, and wants to give me a new life?

It soon became clear to me that the One who was calling me out from the wilderness of my life was the Lord Jesus, the One whom I had been “worshipping” in my youth fellowship group. It became clear to me that life was not meant to be lived trying to achieve more for myself, rather it was meant to be lived for His purposes, promises and glory. It was such a liberating experience.

Did I dare to take the step of faith forward to experience this new life that He had promised? Did I have the courage to believe in what I did not see? Did I have the readiness to surrender all that I had unto Him?

More importantly, was following this new life worth all my efforts and my time? Was it worth investing all my heart and resources into? Would it make any difference in my life?

The only way to find out, of course, was to experience it for myself, to immerse myself in the life that He had called me to live, to share in His vision and purposes for the world.

With the step of faith, I stepped out of the darkness and into the light, out from the old world into a whole new exciting world.

I languished in prison as I awaited my inevitable execution.

I could not bear the thought of having to strike down a man and having my hands stained with innocent blood. In a brief moment of clarity, I found the courage to reject what was utterly despicable. Deep down, I already knew that I did not want to become a murderer. I did not want to bring death into another person’s life. I did not want to submit to the beastly actions of my peers or give in to their wicked ways. I could not.

There was a side of me that saw the person behind the bruised and bloodied body in front of me. There was something more to him than mere flesh and bones, a piece of dirt meant to be kicked around and played with. No, he had purposes and destiny in his life, as a living human being. I could feel my arrogance and my pride dissolve, and warmth and compassion was permeating my whole being. I knew that was awaiting me, yet I have made my choice. I would not lay hands on my fellow brother.

In a sudden burst of emotion, I threw the whip aside and turned around to face the crowd of stunned onlookers. Barely able to contain myself, I let my feelings run free.

I can’t do this! This is just so wrong! How can you do this to another human being?

A deafening silence hung in the air. There was no more cheering, no more shouting, no more applauds. Everyone was plainly taken aback by my sudden shift in composure. I could not tell what was going on in their minds. Perhaps they acknowledged what I had said, or more likely they were scheming against me.

Then one of the slavetraders stepped up and challenged me.

What human being? He’s just an animal! We are the ones who are the real men. They are worthless. Why do you even care so much about them?

Shut up, you brute! You are the ones who are the beasts and the animals. This man here has a future and a destiny ahead of him. And you are reducing all of that to a mere existence for your fun and pleasures! Shame on you, you animals!

My words sparked uproar in the room. The officials started screaming at me, hurling accusations and threats against me.

You better take back your words, or we will make sure you suffer!

Yes, who are you to call us animals! Did you forget who gave you this position in the first place? Or did you forget that you were once scum like that animal over there? What an ungrateful piece of…!

Initially I felt intimidated by the sudden retaliation against me but soon it became clear to me that this was what I truly wanted – to be free from all this life of meaninglessness and evil. I was adamant to take my stand.

No! I will never take my words back! Do whatever you please with me, but I will not back down from this. Do whatever you please! This only reveals how beastly and animal-like you truly are.

Suddenly, I felt a blow to the back of my head. My body felt weak. I lost my balance and crumpled to the ground. My vision blurred and I faded into unconsciousness.

I awoke in the prison cell that was meant to hold prisoners in solitary confinement. The room was nearly pitch black and was eerily silent. I heaved a long sigh as I contemplated my fate.

Would I fade away in this prison cell for the rest of my life? Would I suffer the same fate as the prisoner I had seen earlier on? Or would I be shown mercy and given a quick and painless death?

Feelings of regret started to envelop me. Had I made the right choice in doing what I did? Would it make any difference at all?

I was truly in doubt. I was so lost. I was so alone. There was nothing more I could do.

I was prepared to give up when in a spark of divine intervention, light filled the room. I could see a figure of a man that was shining like the sun. When I saw Him, I was so overwhelmed by His presence that I fell down prostrate before Him.

He touched me and spoke to me, “Get up. Be strengthened!”

Instantly, my strength was restored and I stood on my feet. In His presence, I felt the sense of great peace and joy that surpassed all understanding. I could sense the aura of hope that emanated from His being. It’s as if His entire self was so saturated with love, grace and mercy that no words can fully describe the experience of standing in front of Him. I raised my voice and asked Him, “Lord, why have you come to me?”

Then He said to me:

Come out of the city, my child, for I bring a hope and a future for your life. Follow me, and I shall give you life to the fullest. Follow me and I will fill your life with my purposes and promises. Follow me and you will never be put to shame ever again. Never again will you dwell in meaninglessness and death, but you will receive new life in the Spirit and you will be part of the Holy City that I am building.

I asked Him again, “O Lord, wherever shall I go?”

He replied:

For now, go out into the desert of Peirasmos. Do not worry about where you will go, what you will eat, or what you will wear for it shall be given unto you. Stand firm in your faith in me and all these shall be added unto you. Go now, for the door has been opened for you.

There was blinding flash of light, which gradually receded. The radiant figure whom I saw had left me but there before me was a wide opening in the prison wall. Sensing the freedom that I had longed for, I quickly squeezed through the opening and escaped into the city area.

I noticed a trail of fine blue thread laid out in front of me. Instinctively, I followed the trail as far as it led me and came to an breach in the city walls. Staring ahead beyond the city walls, all I saw was the barren desert. The thought of leaving the comforts of the city to venture into an unknown realm raised uncertainties within me. Part of me wanted to remain in the city where I had a sense of security and certainty while the other part of me prompted me to press ahead to my new future that lay before me.

But my inner self had already made the choice. I wanted to run the race and to endure it to the finish. With that, I wedged through the opening into a whole new world. I ran as swiftly as I could into the wilderness beyond.

My first few weeks in Melbourne were riddled with burden and sadness. It was tough settling down in a complete new territory, mixing with people of a totally different culture. I never had to do shopping or cooking back home, but here, I had to know these things in order to survive. More importantly, I felt that God had made a mistake in sending me to Melbourne, to this unfamiliar place. I was really troubled at heart. I could not feel the joy and the peace of God within me. I was lost.

I came to Melbourne with high expectations that God had planned great things ahead. I came with the sense that I would be able to make a change and make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I came with the hope that I would be able to grow strong in my walk with Him and to be formed more and more into His character.

I went around the city in search of a community to belong to. I endeavoured not to make the same mistake that I had made back in Malaysia, determined not to let all my competitions and shame-blame games get the best of me again. I eventually settled down in Life* Expedition after weeks of arduous searching, sifting and deciding. I settled down at OCF as well, after hearing about it from my pastor back in Malaysia. I was all around the place trying to find groups to belong to and trying to fit into the community.

The two months had been the toughest period of time for me. Aside from the relatively trivial consternations of learning to cook, clean and look after myself, I found it particularly difficult to make friends and form relationships with others. I wanted to participate more in the church activities. I wanted so badly to serve and to minister to others. I felt so alone in my spiritual journey. I prayed hard, crying out to God to open up opportunities for me.

It was on a seemingly normal Sunday morning, after church service on that day, that I discovered that my life was about to change. I hung around after the service trying to mingle around with people, and finding opportunities to make friends and interact with one another. It was then Pastor Tim approached me. We made arrangements to a chat over coffee at Crema. In the conversation, Tim told me about this particular course called Life* 101 that he was running and invited me to be part of it. That opened up a whole doorway of opportunities for me to be part of the community.

I went through a period of testing and refining, discovering new truths about God and integrating them with my daily life. I rediscovered the goodness of God, His purposes and promises for this earth, and His plans for me. It completely revolutionised my way of thinking about this world as well as my faith. I found a new spark of fire in my spirit.

Months after my medical course commenced, I have grown much in my knowledge and understanding of God. I came to realise how cruel society can truly be. I was also pained by the ways of living that so many people in society had adopted for their lives. Most were either wasting away on hospital beds, or too busy comparing and competing with one another in their corporate games, or simply throwing away their lives living in idleness, in meaningless existence. Through medical school, I learned more about social stigma, how people were segregated in society just because of certain disabilities, and society’s indifference towards the plights of these ostracised groups.

It also ignited within me a vision for a community of people to rise up from the ashes of the smouldering ruins of all the evil in the world, a group of people who are led not by their fleshly desires, but by the Spirit of God, a new generation of mankind who can readily lay down their lives for one another, a new society of human beings who invest in each other’s lives to see one another grow strong in their faiths.

With that also came the realisation that in order for me to pursue that vision, I first had to die to myself and learn to lay down my life for other people. I knew I could not do it with my own human effort, but also knew that there is a God who dwelling in me who can strengthen me and lead me in this journey.

Hence, I desired to seal my confession of faith in Him through my baptism. I wanted to proclaim to the world that I have been crucified with Christ and it was no longer I who lived, but Christ who lived in me. I wanted to be reminded that I no longer had the obligations to give in to the desires of my flesh, but had every reason to believe that I could overcome by His Spirit. I wanted to join with Christ in His death and with His rise again as a new creation to a new way of living where I could readily lay down my life for others.

Do I have the faith to believe in it? I believe I do.

God had sustained me in the desert for forty days. The emperor, when he realised that I had escaped sent his army in pursuit of me. But through the grace of God, I managed to evade the armies of the emperor.

After much wandering in the wilderness, God finally led me to a cliff that overlooked the sea of Thanatos. The king’s men had also caught up with me and were charging towards my position.

I gazed upon the raging, chaotic sea. It would have been a magnificent sight, had it not been for the fact that it was very well the only other way out for me. Right now, it was terrifying.

I stood at the edge of the cliff with two options – surrender peacefully to the emperor and go back to my old way of living, or take the plunge into the heart of the raging sea. Did I dare to believe that if I was buried beneath the waters, God would raise me up again to a new life? I did.

The army was about 200 metres away from me now and coming at me at full speed. Surprisingly, my heart was still and I was no longer afraid. Catching a final glimpse of the great, blue sea, I closed my eyes, and leaned forward. I fell off from the cliff and plunged straight into the heart of chaos.

I rose from the water at the applauses of the congregation. It was done. I had immersed myself in the death of Christ, and had risen again to join Him in the celebration of new life.

There was a sense of liberation within me, a feeling of triumph and victory over sin and death, free now to live in the fullness of life for which I was created.

I stood at the Queensbury Street tram stop that cold, winter night. I reflected on what it meant for me now that I had been baptised. The chilly wind was beating against my face, yet I ignored the numbness that I felt as I was deep in my thoughts.

I am a new creation.

The phrased replayed again and again in the back of my mind. I knew what it meant for me. I was free from guilt and condemnation. I was free from comparisons and categorisations. I had the freedom to live out my life that brings out the glory and the character of Christ in all that I do. And I could now learn to lay down my life to invest in a thriving and living community of God’s people. I would not have it any other way.

The tram arrived as my train of thoughts trailed off. I boarded the tram back home to enjoy a well-deserved rest. Tomorrow would be a new day in the rest of my life.